[RD1] 5. Breathless vs 6. CANDY

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jun 11, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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  2. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    diluted memories

    My very first memory, and the details that came through
    Asking my mom why we had to leave the trailer, age two
    Then, a time lapse of remembering, when the forgotten seemed to join
    I can recall that lost feeling, returning from Cedar Point
    We left on a dirt road, three days later it was paved
    But, the thing is, I don't remember the dusty road we left
    just, and only, the difference it made
    And it all goes the same for the rest of most my life
    I remember my brother not winning my that stuffed monster
    But I don't know what kind of game he played and must've lost there
    Honestly, I just now realized, something is not here... wait
    Like, 5 long years that I can't visualize my father's face
    I mean, I've seen pictures of me in his his lap, younger
    I know he wasn't no deadbeat, so there must be a lesson trapped under
    repressed scenes. I can see what he said then
    the messages are clear, but its weird, like a dense lens
    filtered through blurred images which jilt me now, yet appear limited
    Every single recollection I can conjure up still seems visionless
    its like I was blind to impressions of humanism, while I witnessed it
    A nice trick for my mind to play, elimanting physical characteristics
    with the essense of their vessels still sticking in my brain cells
    A miniscule comparison of logistics, but basically
    The visual sights are buried back behind narcissistic complacency
    The pinnacles of my varied past got lost to make way for me
    test
  3. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    4,154
    Amber in Autumn
    ..
    A vibrating string strummed as if a vein was cut
    And the same blood stains an organ too ashamed to pump
    From the highest pitch to hells fire pits, I remain as one
    Before a symphony of bones, notes and a notation of love
    I am Amber, sprung by the fall of things yet to come
    I call not for forgiveness
    As the song I sing, will be sung
    ..
    [​IMG]
    ..
    My father believed the world would sit in my palms
    As long as I held the strength to resist a man’s charm
    Ingest I had a fist full of armour that rest on my heart
    Until the day dad departed and fled from the farm
    At large I took on the globe piece by piece
    Constructing a tone of hope too unique to cease
    Now I unleash a beast, deprived of sleep yet I speak belief
    Yes I seek deceit, half alive until my feats complete
    I arrive at each borough, bordered up and hollow
    Hording more sorrow then most broads in these wallows
    I became an easy target for these sleazy marks men
    But I am scared deep enough to finish what I started
    Artistic and pure as a morning sun set on a brothel
    Hostel from the drugs that duet my hydroxyl
    The man rests; my dress is torn as I mourn what is left
    And deport to collect everything short of regret
    To the next district, I visit with my heart on my sleave
    The next prison from decisions, knowing the victim is me
    I structure and forge with a fine touch from the scorned
    Trying to fix fractures I horde before a mattress of porn
    There is a method in my mayhem; I will show you the light
    But for now I pave the path that keeps me alive
    Surviving on gossip I hear in tomorrow’s winds
    My father’s new address blesses my broken wings
    There is hope in spring as I travel on a boat to him
    My floating dreams get ship to let the show begin
    My skins growing thick as I approach with a homemade blade
    I shank and shive by his ribs until the bones I shave
    I tow his broke remains to my range like he knows no pain
    Then throw a wave of fluid in his face so he slowly wakes
    He sits before a piano of forgiveness and promise
    A coffin of forgotten hope, lost but yet so honest
    From constant abuse this is fused with mans imperfections
    From the hammers to the keys it’s indeed a reflection
    Of a woman’s fight to survive alone impartially
    I have carted these teeth, bones and these arteries
    To form a beat that must be sung despite of me
    So as you lie there father let the choir speak
    My tired feet have moved through dirt and craters
    Chasing the final strings for a hymn made of rapists
    Emotional faded, hosting my only focus for slow changes
    I ask
    how can YOU hold the world dad, without your pronators
    I attach the last muscles as my father bleeds out
    With a tea cup of arsenic, I believe I’m free now
    I sip it gently as this young martyr decays
    Knowing my ode will remain long after today
    ..
    Through the chambers of recent ambers whispers still touch us
    On the tongues of each female who won’t get held down by injustice​
    test
  4. SiegeSupreme

    SiegeSupreme Well-Known Member

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    Breathless- I liked yours alot. You have a very nice vocab & the story flowed smoothly. Most of al your usage of syllables didn't sacrifice any meaning, which I really enjoy. I liked the progression of memories presented in your story and though overall this was a dope piece. No lines that were "outstanding" but they all went together well and were strong as a collective.

    Cereal - WOW. This read like poetry but was just dope as fuck. Good vocab, had a nice little rhythm, good multis, great story. I especially like this line:
    But man this was a great piece. A little long, but it was a good read so that point is null.

    Overall this was a dope battle. Both came strong. What took it for me was that Cereal had more lines that stood out in my mind and also the fact that his was a little longer allowed for him to tell a better story and open/close it effectively. Honestly Breathless drop was good enough to probably beat a lot of other people, but Cereal just came strong on this one.

    Vote/ Cereal.
    test
  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Breath - I did enjoy this. However there were parts were i thought you kind have messed up the pace. Lines like "And it all goes the same for the rest of most my life" were worded a bit awkwardly which messed with a otherwise smooth verse. I did actually like a lot of the lines in your story. Lines like

    "My very first memory, and the details that came through
    Asking my mom why we had to leave the trailer, age two"

    and

    "Like, 5 long years that I can't visualize my father's face"

    had solid imagery. Well done breath.


