[Round 1] 3. Coup d'etat vs 19. breathless

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Aug 29, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM EST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent. Failure to acknowledge an extension request results in it being granted.
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory. A failure to post voting links will result in a loss.
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
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    VOTING


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    test
  2. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    test
  3. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    Check,

    Michigan State Uni kid here! Shout out to Lansing!

    How goest thou, breathless ?
    test
  4. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    'Tis going well,
    today's my only day off this week, so i ate some adderall and squeezed this out
    good luck, chap
    you still at MSU?


    Lost Love
    Caught in a Dreamcatcher

    [​IMG]



    You got me back ta actin' like a kid again, finally,
    grinnin' from ear to ear, just sittin' here, silently.
    I believe this one chance meeting happened with reason.
    I'm greeting passion yet breathin' still steadily from the lasting
    impression ya left on me. If I'm asking the question,
    an' yer answer is yes, then you and I will then be we.
    I've always sat and wondered, just who am I meant to be with,
    and maybe now I found her, 'cause you define it by any means.
    It's everything I ever dreamed of, better in fact,
    because as of yet, no negative actions
    have stepped on the path we both presently travel.
    Intersectin' at crossroads, essentially at will.
    If ya weren't sent to me, then why did you stand still
    until I got where we were meant to meet? Don't tell me stop,
    I've felt this way for long enough, call my bluff, I dare ya,
    an' watch as this all becomes the trust that once scared ya.

    Maybe I'm wrong, call me crazy for thinkin'
    this way, singin' songs, always facing the brink of
    embracing the long haul while tasting the salt fallin'
    in sweat beads off of a face streaked with wet cheeks.

    Maybe I'm not, 'cause all these hazy dreams seem
    to slip into space, as the pieces fit in place until they're
    fillin' the maze full, they're breakin' the walls down.
    Let these veils drop through the fakeness of false grounds.

    It's humorous, I knew my wishes weren't true yet, but you unin-
    tentionally made sense of what I could never truly view.
    You got down to the roots without lettin' the blooms wilt.
    Now, who fills the half full life held together
    with strings? I'd like to have felt what the weather
    will bring...but the umbrellas keep shelterin'
    me from all that fell into place like a piece
    of a machine, I'm seizeless in the search for this dream.
    An' although I never show harm, it hurts when I breathe.
    While it sounds sweet as songbirds, perched in a tree,
    I'm bound to be gone first, early to leave.
    Since I always pick the wrong worms, surely I'll cease.
    I gotta get sick of this sometime, unwindin'
    from one high with another isn't justified.
    I'll just defy logic, pushin' my concious
    to levels never heard of while rushin' by all this.
    Somehow, I must divide my wants from needs,
    but now's not the time for me to drop to knees,
    beg for forgiveness from that headstrong mistress,
    let the long distance driven be the fall that I witness.
    I've given all I've got to offer, but washin' the stains off a'
    clean hands with hot water's impossible. A steam bath's
    needed to scald all these problems away,
    never mind the reason, let's just call it a day.

    As the pieces of dreams seem to crawl into place,
    was it all just a waste of a fall without grace?
    Will it still matter after all is replaced,
    an' built back bigger as we halt our own chase?

    With an unrested head restin' on a headrest, restlessly
    goin' back and forth between the motions, repetitively.
    All this supposed dream weaver's been catchin' are memories,
    the ones I don't wish to remember when I'm ready to sleep.
    Let that woven thread an' twig loop keep 'em, I don't need it
    or even want it. I try not ta proceed down the lane leading
    to the same things again, and again and again, but I'm there,
    once again, stuck in this reoccurring nightmare.
    My soul has been blinded by my mind's glare, but do I care?
    No, not a single iota, but here's something I might share.
    That nothingness of what's behind slumbering eyes is bearing a heavy burden,
    so I can be certain to stumble each time it becomes carried any further​
    test
  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    Brother Breathless, I need a 24hr extention...I am almost done, may not need it, but better be safe than a loser.
    test
  6. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    what happened to all that confidence there eh? ha, just playin', I don't mind giving you an extension tho, whatever you need brosephus
    test
  7. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    [​IMG]


    An Explorer sails past the Ocean wilderness
    Westward burning, over blown with lip service
    One vessel, one water ? Two questions of destiny
    All running tests, condensing its true supremacy
    The ship smuggles humans past civil climates
    Stolen convicts disarm Negroes cast as pirates
    Fitting slaves inside, under the summer solstice
    Lambs for Lions, alive in a dumpster fortress
    Upholding no European ordnance for the rest
    Pass or fail test; nod yes or go protest

    Five masts connect together a wooden haul
    Selected against brothers in arms for it all
    Riveted by iron and cunning, cut from a diamond
    Built from something coming, by rupturing time in
    Sailing a radius of romance, by gentlemen in hats
    Anchored, dragging by mysterious bended flats
    Fables are born. To end all, tell all Mosaic Rides
    Kicked by able bodies of said Cinderella brides...


