[RD1] 19 Ravenous510 vs 20. RicoSuave

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jun 11, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent. Failure to acknowledge an extension request results in it being granted.
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
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    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Monday @ 8:59 PM PST

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    test
  2. Ravenous510

    Ravenous510 Well-Known Member

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    Hey guys....

    I don't think I'm going to be able to finish this by midnight tonight....

    I'm almost done, but I need a closer, and I have to get ready and go to work right now...

    Is it possible for you guys to shoot me an extension until like early tomorrow morning?

    Like maybe 5 or 6 a.m. or something?
    test
  3. RicoSuave

    RicoSuave New Member

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    "Diluted Memory"

    Please excuse my diluted memory
    I've been trying to survive, against my worst enemys
    Rap batles have my mind going in circles, and all other kinds of shapes
    But even with my diluted memory, I never forget to celebrate
    Toast to all the real men who stay on their grind
    And stay strong as their world unwinds
    The men who serve their country and keep us protected
    And even the men who provide for their families and keep us infected
    With Knowledge and respect those men shall for ever live in our thoughts
    In our diluted memories lye the things we've been taught
    I live my life to the fullest and I wouldn't want it any other way
    Because no matter what ur never gaurenteed another day
    So while ur thinking about the past and you find ur memory diluted
    Just remember that you will forever and always be life's student
    I'm new to this side of the road, but its one I will walk
    So if u don't think I'm topical material, we should sit down and talk
    test
  4. Ravenous510

    Ravenous510 Well-Known Member

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    Okay...sorry...I finished it as soon as I got home from work...hopefully you guys won't hold my slight lateness against me...



    Survival:

    If my brain’s mental state seems swell - sane, gentle, safe, clean, well.../
    Your assumptions are far off – my soul’s grieved, haunted, scorned/
    A past existence - 1812 - I’m a Russian hussar lost in the Napoleonic Wars/
    I have to witness these violent scenes rewind in my dreams/
    And play back like an 8-track, it’s a nasty business/
    The battlefield’s littered with dead or dying cannon fodder/
    Half are killed, shit, the rest are vying to hack and slaughter/
    Ambuscades, cannonades, standards raised /
    Banners wave in a phantom haze – the hand of fate fans the flames/
    Panoplies of future amputees and sutured half diseased bastards plead/
    For a medic to attend them, but they’re met with cruel aggression by a retinue of Frenchmen/
    I’m keepin’ still on the edge of the treeline/
    My steed’s been killed – my death is by design/
    Ancient powers are conspiring -guns firing – it’s blazin’ howitzers/
    Grape shot, shaved top – I’m displayin’ cowardice/
    My brain’s lucid as I lay wounded/
    I pray God breathes life into misery - bless my mortal soul/
    I refer to Deuteronomy’s words or numerology/
    A vain plot to decipher the mystery of death before I go/
    But life force waned when the white horse came – a lonely rider/
    My weakened heart’s fadin’ as I’m reincarnated – a soul survivor/
    test
  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Rico - This verse wasn't really a story to me. It was more of just a lyrical verse. There wasn't any substance to really have an entertainment factor here. The flow was nice but you have to develop something in your stories. Good work tho


    Ravenous - I found the wording awkward here. It made the read a bit sloppy to me. Other than that, the story was probably better than Rico because you went into some depth with it. Still this verse scratched the surface on what it could have been. You didn't really intrigue me with the story nor did you take a creative approach to such a broad topic. I figured it was so you could adjust to the league which is fine this week.

    Overall this was a ok matchup. Both writers took a basic approach her but Raven developed a story more so he gets my vote

    V/ Raven
    test
  6. Aesthet1c

    Aesthet1c The Morning Star

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    Rico:

    I didnt really experience what you were feeling when you wrote this. Try and express your emotions/feel more to develop imagery. I really like "I'm new to this side of the road, but its one I will walk" if you explained why, and whent in depth you would have my vote.

    Ravenous:

    Sure you got big words, but I dont see very many rhymes which is kind of required considering were on a rap forum. But, I do like some of the wording you chose like "I’m keepin’ still on the edge of the treeline" it really entices the reader to explore it more and really shows them the abstract side of the artist. Rhyme more, and Explore more in the art side.

    V/Raven
    test
  7. Ravenous510

    Ravenous510 Well-Known Member

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    test
  8. Aesthet1c

    Aesthet1c The Morning Star

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    Love ur voice.
    test
  9. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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    Rico:
    This was written with a personal delivery, a concept that is played in the topical world but can be polished up nicely. Your vocab is ok and for a warm up this is a good step forward to start writing something truly amazing. Flow was pretty decent though as far as lengthy lines some came across as a little stretched but that is just a learning curve. The structure as a whole wasn’t fantastic but as far as direction you never faulted off track and you did show you have a large passion for what you do, so much respect. Nice drop.

