[RD1] 23. ShadowWarriorfs vs 24. SiegeSupreme

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jun 11, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
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    VOTING


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    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
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  2. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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  3. SiegeSupreme

    SiegeSupreme Well-Known Member

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  4. SiegeSupreme

    SiegeSupreme Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]



    Autumn Music

    Every rapper keepin it “thug”...
    Poppin bottles, got my drink in a cup
    I miss that real Autum Music,
    Leaves droppin' like the beats that I love
    I stand ashamed...
    It's killin my heart
    Bewildered, distraught
    I know Autumn's the time of change
    ...but just be real to the art
    They changin' colors.
    & hiphop is in a declined state
    Even birds see the Autumn...
    ...& get ready to migirate...
    I'm finna go.
    Grab my bags & my tee's
    Pack & just leave
    Cuz aritst´s are missin´what´s essential:
    That chlorophyll that keeps you healthy & attatched to the tree...
    & I love music.
    The piano's & keys,
    I dance to the beats
    But all I hear are Spring-time rappers
    ...They're only obsessed with havin' some “green”.
    I turn my back to the pianow.
    This music just ain't my cup of tea
    It's watered down from somethin' sweet
    & that it sells defies all logic-
    Like the flights of bumblebee's
    And in Autumn the day's get shorter.
    Like the careers of these rappers & gimmicks
    They don't have any lyrics
    & drop one hit their whole life...
    ...That makes us dance for a minute
    But it's not enough.
    Sylvia died at 75
    & Pac's still the best rapper...
    ...whether dead or alive
    & if these new rappers aren't reaching the public
    Helping to benefit lives?
    Then I pray for the Winter Music...
    The day that HipHoop & everything dies.
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  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    You heard stories that bath salts make you have zombie-like tendencies. So you decide to try it and see if it is true. What happens?





    Keep Flying

    Her eyes wide, heart full of prosperous dream
    Marijuana on her breath thinking she had lost her steam
    Ignoring the snide remarks reaching for cloudless sky
    Ready to leap praying that god allowed us to fly
    Her spirit free like an infant bird breaking from its shell
    Her lungs full of smoke lifting the world as if it fell

    One day,
    She found a girl clinging to the branches of hell
    Filled with sympathy Cindy wanted to help her get well
    The smell of blood potent as Cindy is pushed away
    Cindy was confused wondering why someone left her this way
    “So naïve, still sniffing the roses that smell of death and decay”
    She turned to see two men walking in her direction
    “Do I know you?” she asked with love and affection
    “I am no one.” He said as he grabbed her frail arm
    She struggled to get free hoping to avoid any harm
    She scratched his face as the other man pinned her down
    Covering her mouth with a rag so she couldn’t make a sound
    Ripping off her clothing as she continues to convulse
    Feeling a ripped penis pushing inside her and pulse
    Pumping and salivating as the next guy takes his turn
    While Cindy lay there quietly watching the sky burn

    He pulls out and squirts his warm semen over her chest
    Laughter fills the air as they turn and start heading west
    Cindy’s breathe heavy as she jumps to her bruised feet
    Her eyes glossy as she screamed like an animal in heat
    One of them turned as the other was pinned to the ground
    Nose missing with Cindy making a chewing sound
    One started running while the other tried to stop the bleeding
    Cindy seething vowing to swallow his lungs before leaving
    She wanted it next to her heart so it could feel his breathing
    With blood dripping into his mouth he began pleading
    But his words were muffled by voices in Cindy’s ear
    She looks up and notices the sky gradually becoming clear
    As sanity return to her eyes, the sun warms her skin
    Watching the clouds hoping she would fly again

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  6. Ravenous510

    Ravenous510 Well-Known Member

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    Ummmmmmmm...

    My vote: SiegeSupreme
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  7. Aesthet1c

    Aesthet1c The Morning Star

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    SiegeSupreme:

    I like it, but you really lack imagery. You need to express more and "Cuz aritst´s are missin´what´s essential" Well, that's true but what are they missing? Explain more, and express more and you would have my vote.



    ShadowWarriorfs:

    Very detailed but very profound too be talking of rape. I really like this piece though, it has a climax (pun not intended) and a happy ending (sort of) But it's very story, and kept me reading when I say the 3rd verse.

    Gonna look out for you...

    V/Shadow
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  8. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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    Siege:
    Your rhythm was hot and what i mean by that is your structure was so well tuned i could just calmly read through this with a melody. Which was very nice but saying that your vocab was simple rhyming with no multi syllable words and few internal rhymes. Your overall metaphor was decent with my favourite line being the migrating birds bar. This is a very poetic piece and what makes it different from the run of the mile hip hop life is that poetic flare you used. Nice drop dude.

    Shad:
    LOL dude you depict such a wonderfully dark picture every time. Your imagery is and will always be A grade. Story was cool, there wasn’t many events taken place though the few that did had such awesome description attached to them. The development of the story was cool and truthfully I rather fewer lines then lacing a verse with fillers but i know you potentially could do an all out epic tale with that imagery of yours and blow readers minds. Your metaphor was good, nothing fantastic but still ok. Either way hot drop

    vote = shadow

    This came down to a poetic metaphor verses an imagery driven short story, I had to lean more towards the story tbh but in no way does this take away from siege’s appealing picture that he painted. Awesome job guys and good luck.
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  9. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    uppin over no shows....

