Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Jun 3, 2008.
VERSE DUE SATURDAY @ 11:59 PM EST
VOTES DUE MONDAY @ 11:59 PM EST
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dad.....never believe i had the pleasure.....good luck to you and good writing...
see you sometime soon.
puerto rico oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh
lol likewise dude.
Waste of Time
For you own good please stop reading.....
For I'm just an imaginative fragmentation
the keeper of lies, the bearer of fabrications
that will widen eyes and disrupt useful information
so at the smallest inclination of a slight hesitation...
I'll make preparations to genocide your brain's cell population
I"ll take vacation in the very mind guilty of your termination
a little concentration leads to a blank state of meditation
a few minutes roll by and I begin a conversation
have you ever conversed with your own imagination?
its as if all your sensations made a collaboration...
and your minds the DJ in charge of your own station
never try to hack into my network administration
you'll need proper ID and certification
but your qualifications came up short on the application
and you lack the education to bypass my mental's regulations
so turn back and join the formation of desperation
the eager beavers beasting to figure out my equation
to see what lies beneath.... show me your invitation
or forever hold your peace..you slave to imagination
Yet I too am a slave to my minds creations
Thats where my third eye twinkles like little stars
and I take the time to count my guardian angels battle scars
just to make sure hes on his game and battles hard
because if he doesn't I'll have to test how he handles shards..
from the hourglass that broke when he wasted my minutes
should I waste a statistic by wasting a writer that I mimic
I checked the list but it had zero names to be specific
so I roller-blade off the curves from that round digit
catch some air and do a viking flip on to a viking ship
and rip out the very hearts that their vices grip
pour their blood in the holy grail and take a righteous sip
This is for my knights of the square table,
the losers from every fable
who weren't quite able to keep their minds stable
take myself for example
they say victory taste sweet but I was never given a sample
there're no shoes on my feet , no socks by my ankles
just suicide thoughts and ray of hopes entangled..
with memories of fictions thought to be fact
because life is nonfiction and my real life is wack
so I pretend to have a big dick as if I was black
I win the world series everyday at my last at bat
I'm rich because I found Davey boys locker
fantasize of being British just to like soccer
have Indians kill cowboys with ninja stars and katanas
I'm gonna do what I wanna
and there ain't shit anyone can tell me otherwise
because you will all disappear as soon as i close my eyes
shit you're all still here. what went wrong?
I am imagination. I can see what the eyes cannot see. I can hear what the ears cannot hear. I can feel what the heart cannot feel.
Peter Nivio Zarlenga
Sophie's Lonely Part I
8 yrs ago.
Me and Jonny were the best of friends. But your definition of best depends,
On the rest of what you compare it to, and yet again. I must confess,
That the way things started off, was great as it had just began,
But further down the road, you could see that in the end….
The wound he would lay upon me would never mend.
So at work in a small cubicle, Sophi, sits pushing the dead skin off of her cuticles
While reading every teen and talk magazine to be beautiful,
And While her Self esteem isnt anything close to how high steem gets,
She doesn’t even work sometimes she just dreams shit,
While thoughts pile up one after another while she thinks it.
Because she’s so afraid to open up and for that reason….
she doesn’t talk to anyone real, or with a beating heart,
her only friend can feel when she aint happy so he tends to be apart,
of every moment he can. like when she needs him and she don’t need to call,
because she exspresses her true feelings…and he gives her his full attention
….because she needs it all….
Like just the other day. In line while she was waiting to order coffe,
She didn’t know what to order, and the clerk could tell she doesn’t drink it often,
So he made a joke about how were in the thousands’’ and you don’t know the difference..?
Between a latte and a cappacino, "uh Hello, one has 3/ 4’s more milk in it"…..
So she stormed outta the shop, and dashed to her small apartment….
Covered herself in tears and sat in the fetal position in her closet….
Told her self, that’s why I don’t go out, and that’s why I don’t have friends.
And told J’ thanks for being their for me, you always know how to change….
My sad face to a Smile, seems you always brighten my day…
Your my only REAL FRIEND…..I don’t care what my mother has to say….
and Who is she judge what's real.............she’s the one being fake….
Cheating on my father.................and then lieing to his face
1 week later
Sohpie's back at the shop, orders a “ Iced Frap” and she was assertive..
But that's because she’s been practing a lot but inside she was nervous,
See J’ had been telling her to stand tall and appear perfect,
And she did!, until her drink had came and it was made wrong on purpose.
It was the same Kid from a week ago, and so there sohpia stood,
Realizing that it was Jonny. the Boy from her child hood…
So she waited outside the shop, praying With J’ to seek revenge,
For her whole life had be ruined and it would never come to an end.
