[Round 1] 6. Fairydance2000 vs 16. Noble Soldier

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Aug 29, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM EST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
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    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
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    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
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  2. NOBLE SOLDIER

    NOBLE SOLDIER Fireball Kid

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    70,900
    check.. votes will go here..
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  3. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Joined:
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    im in GL
    i would also like to say thank you for last weeks comment. on my verse.
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  4. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

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    test
  5. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Joined:
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    [​IMG]
    What is justice?
    The sun has risen the day has begun, usual chores, go shopping with my son.
    James plays by my side like many times before. He would wonder around and look at the store.
    I pay the cashier and head to the door, but James is not there, where he had gone I am not sure.
    A fair haired lad of only two years. Mother searched frantically, no sign of him! A mothers worst fears.
    Pulse now racing, I didn’t understand. Where James had gone? Why he left The Strand.
    The police are called in to help look for the child. Questions are asked, the answers complied.
    Hours tick by slowly like a cold winter’s day. I sit by my phone all night and I pray.
    A public announcement on all of the channels, I pleaded for the safe return of my angel
    Though the public responded with a resounding roar, had James been taken no one was sure
    Detective
    Emergency call, a body has been found, sirens blearing head to the ground
    Where the body was discovered that match James to a T.
    A mind numbing sight! No mother should see.
    The crews were brought in to do their forensic tests.
    They determine it was James through the coroner inquest.
    Telling Denise (she is the little boy’s mother)
    Her son is a victim of an indescribable murder.
    The brutality that he endure on that somber day
    Made the harden police cry and turn away,
    This two year old boy had been tortured, battered to death.
    Head smashed in with a steal bar and clay bricks,
    The railway tracks where James had been found,
    His clothes, blood and brain matter scattered around
    His tiny body smashed by a morning train,
    We tried to keep it quiet, but it was all in vane
    The coroner announces James was dead before the train ran him over.
    His naked mangled body was left there to be discovered
    It was 3 miles away from" The Strand", were he was taken.
    Video footage and there was no mistaking
    Two young boys one holding James hand. Walking away they took him out of The Strand
    The man hunt was on for these two boys, were they accomplices collecting a pedophile’s new toys
    Or just kids out for a lark, more footage discovered as all three walk through a car park
    No signs of struggle as James walks along, where did they take him, why not take him home
    The police questioned kids that were truant that day, until it came to Robert no arrests had been made.
    A small boy angelic seemingly sweet, spoke to a lady as they took James down a street,
    That women called the station. when she saw the news broad cast.
    Stating she had seen them and chatted as they passed
    When Robert was asked if he was there, swinging his legs with a cold frozen stare.
    No answer was given, just a momentary pause.
    Then the boy’s father walked through the police stations doors
    His mother begged for the truth” we will love you no matter what”
    Started to plead as he said it wasn’t his fault, “Jon wanted to kill him “the little boy would reply,
    No tears in his eye, but appearing to cry,
    The shock and the ore as the details unfold; no one could have guessed the story he told.
    The details more shocking than the media will ever know
    The crime scene so traumatic, the images will never go!
    These boys are too young to be sentenced to death, even though they took away a baby's last breath
    Because they are 10 their punishments a joke, a private room rapped in the cloak
    Of anonymity for their own good,
    Given special treatment, because they are misunderstood
    Eight years and then they are out and free, with the new homes, new lies and new identities
    The hunt continues for these murderous pair
    We will avenge, two year old James. They may try to disappear
    They carry the lie, we carry the pain,
    We should bury them alive. Maybe something even less humane!
    Years have passed now these boys are men. Do you think they have change or will they kill again?
    If you saw them on the street just strolling past, what would YOU do? What would YOU ask?

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  6. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    60,692
    Fairy wins via no show



    Fairy - I liked the topic of this but i hated the stretched lines. You added internal rhyming to make it easier but i couldn't see why you didn't just end the line there. I assumed it was so you didn't exceed the line limit. I did enjoy the amount of detail in the story though. Good story.
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  7. Muti

    Muti I just write

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2002
    Messages:
    756
    fairy..good verse...hard to read..sad in my opinion. also at the start of the verse you wrote with I...then you wrote in third person.. not sure if you intended to do that..but just something i caught on to...still decent story and like shawdow said..the lines did seem a bit long but I know you wanted some critique and this is what i have for you..

    you win though :)
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  8. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    76,208
    Fairy wins by no show
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