    vote will go here

    siege.... i liked your piece, trying to compare hiphop to autumn.... i loved pac myself, lol, but i no longer think he is the best rapper... but thats just my opinion... the flow was hot... this could be a great open mic or spoken word piece if you have a good voice... good drop

    shadow - something tells me your more of a novelist than a hip hop head... you have great descriptions, good metaphors, but when it comes to the "rhyme" you are very simplistic and this can hurt you against people who are exceptional rhymers... you usually rhyme at the end of youe lines, with no inners, and you lack an abundance of multi syllables... which could be pleasing to the eye...

    in this case, though, your writing pulled you through... siege had a good piece... but with your descriptiveness you really pulled me into your piece more than the latter... but it is something you need to take a look at as you get deeper into this tourney

    vote shadow
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  10. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Siege: Pretty smooth and easy to read. The flow was good. But as far as content, you didnt really go deep in to it. You said you didnt like current hiphop early in the verse, and really just stretched it out without adding anything new, like why you dont like it. wasnt much imagery or anything. i did like the closing line though. prolly my favorite of the verse.


    Shadow: just cuz i know youre a stickler for grammar and spelling, it should have been Cindy's breath, not Cindy's breathe...haha. other than that though this was fire. loved the imagery throughout, loved the ending. I laughed at the line about the nose missing, and Cindy making a chewing sound. overall, dope drop.


    vote- Shadow
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  11. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Shadow up 3-0


    it was actually suppose to be Cindy breathes :-D
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  12. Ravenous510

    Ravenous510 Well-Known Member

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    I absolutely concede that Shadow had more poignant imagery, but I didn't care for his content, and furthermore, I think alot of people in this league are confused as to whether they want to write poetry or rap. While one could consider rap a subset or subgenre of poetry, it does have a more specific set of rules to follow. Poetry in general doesn't even have to rhyme, while rap absolutely has to rhyme.

    I voted for Siegesupreme, because I feel that while he may not have conveyed quite as majestic a storyline, his rhyming ability and flow came across biliously, and to me, this is extremely important. We are on a hip hop/rap website, afterall.

    I enjoyed both participant's submissions, however, but I was partial to Siegesupreme's. I can, however, understand where the other voters are coming from when they defer to Shadow's superior imagery.
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  13. BlackJesus

    BlackJesus ***************

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    SiegeSupreme

    Jesus H Christ almighty I have waded through some horseshit to get to the first really solid verse I've read so far. While I will admit...the topic is a bit played...you did it justice. Comparing the different sates of Hiphop to the different seasons was smartly done. Music, compared to fall's leaves, IS falling off. The "spring" rappers, who seem raw and new, and green so to speak, show rap musics younger face. Your verse also had a strong flow throughout. As I read I could hear it in my head as an audio composition...which is tough to do in a written text piece. I enjoyed it man.

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    ShadowWarriorfs

    Well....okay....hrmmmm.....

    Here is the main problem I have with your verse.

    You foreshadow in the beginning of your verse the idea of flying. The whole first stanza is painting the fact that at some point this broad is gonna fly...or something flight like. Its telegraphed right there.

    There is a saying in writing/storytelling. If you show a gun on the mantle in act one...you better use it by act three. That means...dont mention shit in your writing that isnt important. Extraneous details muddle and clog an otherwise good idea. If I read in your piece that a girl wants to fly...then find out I'm reading a revenge piece about a chick getting raped and going all zombie on a dude...Im thinking...WTF?

    The thing is...you kept true to the above mentioned rule. You mentioned the girl wanting to fly in the beginning...AND you used it by act three. The only problem is...this fact had nothing to do with the meat of your story.

    Technically...it wasn't badly written...your story idea was just a little convoluted.

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    VOTE = SiegeSupreme

    This is the first battle I've read so far where I didnt have to chose between two turds. I enjoyed Siege's drop and Shadow's wasn't bad...it was just just his story formatting failed him in the end. This was a good battle and its a shame that it turned out so one sided...because both verses were good enough to win in either of the other battles I've voted on.
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  14. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Shad up 4-2
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  15. ~Matty P~

    ~Matty P~ Whats Good Son?

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    Ima vote shadow...

    I dig the different aspects and topics you touched. rhyme n poetry is nice with each paragraph. Shit to me felt dark which was nice because I just finished reading Kuja's and his was a bit more...light like? lol makes sense to me maybe not ya'll...but his was the opposite of yours so it was a nice switch up...good stuff

    Siege - dude got flow and rhythm. It seemed smooth to me and it was a nic pretty easy read overall. I iked how you wrote about what u think artists lack. But I feel as tho Shadow overshadowed you just a bit so he gets my vote

    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-...gue/1327679-rd1-1-matty-p-vs-2-aesthet1c.html
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  16. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    Seige: every thing about your verse was on point, it was a unique story-line. i love it b/c it was based on some shit I can "we" can all relate to. hip hop and the seasons.. how everything changes, and has it's season. therefore the poetic touch of this verse was hallmark, the rhymes were also pretty decent I think what can help you out to elevate is to really find your opinion and your voice on the topic and write from there, don't just write hip hops dyin, but show us why.

    Shad: your verses are always technically sound i was a little bit disturbed wit the rape scene and all that as i felt it was unnecessarily graphic. and the delivery of it was to forced as if you just wanted to describe one thing. but not give us any insight as to what lead this person up to that point and what happened after. almost like I clicked on the middle of the avengers and watch the middle/climax i wouldn't have the full story.

    vote : Seige
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  17. SiegeSupreme

    SiegeSupreme Well-Known Member

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    Shadow wins 5-3 I think it is.

    Good verse dude.
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  18. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    ^^what he said. thanks man!
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