[RD1] 1. ~Matty P~ vs 2. Aesthet1c

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jun 11, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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  2. Aesthet1c

    Aesthet1c The Morning Star

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    [​IMG]

    Please add ( http : // ) minus the () and reduce the excessive spacemarks.
    I have only been a member for 3 days but I plan on staying here for a long time!!!

    On a plane with no direction.
    A mind with no recollection.
    Your a mirror with a 2 way reflection.
    A mind that lives a life of fiction.
    Do a deal with a devil, repitition.
    Asking for money, twice mentioned.
    Traced back You knew it, tension.
    Eat you up like venision.
    Your family screaming at you "LET ME IN!"
    Slowly rotting like lepracy.
    Medaphporical yet no diversity.
    Living life to the fullest no recipe.
    Secret ingredient the rest to be.
    Your not worried cause your fates to be.
    predetermined like prey and a vermin.
    Your being watched, dont fuck up your being clocked.
    Punch you lyrical laced with chicken pox.
    As you walk onto your stage you realize its a cage.
    cant run though, they got a dot on your page.
    Blacklisted for a phonecall its better then none.
    You convince yourself it's better to have fun.
    Losing your life, killing you slow.
    Illuminating yet you have no glow.
    You cant kill me with books, or physical hooks.
    join with the pawns and corrupt the rooks.
    Thats all it took, the first were surprised.
    Killers and nobody dared to critisize.
    The United snakes Apitimized.
    Freedom of speach but they realized.
    Control the masses hidden from the frontlines.
    Founded on terrorism covered with lies.
    Tea Party murdering for individual lives.
    As long as life's better then the past is gone.
    Thats what you said when u said ud make me a DON.
    They are behind everything that ever was.
    They are the reason war involves blood.
    They are playing you and they are playing me too.
    Were already dead infected, black and blue.
    test
  3. ~Matty P~

    ~Matty P~ Whats Good Son?

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    [​IMG]

    Diluted memories caused by addictive tendancies.
    Fene's in the mind even beatles couldnt let it be.
    Keep asking myself...What is?...No Jeopardy.
    I'm hopin it's all an act...Bill Bellamy
    Are my memories Diluted or polluted?
    Addictions taken over no friends feelin secluded.
    I can't remember the last time I had a merry december.
    A loner around Christmas cause I been gone since November.
    No Wyclef. I let the weed smoke digest.
    The dillusion cause confusion pounding heart in my chest.
    Dead people on my floor, was it me?
    Could it be I killed three people and let em be.
    I don't re-call like it went to a voicemail.
    I might just crawl in the fetal n lie pale.
    Confused or amused at the bruised bodies?
    Abused and refuse to really care probably.
    Sorry.
    I feel the heat, no wonder.
    I made it rain, no thunder.
    I brought the pain to the brains of these 3...this summer.
    Glass shattered in half I passed out.
    Mass murderin cats n assed out.
    Gotta clean bodies ima be the last out.
    But was it me? Not sure what the past's bout.
    Im out
    test
  4. Aesthet1c

    Aesthet1c The Morning Star

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    Really like this segment, very deep. But, the first lyrics in my eyes set the tone for the rest of the song and I am not sure they match Proficiently.

    Referencing addiction to the topic "2 spoons of sugar" is very on top. But I dont like how you would include Bill Bellamy (a comedian) in a dark atmosphere that u have created.

    Cant tell if this is an addiction reference or just redrum lyrics, good lyrics but not very attractive or complimenting to the topic. Doesn't really match the picture personally. Unless ur an abstract artist.

    Like this last part, but again. Very redrum for my taste. If this was a cypher I would be a little more impressed.

    Try and specify the direction of your lyrics, you have some very deep imagery that you should express more. The redrum sections I really dont like, not very unique and i feel is too aggressive for the picture you chose. Metaphorically you did great, but I would have to see you rap in sound or a lot more on the forums in order to see how you express yourself.

    Thought I would give my 2 cents. I hope you will do the same.

    This was a hard topic to rap too and just in general rapping about something is difficult as it is. So, you got some props for me. Not going to lie, I chose an easy picture.
    test
  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Aesth - So this was a nice little first verse in the league. You had a few spelling errors such as 'Medaphporical' but overall it wasn't a hard piece to follow. The main problem i had with this was it didn't really have much substance as a story. It followed the lyrical aspect of writing but there wasn't any development that would really entice a reader outside of just enjoying lyrics. You did have some nice imagery here and if you could have developed a story more, this would have really taken off. Still for a first story, it wasn't bad. I would work on getting take some time to develop your story. there were places in your story where you had two lines that could've easily fit into one line with different wording which would have given you more lines for your story. Nicely done here. The imagery was the strong point of the verse.