And she cried and confessed her soul, all J’ could do was listen,
While every other tear was filled with hate and then forgiveness…
But she was so torn apart, that her mind was losing touch,
with every thing around her, forgetting who she was..
And in that split second, J’ made a decision, based on love…
Jonny walks out the shop, with a Latte in his hand,
And Sophie gets out the car…and confronts him where he stands..
She refreshes his memory about when they played as kids,
how she loved to play games together, and how he was her best freind
Until the nap she took that after noon, how could you do that to me?
I woke up in screams, and couldn’t believe it.
you were like a brother to me!
My mom thought I was lieing and my dad thought i was wrong,
and ive never been able to recorver from the amount of pain you casued.
So this is what you owe…I hope it's forever that you weep
Now my REAL FRIEND will give you plenty of time to be sorry while you sleep…
God's finger touched him, and he slept.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
DaD - some may claim repition in your mission for listin' the rhymes with ition but listen .. I liked it .. that 1st stanza was inventive with that vocab as it all made perfect sense and flowed well too .. the concept in relation to the quote is pretty straight forward but you made it an interesting read and I enjoyed how you set about the piece .. it had seriousness and humour which combined well to make for a well rounded read ..
RICO - this was pretty confusing .. I read it and then I had to back-track to see why it didn't make the most sense .. but I hadn't missed anything .. so I get that she's low on self esteem .. but that coffee business in the queue and ordering was pretty blah .. there was no real effort to convey what Johnny had done .. simply leaving it as a suggestion that he raped or molested or shamed in her some other fashion .. with the thing about God being her friend (as I understand it) really not meaning much as you didn't really delve into that side of things .. there was simply too much hinting at things and not enough basis for those hints .. instead concentrating on details of the story that either weren't important or confused the reader .. wasn't a fan .. sorry .. I do see what you tried to do but the execution was a fail for me ..
Vote = DaAlmightyDolla .. much more polished verse which kept a good level of interest with entertaining content .. his verse was rell rounded mechanically .. whilst RICO had holes in the delivery of his plotline and some awkward wording and grammatical errors .. it just wasn't good enough in this battle ..
DAD - this worked though i think the actual writing could have been raised a few notches, for the most part the sporadic rhythms and mainly one syllabic rhyming worked in favor of the topic which is why i say it worked but still could have been better, it set a certain tone that fit well with the narrator running off at the imagination though overall the rhythm was inconsistent not only with varying line lengths but syllabic patterns and the whole nine, besides the flow however it still was a pretty easy and straightforward read wherein you never really had to stop because of the lack of rhythm but it just would have been nice to have a tighter rhyming pattern, in the end i liked what you did here and i enjoyed some of the imagery and what not, a few typos made me retrace a line like in the opener and a few other places here and there but it never really disrupted the content or momentum of the story, with that said i think it was a decently written piece that worked well with the topic to make for a good/fun read
rico - off top i like the confidence that you seem to have coming into this match, the whole 'part one' solidifies that theory in assuming that you would introduce a part two in next week's matches, now on to the story... the first thing ive noticed thus far is the fact that you are using punctuation as if this were to be read as an actual story in which is a huge error on your behalf being that a rhythmic story should have a rhythmic pattern and incorrect/over usage of punctuation can hinder that drastically (causing pauses in reading when there shouldnt be one), not so drastic here or so far at least but it is noticeable, also you spelled Sophie wrong (the main character's name) which shows a lack of effort in your writing, you said 'steem' which is definitely a stretch to make it rhyme with the next line, its just not normal or tolerable to shorten esteem, you also said 'while' twice in the next line, okay.. im at the 'dont need to call line' and i honestly want to quit reading this, your flow is very off and this entire rhyming sequence is stretched to the point that its almost unbearable, i expected more from you rico.. 'were' should have been we're and the quotations are everywhere, the whole coffee scenario (which you also spelled wrong) was laughable, and the whole ........................... dots thing was unnecessary and i hope that you didnt do that just to make the lines longer and match with the rest of the verse, the flow was strongest in the '1 week later' stanza but still the entire coffee based plot is highly laughable and hardly worth the false emotions that you tried to portray here, so let me get this straight... johnny raped her and now ruins her life by giving her the wrong coffee and she doesn't notice its him and then BOOM it hits her that the guy that humiliates her and mocks her entire existence by giving her the wrong coffee everyday is actually the same guy that used to be her best friend until that night when he raped her while she was sleeping and now her new best friend J' was going to kill him? terrible plot with a not-so-good display of writing talents made for an unlikable verse, there really weren't too many positives to touch on, i really just didn't have a taste for this verse
vote - DAD, though he could/would have been easily beaten by man of the other verses that i've skimmed this week, he was clearly the better half here and just outclassed/outmatched his opponent with better writing abilities and a pretty good story that was fun to read and hit farily well on the imaginiation tip, rico lost this was big for me as i really didn't like anything about his verse, my entire vote goes to show how distracting it was from the actual plot and how ridiculous the plot was, i hope DAD steps it up in round 2
hmmm... well DAD.. I'm usually a big fan of your writing, u always bring the creative shit to the table, but i must say I wasnt as impressed with your drop in this match as others in the past... I really dont want to hate on your opening flow, but thats how peeps rhymed shit way back in the day thinking they was nice with it.. (the whole "ion" ending shit) but despite that fact you used that scheme to write fairly creative, u can only get so creative with words sounding the same in every line though... The concept wasnt too original, but you did a great job of writing to the topic you chose. overall I liked this piece, but it wasnt mind blowing, an considering u are speaking on imagination, I expected u to use yours a little more when writing the topical...but cool drop flow was solid too.