    Captain's Log:

    I forget which I gave; as I am the hero guide
    Out yonder, simply stitching waves of genocide
    Some who show mercy deny me the beginning
    All dying while I burn them alive with brimming
    Most sink and swim over tides of rabid secession
    The weak and thin are to die by candid selection
    Ten thousand towed between Sexton chains
    Rag dolls drowned in fifteen seconds per frame
    A thousand rife in line, dragged to the Ocean floor
    Empty space is worth more than I bought them for...

    With a lighter load we pick up greater speed
    Daring to go were our chariots bear us to lead
    Fixed on our destination with mad money on it
    West Indies abound dropping off salves in profit
    Sailors behave zestfully in punch drunk love
    Broken up wrestling, singing songs unsung of
    They host ghostly images boastfully posted
    As mostly imitating us as pistols go loaded
    It's commonly sequenced, legitimate are killings
    Immediately guilt sets in for dumping the unwilling

    Deception is labeled and sold in payment plans
    Lost relics teach to racism, can you feel me man ?
    The rest is like working a fan for brain pleasure
    Learned as a ship traffics after two bland departures
    Watching on par with it, sailing silently in secret
    Though none can look and see the tiny leaflets
    Most just wait to be sure and specific, and refit
    On beaches with shards and leaches beneath it
    Ancestors suddenly, humbly came in a dream
    Wow, what wounded knee honestly now means ...







    [​IMG]









    .
    test
  8. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    284
    Breathless
    Your imagery was strong and clear
    You story was in depth yet, not much to the story if you know what I mean.
    A good verse, the rhymes where ok and the flow was great in some parts and then would drift off in others
    As the pieces of dreams seem to crawl into place,
    was it all just a waste of a fall without grace?
    Will it still matter after all is replaced,
    an' built back bigger as we halt our own chase?
    Was my fav part.
    I just couldn’t get into the story for long I had to stop and restart a couple of times

    Coup
    The first to stanzas were great.
    The rhymes are good, the flow was nice most of the way through
    The imagery was strong, that is until the ending, I am not sure what happened there, it may have been me, but I felt a little lost in the end just the last half of the last stanza
    But a nice drop
    For a more enjoyable read
    Vote coup
    test
  9. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    vote = Coup

    Coup - The rhymes in this were really flat and I felt like I was reading a short novella rather than a verse. It was just very droning with no breaks or pauses or anything to break up the monotony of the piece. Beyond that there were certain wording issues that I had, if you're going to put something in that time frame and describing Saxon chains, you need the rest of your verbiage to be synonymous with this.

    Breath - So your first 16 bars essentially just repeated the first 2 and you didn't develop anything. The whole verse carried this repetitive and drawn out tone. It was something you could have delivered a lot better. The rhyme scheme was sub par and the verse was as bland as could be.
    test
  10. Muti

    Muti I just write

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    756
    Breathless

    ...but the umbrellas keep shelterin'
    me from all that fell into place like a piece
    of a machine, I'm seizeless in the search for this dream.
    An' although I never show harm, it hurts when I breathe.
    While it sounds sweet as songbirds, perched in a tree,
    I'm bound to be gone first, early to leave.
    Since I always pick the wrong worms, surely I'll cease

    Hey man you are a strong writer. I thought the verse wasn;'t as deep as coup but it had so much potential.. you have a good writers voice and the dream was somethign of dreams where others could relate to..what i posted with this vote is somethign i thought to be very strong indeed.

    Coup...yeah...so you are a good writer ay? lol naw but your story was very deep..especially thw first two stanzas where I seen so mauch imagery in it..

    Five masts connect together a wooden haul
    Selected against brothers in arms for it all
    Riveted by iron and cunning, cut from a diamond
    Built from something coming, by rupturing time in
    Sailing a radius of romance, by gentlemen in hats
    Anchored, dragging by mysterious bended flats


    Just a very strong start of the 2nd stanze and it just flowed very nice..the story just puled me in..very strong..I have to admit you will go far in this tourney if people start showing..

    my vote coup but both to me was outstanding good first round match up
    test
  11. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Joined:
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    BREATHLESS:

    this started slow for me, but it did pick up as it went on, only to fall off a little near the end...the rhyme scheme was all over the place and usually I am against that but it somehow worked, but it took a second read to appreciate it, the whole thing just didn't fit the picture for me, i would've did some kind of fantasy narrative, the whole dream aspect just needed more for me to say wow...but all and all this was decent



    COUP:

    first let me say the way you put the two pictures together worked well, as for the rhyme scheme it was bland...your mechanics were well though, this seemed more of a poem than a short story but i was still digging it, it kept me reading to the end but this was a nice read

    OVERALL:

    my vote goes to coup, just my opinion, both verses were ok, but for week 1 of the tournamnt it wasn't bad, it came down to topic and mechanics, so for that i give my vote to coup, good job guys
    test
  12. billy nomates.

    billy nomates. rain cancels play.

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    vote - coup

    coup - mechanics were pretty good but i found the piece over all to be a bit soul less. flowed nice and easily though and the pace was kept throughout the piece. i also liked the way that you connected the two pictures.

    breath - found the scattering of rhymes a bit of a chore to read through but over all the piece wasn't too bad. an enjoyable read over all but as i said the scatty rhymes made it quite difficult to hold my concentration
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  13. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Coup wins 2 to -3
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