    CK - I had forgotten how talented you were lol. This was an amazing story and was worded perfectly. How you worded lines added another element to the imagery you were trying to portray and it really amazed me. You described things well enough without weighting down your story with unnecessary details. This

    "I structure and forge with a fine touch from the scorned
    Trying to fix fractures I horde before a mattress of porn"

    Was an amazing bar...well done


    Overall I think Cereal took this. Nothing against breath but Cereal's wording was key here to delivering a stellar piece. Without that wording, his story would've been choppy and a chore to read. Good work guys


    V/ CK
    test
  6. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
    Messages:
    16,814
    over no shows

    will insert vote here

    Breathless...

    Decent verse... your bars are much shorter than they used to be earlier this year, which is a huge improvement... cuz the flow was fluid, despite the lack of inner bar rhyming, as most of the rhymes were at the end of each bar... The story was okay, but it wasnt that suspenseful... but non etheless it kept me reading to an extent... i also appreciate a writer with a decent vocab

    Cereal - dope wording as always in the story... what a story for fathers day... lol. the good things is your prose, even though i felt the story itself kind of went a little slow... but it was completely understood... one thing that i feel was missing was the stabbing was quick, and i was curious to see the reaction of the guy when it happened... its not neccesary, i suppose, since this is a monologue, but i woulda appreciated seeing the shock, suprise, or acceptance of the characters demise...

    Vote CK... rhyme structure was more advanced. and there was more to his story
    test
  7. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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    test
  8. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    Joined:
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    736
    Breath: Man you really upped your game for this week, imo. Almost night and day from some of your previous verses.
    We left on a dirt road, three days later it was paved
    But, the thing is, I don't remember the dusty road we left
    just, and only, the difference it made

    That set up was really nice, wish the finish was a little stronger though, but nice nonetheless. There were some really great moments in this, with the strongest being your first couple lines. A few lines here and there were not so great and hurt the piece a bit, but overall, i'm pretty impressed.

    CK: It's been a long while man, and I clearly forgot how good you were. Quite a story you extracted from this picture. This piece is a great example of incorporating both rhymes and storytelling without having one take away from the other.
    On another note, why the heck are you listed as CANDY? Does shaddy like to suck you, is that why? How many licks.... But I digress.

    Breath, I wish you were paired up with a noshower or a weaker writer this week, because I think you would have really grown in this tournament. But as it stands, this one goes to CK.

    Vote- CK
    test
  9. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    Me took...
    Votes will go here, as well as the one for cereal:ihadadream:
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  10. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    Breathless - Very nice verse, I love how much you have improved
    and how much better your wording and overall mechanics have got.
    I have seen a lot of verses based on life and memories, I wont go
    as far as to say its one of the best ive seen but its defo up
    there, nice job.

    Cereal - Wow, honestly this piece was fantastic, I even went
    back and read it again when I had finished. The wording, the flow
    everything that makes a verse top notch was present. Straight off
    the bat after the first 2 lines I knew I was in for a treat &
    I loved how the more I read, the darker the verse became.

    'Chasing the final strings for a hymn made of rapists'

    ^ I really loved that line.


    Overall Cereal is the clear winner here, Its very unlucky
    that breathless came up against a powerhouse in this tourney,
    especialy after showing up every week in the league.

    Vote - Cereal
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  11. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    CK up 5 to -3
    test
  12. Ravenous510

    Ravenous510 Well-Known Member

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    Hmmmmmm...

    Cereal Killer:

    Good read in many ways. Both you and breathless have well above average rhyming ability, imo.

    I thought your piece was a bit hard to follow. It was almost too long for me, and I felt like it rambled a bit, but you stayed on topic for the most part, although your ending was kind of strange and off kilter. I thought it could have been worded better, but like I said, altogether, a good read, and I enjoyed reading your rhymes.

    My two big issues with the verse are, however; 1) It was a bit too long for my taste, and rambled a bit...

    2) It came off like a verse of poetry as opposed to a rap verse. It lacked any flow, (and if you're wondering, "flow" usually comes from counting syllables in your lines and making sure they are numerically symmetrical), so you might wanna work on that in the future. Just try counting syllables in each of your lines and making sure they're equal, and I guarantee you your pieces will be much more fluid and enjoyable to read.


    Breathless:

    I enjoyed this piece. You demonstrated excellent rhyming ability and the capacity to stay on topic. You have a better idea of how to make a verse flow than Cereal Killer does, I think, and I would definitely say your verse reads much more like a rap verse, which I approve of. For a rap verse, however, your schemes seem to be a bit screwy. Try omitting any superfluous words. Sometimes, you have to remember that people will be able to understand what you're saying without every part of speech being present in a line, and sometimes, the omission of superfluous words can assist your verse in its flow.

    This battle was really hard to call, imo. Both CK and Breathless are talented writers, and will most likely do nothing but improve.

    My vote in this battle, however, is going to have to go to Breathless.

    Vote: Breathless
    test
  13. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    ck up 5 to -2
    test
  14. ~Matty P~

    ~Matty P~ Whats Good Son?

    Joined:
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    Breathe - Not to bad a verse at all...Lacked enough overall to keep me fully attentive. Was shorter than mine and I thought I came lackluster lol...Wasnt bad as far as poetry/rhyming but just not enough to hold me to it.


    CK - easily my fav piece so far that I've read...Dope my dude it looks like you done this before lol.

    CK easily IMO

    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-...gue/1327679-rd1-1-matty-p-vs-2-aesthet1c.html
    test
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