[RD 1] 5. Eye-Rime v. 12. TheReturn (VOTE NOW!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Jun 3, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2001
    Messages:
    25,850
    test
  2. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Messages:
    6,893
    Check PM's on Eye-Rime yo. Figured you would have earlier. Vote on 5 these days, correct?

    EDIT: And no extensions either, I don't want you to come in complaining about your Saturday classes that you're studying for or some shit.
    test
  3. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2007
    Messages:
    659
    test
  4. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Messages:
    6,893
    .

    "A Walk to Remember"



    That fateful day, when angels came to take me away,
    Walking to class at two, I was blasting my tunes
    And never saw that gray truck racing my way.
    Went to cross the street, and across from me
    I looked up to see that gray truck braking too late...


    They say life flashes in an instant, and it must be true,
    Cause my eyesight switched to a rustic view
    Full of grays and browns with a touch of blue.
    It was a new feeling, of course,
    Surreal in its force,
    When suddenly I was in a room with doctors, kneeled in remorse,
    As they panicked over a baby being choked by its umbilical cord.
    In a rush they cut it, pulled and got me out,
    Before recessitating me with a miniature version of mouth to mouth.
    Ever since then, I've had my bouts with doubt,
    But I've been a survivor since day one, I'd just found it out.
    Eighth birthday, Pops had built me a fort in the trees
    Well, more like a room, but that's all that was important to me,
    Until a loose board broke in half
    The ground broke my fall, and I broke a bone in my knee.
    I stood there and watched myself screaming in pain
    As Mom rushed from the kitchen yelling Jesus's name,
    Dad took me to the hospital,
    And the current version of me ended up freezing in rain,
    On the side of the highway, by a bridge bleeding with ice
    When I noticed our old Blazer speeding at me in the heat of the night.
    I watched the tires slide,
    Flip twice and slide over a mile on the ceiling to a sweeping ravine.
    I watched the jaws of life go to work on the car,
    Heard the anguish, could almost feel the hurt from afar
    Pulled through shattered glass,
    I picked up strings of prayer laced in the words in the dark.
    Ten years later, wasted from a beer pong streak of wins
    And innocent conversations from a meet and greet with friends
    Until the guns filled the room,
    Hinting at my instincts that I'd reached the end.
    My life was never all it could've been, I never asked for shit,
    Made a humble living with the friends I made from my sarcastic wit.
    But I wasn't shot, sure I talked some shit
    But my head survived the force of the automatic's whip.
    And now I stand, baffled over events that occured
    The Deaths I'd weasled out of ever since I was birthed
    That's when the epiphany hit
    And I felt God had a plan for my stint on this Earth.


    Until that fateful day, when angels came to take me away,
    Walking to class at two, I was blasting my tunes
    And never saw that gray truck racing my way.
    Went to cross the street, and across from me
    I looked up to see that gray truck braking too late...

    Again.


    And I'm wondering,
    In this Cycle of Life, this vortex of force and Time,
    What if we're doomed to LIVING in the lifetime
    That flashes right before our eyes?


    Over and over,


    Forever...




    .
    test
  5. Eye-Rime

    Eye-Rime the intellectual.

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2007
    Messages:
    659

    "At The Fire"
    Manhattan, New York
    Early 1900's




    …Shh!
    Their music was vibrant,
    The sound of love; a most beautiful silence
    Viewing a painting of peaceful souls freed from dutiful tyrants
    I calmly listened to the whispers of their burgundy lips
    Slowly stepping over the children that were burned in the mist
    Nervous; adrift; surrounded by a usual quiet
    So brutal and violent,
    Poor children mixed with indisputable violets
    Along with a distinctive array of red; I would pray for the dead



    Only eight when I started working, though positions were bleak
    Sweating and slaving to make a dollar and fifty cents for the week
    Illegal of course; but to no surprise, we were seen as a force
    A group of German immigrant women paid not even a fourth
    Teeny and short; for us to reach, we'd climbed atop of the crates
    All poor with the common factor that our sockets would ache
    Docking our pay if we didn't scurry when Inspectors would come
    While black fumes from dirty machines were infecting our lungs
    A few doors… with fewer windows; walls grungy and greasy
    Locked inside of bedraggled rooms and learning nothing was easy
    Someone asked me how I survived and I rejoiced in the path
    Of coming to the conclusion of "What choice did I have?"