Riko: I actually think I like your verse more, but I cant tell whether its because dad's was more topical an yours was more story or if... well, yea I think thats the only reason I like yours more.. dont get me wrong, I like topicals, but they have to be speaking with meaning and not just on some random subject like imagination, unless it's done in a way that really opens it up... Your story had some creative aspects to it, and other aspects were pretty common.. for instance, the whole girl having an imaginary friend is nothing new, or the fact she was abused as a child an therefore keeps to herself an talks to fake friends, but the whole walking into the coffee shop an shit was fresh an I liked how u tried to take a common situation and change the setting of it to something differnt... the flow of the story was real nice in parts, I think dad edged you out on that though... the ending was nice an fit the topic good. but if her imaginary friend was god all along, why would it be considered fake? well I guess thats a no brainer, but whatever lol anyway cool drop dude, could be polished up some though..
Originality - 88
Creativity - 89
Story/content - 86
Word choice - 87
Flow - 91
Clarity - 92
Overall: (B) 88.8%
Originality - 85
Creativity - 86
Story/content - 89
Word choice - 88
Flow - 89
Clarity - 95
Overall: (B) 88.6%
Dad>Riko ....by a hair
Dolla - It's beens said, but i'll state it again, that whole ation rhyming was pretty brutal to read...at a point it got terribly redundant and you're still just working with a very basic rhyme scheme...beyond that I don't think this piece really said much or did much for me at all...
Rico - I'm assuming by J' as her friend you're talking about Jesus and not God...that much seemed clear cut to me, but the reason you lost this is you didn't focus on what was done to her and you put to much into little things that didn't add anything to the whole of your story...at the end of the read I was just left there thinking...err...arite...and well I feel that the piece also ended on a sour note.
I think dad definitely left the door open for Rico, but at the end of the day Rico's story had so many inconsistancies that I have to give my vote to DaD even though he did some things which really bothered me mechanically.
vote = DaD.
dolla - i've always been a fan of your writing as i've said before. and while this wasn't the best piece you have written, it is by far not your worst. i over all enjoyed this verse, and didn't personally mind the 'tion' rhyming as much as other people seem to have. i feel like you didn't put your all in this week but definitely did enough to get by. i especially liked the tie in with the topic and felt that that was creative enough to pull it.
rico - my battling buddy. for the first 8 bars, i was actually pretty impressed with your writing. but then it all suddenly became a bit muddled and confusing. and some of the wording just seemed a bit poor such as 'And While her Self esteem isnt anything close to how high steem gets,'. i know, in theory, it does work. it just seemed a bit poorly worded. the story then all got a bit muddled to me. but over all it wasn't that bad a verse. props.
vote - DaAlmightyDolla.
Sorry, not much time so this vote is going to be kind of short...
But, yea DAD took this one, but to tell you the truth i wasn't really feeling either piece all that much. DAD, i liked the concept and the content of the piece, but the writing was anything but topnotch. this piece could have easily been beaten by most of the other pieces written this week, however Rico did not capitalize. Rico i thought you wrote a rather rambling piece that lacked focus and closure and really the writing wasn't all that superb either.
nice grasp of the top flowed pretty smooth.....the first part was a little too much for me though....that choice of rhyme is a little played but it still worked for ya....overall this was good, not your best by far but still good
this was actually not that bad, i honestly thought dad would take this hands down, but it was closer than i thought, the beginning was almost flawless but it did die down gradually, just to be honest i got a little bored, the mechanics could've been better it just seemed like you were rushed, some lines were just very poorly worded, but this was decent nonetheless
overall...i'm going with DAD although not a blow out i just liked his piece better, not much more to say here that hasn't already been said
dad advances, 7-0
dad posts all links
rico fails to post links
dad still advances 7-(-4)
Separate names with a comma.