    Matty P - I enjoyed the starting and ending lines in this. There were very poetic and was worded pretty well. The metaphors being a bit 'basic'. For example, "I don't re-call like it went to a voicemail." was blah for me. I think that you could've used metaphors in a better way so as to deliver a stronger message to your story. Still i thought this was a pretty nice solid story. Short but pretty solid. However, like Aesth, there wasn't any substance in it. You vaguely touched on what happened to those three people. With storytelling, you have to focus on things that will really catch the reader's eye. Still a nice read here.


    Overall I think you guys were a bit even. The verse i liked the most was probably Aesth mainly because it was more consistent to his story. The imagery fit better and was overall a stronger showing. Good work guys!


    V/ Aesth
    test
  6. SiegeSupreme

    SiegeSupreme Well-Known Member

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    Aesth- You started off good and had an okay story line. However, I felt that you sacrificed meaning a lot just for rhyme's sake. Don't do that. You had some nice lines but other's were just like "okay...that doesn't make sense, it just rhymes". Overall it showed a lot of promise though and kept me pretty interested.

    Matty - I actually liked reading yours more than aesth in a way, but it didn't really strike me as a "topical" verse. I like metaphors and using metaphors in rapping and battling, but a topical is much different. You shouldn't use them unless they tie really nicely into your story and you almost overused them in a way. Some of them just came across as corny, especially "I made it rain, no thunder" and the voicemail line. Overall just stick to the story more and less usage of metaphor's except a select few and you should be good.

    Vote/ Aesth
    test
  7. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    aesthetic: reading through your piece, the first thing i notice is the lack of depth. i wish you spent some more time developing your piece more and less time on the rhymes, yet the rhymes weren't exactly top notch either. I do see hints of creativity here and there though. this piece had some good basic foundations, but it just wasn't fleshed out enough for me. I don't know if this is your first time writing ever, or if you're from another site and just decided to compete here, but in general, this isn't a bad first showing for the RSTL. stick around for a while, you have potential.

    Matty P: First of all, I'm pretty damn sure you posted the wrong topic. your piece is about "diluted memories" right? you have the piano girl picture up, you should probably fix that. i liked the middle of your first more than the beginning or the end. overall, it wasn't a bad introduction piece, and the same applies to you.. stick around, learn a thing or two.
    I feel the heat, no wonder.
    I made it rain, no thunder.

    when i read this, it felt really obvious that "no wonder" was just filler to set up your "no thunder" ending... which wasn't that amazing of a line either. your piece could have been stronger if you had just left that out. I can see that you weren't exactly focused on telling the audience what happened to the three people and instead wanted to delve into the main characters fragmented state of mind. I think that's completely fine, but if you wanna do that, you need to execute it better.. your attempt at drawing us into the character and his state wasn't too effective. what hurt you the most, i think, is that the imagery was pretty lacking, and that's usually a big part for a piece/topic like this one..

    honestly i don't know which to vote for. i think the level in skill shown here was pretty equal.. i wasn't necessarily excited about either, but if i had to choose one, i guess i'll go with Matty P. based on the fact that i enjoyed his more and that there was a line or two that i thought was a bit clever

    vote- Matty
    test
  8. Ravenous510

    Ravenous510 Well-Known Member

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    @ Asthet1c:

    I have to be honest, man....your verse comes off much more like poetry than a rap verse.

    Very little complexity to your rhyme schemes, which makes your material kind of boring to read, quite frankly. I definitely dig the subject matter, though, and appreciate the fact that you obviously made a serious attempt at staying on topic, but I think that if you include a little more of a narrative aspect to your writing it will assist you in your competency in terms of staying on topic.

    All in all, a good read though, man.

    @ Matty P:

    I'm not really feelin' the subject matter, but I thought your verse read better than Aesthet1c's...also you didn't really stay on topic...I mean you did, but your predominant topic didn't really start until like halfway into the verse...

    Overall, I think I'd have to give this to Aesthet1c...