    Scattered in sections, as smoke choked in a matter of seconds
    Watching Big Bosses evacuating as it staggered us peasants
    And there we stood, scared stiff on the ninth of a ten story
    All knowing our time had come on this night to defend glory
    We watched it bubble on machines as fire gushed on the scene
    Wondering why we hadn't thought to ever buck the regime
    They lusted for green, while the most luscious of dreams were
    Now painted in cherry smears and constant flushing of screams
    Violently crying; frozen in fear while tears dripped to my breast
    A flow so strong, I almost thought that I was hit in the chest
    So I cried… with deafened ears as it slaughtered us rampantly
    Since the shop didn't even have enough water to dampen me
    Now I’m running and panicking, searching for types of escape
    With little luck and lesser hope, thinking I’d die in this place
    Only two exits from the shop and one was covered in smoke
    So we ran to the other door where fire smothered our hopes
    It cluttered our throats, our heels crushing the faces of dead
    Their limp bodies littered the floor, along with traces of red
    Then, smoke swallows my vision and I slide in a ruby river
    Palms land in chunks of flesh and my body exudes a shiver
    Doom delivered by massive heated ribbons of orange hues
    Ironically, the bosses left… only leaving the foreign crews
    I watched girls that broke windows open with bare hands
    Crossing hearts with bloody fists to show hope for a fair chance
    Looking out, I tried to muster up the courage to do it
    Streets beneath filled with limbs and different surgery units
    Too nervous and prudent; I quickly ripped my skirt by the thread
    And tightly wrapped it over my hair to keep from burning my head
    I left all of me at that fire, because I needed a clean sweep
    Fleeing out of the blazing door that was leading to Greene Street
    Then I watched as the frame collapsed, and I was lucky to leave
    Silently praying for the others that were stuck in the heap
    I slightly turned, and a man lifted my face as to wipe the burns
    Saying, “Sorry, I just thought you were maybe my wife, Laverne”
    And through the smoke, it’s impossible to discover your kin
    But I hope he found her, because I never saw my husband again




    The streets stood still in a moment of silence
    All paying our deepest respects to the song of their eye-lids
    Such a peaceful melody that harmonized with the clouds
    A deep and discerning love that was quiet, but loud
    And though some were still landing and were breaking in angles
    We listened for their sweet routines as they sang with the angels
    Through the frantic misery and bodies hugging the pavement
    I swear that we heard their song of a love that was sacred

    They were free!




    [​IMG]


    Based on factual events that took place on March 25, 1911

    One hundred and forty-one died at the scene of the fire along
    with seven that died later in the hospital. The bosses that fled
    to the rooftop and utterly failed to warn the ninth floor of the
    fire were acquitted of all charges, but later lost in a civil case
    and were forced to pay $75 dollars for each accounted death.
    Only $75 dollars for the price of a life - now that's ridiculous.


    The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.
    Henry David Thoreau


    - The End -
    test
  6. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    good lordy .. this is a damn hard battle to select a winner ..

    TR - I enjoyed this piece .. it came alive for me and I liked the flashback thing you did .. described all the scenarios well enough for me to picture it all .. and the transitions were smooth too .. I do feel this didn't flow as well as you usually write but then it didn't really get thrown anywhere in particular (although "braking too late" to me should have been "brake too late") .. minor but eh .. overall the piece was easy to read and follow and it was a good read .. it did lack a bit of spark I like about your work but I wouldn't call it sub-standard at the same time .. just maybe not quite fitting with the confidence you showed in the sticky threads ..

    Q - this is a good example of how real world events can be taken to create a story that is engaging and interesting .. as well as enlightening .. you could have tackled it as a topical based around the segment you slapped on the end via a topical route .. it would have made for a good read I think but how you just put a non-rhyming statement on the end of the story was a bit a negative .. because of the non-rhyming aspect though .. because the message was great and had an impact on me .. $75? .. wow! .. a pair of jeans can costs more than that now .. the piece didn't have your usual overpowering multi rhyming and didn't really flow as smooth because of that .. but for me that was a sacrifice worth making since the content was a real strong point .. a well told story that had depth and some good imagery work ..

    Vote = Eye-Rime .. very very close call .. I really did like both verses pretty much equally .. Return was stronger in some mechanical areas maybe but nothing outshining his opponent .. both had entertaining content and it's only by a tiny margin but I took more away from Q's piece .. a hot favourite for battle of the week and this is going to be a tough vote for anyone that enters .. so so close .. but Q takes it for me ..
    test
  7. Avirex

    Avirex New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 1999
    Messages:
    1,326
    dam..pretty nice match here

    TR.. so, obviously the story is somewhat true, using the thinking process of the aftermath of being pistol whipped or whatever at the party u had in real life..I couldnt tell if the whole car flipping over thing was something you saw at a younger age or if those parts were made up...The story seems to conclude with you losing your life in a random accident, after dodging so many bullets in the past, one finally gets you... It was a pretty solid reflection piece on the crazy aspects to life an how we should feel about life, and whether or not it ends abruptly from the flash of a second... flow was not as top notch as I've seen you come, but i think it was due to u switching up the flow scheme, which I actually like more.. shows the range of talent u have for words. Solid Drop