    Rave:
    That was short but sweet. I enjoyed this, the strongest part was your use of beautiful vocab to paint such amazing imagery. You laced the verse with some hot flow through out which made this piece grab my attention. The phantom haze bar is pretty hot. Yeh I enjoyed this I think in such a short space you gave me a taste of a great story and what is needed in further rounds is to drop a couple more lines digger deeper into the depths a full blown tale with the same amount of character development and just a bit more of plot development. None the less top notch work.
    vote = Ravenous510

    Good battle Rave was just a bit stronger in certain areas, edging out Rico imo. Good luck guys
    test
  10. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    uppin over no shows

    will insert vote here

    Rico... your verse was okay... work out the kinks in that verse and u could possibly use it as an audio if u havent already... as for the "written" side of things... it didnt really hold my attention... i only powered through it cuz i knew it was short. it was a decent "topical" but you needed to expand on the concept a little bit more... imo... glad you dropped though

    Ravenous... i didnt watch your video, and i thought your flow was a little awkward in places... but overall i liked your flow... you win this battle with the entertainment factor... i was able to get into your piece and really enjoy it for the small thing it was... you have "survived" the first round

    vote ravenous
    test
  11. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    Rico:
    The beginning of your piece made me facepalm.. I found myself wishing you did something more creative with this topic. This read like one of those cypher videos people post on youtube where the camera is shaky and they're freestyling with a beer in one hand and some smokes in another. In that scenario, this would be a pretty nice verse. Unfortunately, unlike the last line of your piece claimed, this verse wasn't a very good topical piece. You show that you have a good foundation to grow though and with a few weeks in the RSTL, you could really develop into a problem for others.

    Ravenous: Didn't listen to your audio, because that's an unfair advantage (or disadvantage if you suck) in a written league. This was a pretty good introductory verse into the league. The way you chose to format your verse is a bit different from the norm here, but that was refreshing to see. You clearly know how to rhyme and it didn't feel like you were forcing rhymes just for the sake of rhymes, which is great. However, if you move into the next round, you'll want to work on fleshing out your story more and trying to approach the topics from a more creative perspective.

    vote: ravenous
    test
  12. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
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    Rico - Ok, not a bad little verse here, it was what it was
    nothing really blew me away as it kind of read as more as
    an introduction verse to me, a little showcase of your talent
    the keep us infected line confused me a little lol, but I
    assume you ment 'keeping us infected with knowledge' given
    whats on the next line. Anyways keep writing.

    Raven - I do think there is room for improvement, I just feel
    it could be worded better but thats just me. Other than that
    I ejoyed this piece, you had great imagery and a steady flow
    made it an easy read, have to say the Phatom haze line stood
    out to me, nice job.

    Vote - Raven, better all round verse imo
    test
  13. SiegeSupreme

    SiegeSupreme Well-Known Member

    Joined:
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    Rico - This was an ok verse. Like me you seem not used to writing topicals lol. I know I'm not the one to tell you this but it seems more like a song than a topical. I liked reading it though, and you used words well. Just try to tie everything together next time.

    Revenous - You have a good vocab and ok little rhythym. However every couple of bars you would come out of nowhere with bars that just didn't rhyme and it really threw me off. I don't know if that's your style or not but it doesn't really work in a rap battle when you do it too often. Maybe once or twice it's still readable but here you had as many lines that rhymed than as didn't. However, you still did enough to win.

    Vote/Ravenous
    test
  14. BlackJesus

    BlackJesus ***************

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    Vote time motherfuckers!


    Ravenous510

    Well what do we have here?

    I gotta say man...the beginning of your verse gets lost in translation a little bit. What I mean but that is...I spent so much time on the first few line trying to figure out what rhymed and what didn't I forgot what I was reading about. After going through the first few lines...3 times...I suddenly found myself in multi land. Multis are a lot like fat broads. One or two can be fun...but when you start using them all the time...people start talking behind your back. Nobody like a chubby chaser man...(except maybe fat chicks...but I digress.) Needless to say...your verse got Jenny Craig very quickly.

    Its like you felt bad for not rhyming shit in the beginning...so you just started rhyming everything in sight.

    Your verse is what it is...sort of middle of the road. BUT im a world class nip picker. And I have a serious pet peeve about dudes who write to sound all poetic and shit...but pay no attention to what they are actually saying. Its all well and good to get creative and rhyme shit...but just look at your last 4 lines man. LOOK AT THEM!

    First ask yourself this question...If you where a soldier on a battlefield...dying...could you see yourself using numerology to find comfort in your time of need? Like...were you looking around and saw 3 burning trees and thought to yourself...."Yep...3 burning trees...I remember seeing 3 dead dudes back there...and I heard three gunshots....thats gotta mean something right?" Fuck outta here with that. If your gonna force a rhyme man...make it a GOOD rhyme. So good I dont call you out when you piss on my head and tell me its raining.