    My vote: Aesthet1c
    test
  9. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    will insert vote here....

    uppin over no shows

    this is the hardest battle ive had to vote on sooo far... aesthetic... im a sucker for flow, and your flow was fluid as hell... i kinda got lost in your writing, as the lyrics really pulled me in, however there was a lack of story... which is fine for a topical verse i suppose... but the content of the topical didnt intersst me, except for the flow... and how the words were put together... if that makes sense... i was reading your verse and all i could think was... another poetic cat in the league... i really like your style though, and with some tweaks you can be dangerous

    Matty ... i was pleasantly suprised by your verse... wasnt expecting this much... lol i rteally liked the development of your piece, and the way you wrote it, it appeared, clearer to me, than aesthetics... i think you also had a fluid flow, and your story just barely had a little bit more substance than aest...

    Matty B gets my vote

    But this battle will definately come down to preference... really impressive battle guys... Keep elevating
    test
  10. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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    Aes:
    This was cool with your short one liners, i think they needed more of a smoother transition from one to another but the overall meaning of each bar held its own.. The point you where displaying has been covered a lot but with a topical it is tough to break the mould.. Vocab was cool, a little bit jagged at times due to placement and wording but i’m sure you will improve on that.. All in all a fairly solid verse dude and i look forward to reading more of your work in the future..

    Matt:
    I think as far as structure and writing in hip hop format you are a lot stronger then Aes. Your wording was hotter and your flow was tighter. Your story really just scratched the surface, all its about is three men murdered, no development or twist. The thing is your potential is huge with the style you write you just need to come up with an original concept and flush it out.. Either way i enjoyed this piece.. Keep it up.

    vote = Matty P

    This came down to who was the smoother writer and MP took this.. Anywhoot great battle and good luck.
    test
  11. Aesthet1c

    Aesthet1c The Morning Star

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    All comes down to 1 vote if im right. Goodluck
    test
  12. Aesthet1c

    Aesthet1c The Morning Star

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    Ok so its a tie..... Now what? A battle for the win or what?
    test
  13. BlackJesus

    BlackJesus ***************

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    Okay okay okay...no ties here friend.

    Aesthet1c

    The first line of this piece kinda sums up how I felt about it. The readers hopped aboard an airplane with Hellen Keller behind the wheel.

    We kind sir...are two people on very divergent paths with this RSTL thing. You are new here...I've been around since dinosaurs roamed the earth...but I have been away for quite some time. SO either things have changed dramatically in my absence...or something is amiss.

    This read to me like an essay. It could have been titled..."Reasons I'm depressed" or "A bunch of shit that kinda sucks". We begin our journey talking about owing someone money or something...then we are getting eaten up like gamey meat....then our family is at the door...then my fruit juice is laced with chicken pox...followed by convincing my self having fun is better (isn't that already kind of a fact?) Its at this point I begin to force myself to NOT skim over the rest of the verse and hop off this crazy trip...but Im glad I didnt. Because you took a left turn at conspiracy street!

    All and all...I think this drop lacked direction. Like I said earlier you stayed on topic I suppose...but its like...someone gave you a topic and you just listed some shit that topic was about. Like...lets say someone gave me a topic like..."Baseball is dope!" and wrote the following...

    "Oh shit...I love Americas past time
    Dirt, the outfield, helmets and bat's grime
    Homeruns are dope too...they give fools trouble
    Watch that ball bounce over the wall...GROUND RULE DOUBLE!"

    I mean...I've heard worse...but this one just didnt do it for me.

    Lets see what the other guy did...shall we?

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    ~Matty P~

    Hehehehe

    So okay...

    When reading this drop I felt like I was a party...and I'm talking to this dude...and he tells me "Yo son...I just got outta jail son!" And I'm all like..."Word? What were you in for?"

    And his explanation was your verse.

    "Real talk son...I was on bath salts...and I found these three bodies on my floor son...real talk...I didn't even know what happened you feel me? I just curled up next to them fools. I was all like..."Sorry son!" But them fools was dead son! I was like OH shit...but I didnt real care though son....real talk. I mean...I didnt do shit...I dont know what the pasts bout son. I deal with the real!"

    It just made me giggle.

    Its like....to keep my sanity intact...my brain subconsciously created an interesting story to back up your verse.

    Also the end made me think of someone telling me a story then getting cut off by a call from their weed dealer that they have been waiting to call back. Shit was all detailed...then "Im out!"



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    Vote = Matty-P

    This came down to a lesser of 2 evils thing. Like I said above...Im from when this league was more of a storytelling kinds of thing. Most drops had beginnings, middles, and ends...Climaxes and conclusions...and if the RSTL has evolved away from that...I suppose this vote comes down to personal taste. I enjoyed the...one about the guy finding dead people on his floor over the graduation speech about shit that kinda sucks.
    test
  14. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Well if these guys vote or post links, the results could change...
    test
  15. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Matt up 1 to 0
    test
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