    Q you really impressed me this week, I usually have a big problem with your flow scheme cuz the words you choose to rhyme always seems to sacrifice the content of your story, but I found very few lines in this piece that bothered me.. Now the story itself was creative, in the sense you are probably the only dude in centuries to speak on this story that happened so long ago.. I personally wasnt aware of it happening, dont know how important it was, but it was still interesting to know of what happened and the fact the shit that happened was so unjust, that digging it back up for the future to see, in a way, brings justice to the people who got fucked over from the situation. I can tell u stepped ya game up this week.. Solid drop homes

    TR:
    Originality - 88 the concept isnt new but the story is your own life so...
    Creativity - 87 considering the story was more real than creative
    Story/content - 92
    Word choice - 91
    Flow - 94
    Clarity - 93
    Overall: (A-) 90.8%

    Q:
    Originality - 87 the story already happened
    Creativity - 89
    Story/content - 94 appreciate u paying homage to the past
    Word choice - 89
    Flow - 94
    Clarity - 93
    Overall: (A-) 91%
    test
  8. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Messages:
    6,893
    test
  9. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    TR - I think this was a good verse, but it lacked that something...it just felt like the philosophical point at the end was an after thought and the piece that was built up before it was just one of those..."something something something" about my life that leads me to random epiphany...it just didn't connect, though it read buttery smooth and I thought some of the lines were clever, like the touch of blue line, that was worded really clever.

    Q - I liked this piece and I didn't at the same time...what started to nag me as I was reading it was the structure actually...it seemed so rigid in this almost big rectangle of text...it was almost like reading a barrage of information without any change of pace or switch in flow...it makes for a truly monotone read like that, but your flow was still there and I think the story was one that provided me with something fresher than what I read from TR...this is a topic that hasn't really been touched on much in the past few years so I'll give you that.

    vote = Q for a more original and more entertaining piece.
    test
  10. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2007
    Messages:
    549
    tr

    very nice unorthodox approach to flow, but still fluid as hell.. i used to alot of this with structural callbacks and all sorts of techniques to make the flow more interesting.. very good narrator's voice here, this piece was easy to digest and get into


    q

    intruiging and captivating writing right here, i've really got nothing negative to say about this for what it was (of course, if i'd factor in preference, which i do, then it would another matter), mechanics were polished and it was a breeze to read this.. great drop

    tr's piece got through to me immediately where as q's required me to go back and read it again.. while both had superb mechanics i feel Tr was just a slight bit more creative and experimental

    that's the hair seperating these pieces as i see so i will have to give the nod to tr in what was probably match of the week

    vote: TheReturn
    test
  11. DaAlmightyDolla

    DaAlmightyDolla Greatness

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2005
    Messages:
    24,914
    hmmmmmm

    tr- i read ur verse twice cuz ur flow was hard 2 get but once i got it, ur verse was a joy 2 read. im feeling the whole meant to be, cant escape death thing. each close call was fucked up. i felt 4 the guy cuz he couldnt catch a break. this fealt somewat different from u though. i guess it was the flow since most ur pieces roll right off the tongue. over all though 7.5/10

    q
    this really didnt feel like a normal q verse. no crazy multis but it fealt like a chore to read at first. its not until later that it picked up quite nicely and i felt like i have to finish this. its even more powerful that it wasa true story. that was just icing on the cake. it fit the topic very well. some may not like the fact that u didnt rhyme the highlighted part but fuck it. im finally impressed. 8/10

    vote - q

    good battle
    test
  12. Infinite Truth

    Infinite Truth ...scatterboxx rocks.

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2000
    Messages:
    7,962
    shit.

    good reads.

    i thought tr would def take it.
    but.

    tr... good verse. poetic; linguistics shined for the most part, but i didn't think they were as strong as q's. rhyme scheme was dope, but once again, not as dope as q. story was gripping. more entertaining than q's. flow was solid for the most part; but it stretched at times. very good verse nonetheless.

    q... dope. imagery, linguistics, & poetics were all veryyy nice. that's what took it for you. not as entertaining or original [content-wise] as tr's verse, but still strong. it was interesting, intelligent, & graceful, but not necessarily gripping story-wise. but overall, the read was great. your flow & rhyme scheme created some nice mechanical structure too.

    v- q.
    test
  13. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    pretty nice battle

    TR- i liked it. it was written pretty well. flow and rhyme were pretty good for the most part. a little stretched at times, but nothing too major. i liked the story. the content was definitely the strong point in your verse. a gripping story that was well-told and ekpt me interested the whole read. good job

    Q- mechanics were pretty nice. rhyme and flow weren't as good as they've been in the past for you, but i still thought they were at least as good if not slightly better than TR's. i was digging the imagery. Also, the content was pretty good. however, i think your story started out a little slow. it took a bit for me to get into your piece, when i did i liked it a lot, but TR's piece held my interest from start to finish, so he gets my vote.

    Vote= TR
    test
  14. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2001
    Messages:
    25,850
    eye-rime advances, 5-2
    eye-rime posts all links
    thereturn fails to post 1 link
    eye-rime still advances 5-1
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)