    Secondly...Why mention Dying and Surviving in the same sentence? I see what you were going with..."SOUL" survivor but honestly...it your trying to shoe horn a twist into a story that never built one to begin with. It just looks and sounds clumsy to me. Like the old black guy at my work who tries desperately to sound educated by using big words...but he uses them incorrectly and it only has the opposite effect.

    Its not completely horrible...extra points for using words I had to look up. And once you decided to start rhyming you started to gvet a solid flow going.

    Lets see what the other guy has...



    -----------------------------------------------------------------


    RicoSuave

    Pull up a seat sir...lets sit down and talk.

    While I enjoyed your "Elks club toast" it was about 20 miles away from your actual topic. It came off more like the audio of a beer commercial then a topical piece.

    "LETS ALL SALUTE THE MEN WHO HAVE MADE US WHO WE ARE TODAY....AND BUY 'EM A BUD LIGHT!"

    While you did make me suddenly wanna call my dad and see how he is doing...it didnt really grab me as a topical. It was a bit scatter brained and didn't really follow the topic.



    -----------------------------------------------------------------


    VOTE = Ravenous510

    While I made it clear I had my problems with this verse...it at least had something to do with the topic at hand. It was a narrative on the last moments of a soldiers life...during the war of 1812...and what happens to brave men who die in combat.

    (At least thats what I'm telling myself....)
    test
  15. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Raven up 5 to -3
    test
  16. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Rico: the rhymes of this verse was pretty dope, but this really didnt have the feel of a topical verse. Though i feel that since you brought up the men who serve the country, its hard to vote against this. lol. but seriously, the rhymes were good, you just need to work on developing a story out of your topic.

    Ravenous: i love short verses, when it comes to voting. but actually, this was pretty cool. your vocab was dope. some lines were a bit awkward, but i didnt think it really hurt you. also, i loved

    "Ambuscades, cannonades, standards raised /
    Banners wave in a phantom haze – the hand of fate fans the flames/"

    that was fire, imo.



    vote- Rave
    test
  17. Ravenous510

    Ravenous510 Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry...I know this is one post past my limit in this thread, but I had to respond to this...

    You don't like "multis", fine...you don't feel the first few bars of my verse, fine...I completely admit that it might be a bit difficult to catch the rhyme scheme if you don't rap like I do, (which is usually at almost double time or 2/2 tempo all the time), but to say that you don't like the last few bars of my verse because you don't think that a dying Russian soldier on the battlefield during the French invasion of Russia in 1812 would refer to numerology during his last moments is simply born of ignorance.

    My entire verse was essentially inspired by my recent completion of the novel War and Peace, a novel in which Tolstoy describes, in detail, the culture of Russia during the early 1800's, and Russian culture at the time had recently been infiltrated by Freemasonry, and esoteric belief systems had become extremely popular among the Russian military and elite. Among these ideals and belief systems stemming from the presence of Freemasonry in Russian culture was an interest in numerology.

    And so, yes...it is actually quite possible that a Russian Hussar taking his last breath on the battlefield might indeed "refer to numerology" in order to make sense of what is happening to him.

    Just do some fuckin' research before you come in these threads actin' all high and mighty flyin' off the handle and whatnot with your "critiques", big guy.

    Btw: http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-...riorfs-vs-24-siegesupreme.html#post1069665890

    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-...gue/1327679-rd1-1-matty-p-vs-2-aesthet1c.html

    http://board.rapmusic.com/rapmusic-...ague/1327677-rd1-5-breathless-vs-6-candy.html
    test
  18. BlackJesus

    BlackJesus ***************

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    *edit*


    Nevermind. I Dont wanna clog your thread. Maybe someday you can sit down and teach me how to rap.
    test
  19. ~Matty P~

    ~Matty P~ Whats Good Son?

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    test
  20. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    Rico: I liked the approach you brought to the table, It was almost like you were taking us thru some trials and tribulations of a battle rapper... it was an introspective spoken word topical there wasn't much story structure but you did deliver a good them with an anecdote at the end about being lifes student. i just feel that the message was immaturely developed and needed more enlightenment to it, the last two lines seemed sorta key styled this is what hurt you that and

    Ravenous: I can not lie i was intrigued with your use of flow/imagery/ word placement. although some area's were a bit choppy or forced. they were designed ina precise manner that I could acknowledge. I like the choice of story as it was unique and it held suspense your anecdote/punchline ender tho is what really elevated your verse above ricos. keep this coming you'll win the RSTL if you stay focused and try to do better each time.

    vote-rave
    test
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