[RD 1] 4. Cereal_Killer v. 13. Pent uP (VOTE NOW!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Jun 3, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    test
  2. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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    howdy champioooon hella nice match last week..

    im thinkin of steppen it up this week heheh so g/l :0)
    test
  3. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    no extensions homies

    im not nice in playoff mode

    my verse is done btw

    and Q/Luci/Jook -- for the rest of playoffs i dont allow any form of extensions, let it be known

    VOTES:
    Rico vs. DAD: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1100352
    Nom vs. IT: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1100345
    Nah Son vs. Baron: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1100346
    Eye-Rime vs. TheReturn: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1100351
    Lucifa vs. GotLife: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1100347
    test
  4. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    A restricted Crystal meth addiction, in the best of intension's
    Mixes a vision so solemnly worn…
    A fetus that breaches its sentence is born
    through seizers with demons unsure of the creatures before
    It morphs in the madness that contorts through the havoc
    Of a fire that's thrust when we clutch on to baggage
    To manage with a beat of detachment it weeps
    As it suckles a teat of entrapment to sleep
    So from the heated carnage that creeps
    Soundly around its basket of dreams
    It reaches a belief of the smartest degree
    Insomnia
    will set it free…

    ..

    TWEAKED

    [​IMG]

    …Insomnia

    I scramble though cupboards of fallen memories
    Stalling the short straw.. drawn to release
    I clutch to the trust in this appalling remedy
    Sure from my past.. I've at last mourned all I need
    I clasp to a family portrait within a broke frame
    I choke on the thought... what could have been changed
    I lay my head upon a pillow of sorrow
    Unsure of forgiveness.. will I tomorrow​


    I fall asleep…

    My father paces the floor.. nails gnawed to the tip
    Exploring the boundaries of a revelational shift
    I watch as a witness to this come down of fits
    Nothing could hit more profoundly then this
    "You're a mistake..." as he waves his fist.. wielding a blade
    The feeling of pain was the only way he could deal with the change
    He stammers and stumbles as he viciously mumbles
    Leaving my homely heart to splinter and crumble


    Maple wood timber trimmed and smooth
    I jimmy the last piece in my finished room
    I sit back and review my concept now born
    And yes true to from.. I try and accept the warmth
    Enjoying the moment at what beauty can make
    I bathe in fulfillment.. though not fully saved
    A soft smile graces my face then stutters and rots
    So I laugh at my past to cover it up​


    A violent scene of a frightened fiend
    My mother.. I hug her through this violet dream
    Bruised and beaten from all that I am seeing
    Her arms show marks of a fallen human being
    Still breathing in the dark... my dad goes for his kit
    Puts another scar above her wrist.. careful not to slip
    She eases into a coma with the strap still in dad's hand
    I sit back and pray whilst she lay there pregnant



    Today only fear remains I thought it was finished
    So I pack my bags and head to the methadone clinic
    No longer alone I can share what truths I have
    Like a support beam for a team who's roof's collapsed
    I talk to strangers with depression and pent up stress
    People in danger of regression from relentless mess
    I know what pain is and I can see they're hurt
    Scarred across my heart maybe nothing will work​


    My brother screams through the night.. I hold him with honour
    Dad left and my mother just lies high by the corner
    My brother's still crying whilst I'm lost within myself
    Trapped beneath a rock I need to find help
    I think of what I've seen when mom is restless
    I take hold of his arm and inject him with meth
    6 days straight we lay their un-found
    My tears dried up and his lifeless body on the ground


    ..

    TOPIC
    The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.
    Henry David Thoreau


    …REVELATION…
    I ride the white horse into Never-Never Land
    Knowing that only the past
    …can measure a man…
    I will stay awake and eventually forget
    all that subsides in the back of my head
    test
  5. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
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    The Super Power Chronicles:
    Mr. Telephone Man

    [​IMG]




    As children, some of us develop imaginary friends
    And some of us don't let go until our lifespans very end
    A sad and scary thread that holds our concious together
    Where if we listen to much we come off as thoughtless or clever
    Opposite sides of a psyche that might seem drastic,
    Yet
    They potentially both point to psychiatric help

    Which brings me to the subway train that I'm on
    Explaining my wrongs to graffiti sprays on white walls
    While lights flicker and I stare at bums requesting tips
    clenching my nose closed to the stench of unattended piss
    Glaring at a honeys legs, then hips, then her stunning, gentle lips
    As they scrunch together with bubble gum descending quick...
    It inflates and i think I'm certain that shroud might pop
    The flickering stops for a second and our eyes lock
    She approaches, hips swaying like a pendulum
    A mindless sentance runs around while I bend my thumbs.
    As she arrives, smiling and fiddling her blouse
    with the question "Gum?" slipping out her mouth...
    I think You could smell my breath from over there?
    But say "Sure...." to gain some closure wear
    She looks at me weirdly while handing me a stick
    When, candidly, I rip a fart and start stammering some shit
    While managing to think god, I hope she doesn't smell that
    But her face wrinkled up as I paused and fell back
    A dozen pests laughed, and it felt like a taunt to me
    While Her demeanor of seduction was dieing constantly
    So I started dropping random jokes that I didn't really think through
    while wondering what breakfast she'd be into
    The train stopped, she scoffed and said "Nice try you FREAK"
    I thought I should've stuck with the wise guy technique
    She got out and looked either scared, or just cautious
    but I was prepared to get off this train and head to my therapists office
    ......getting off I thought of what I would of done to that girl
    And I felt like Pac with all eyez on me in a blundering world

    My thoughts continued until I got to his door
    I knocked, and of course, wondered which problems I'd horde
    This being our first session I wanted to remain locked up and sore
    But when he opened up I was shocked to the core
    Because his assistant was the honey from the train
    And he already had my diagnosis, he cunningly explained.
    bastard probly knows how much money he will gain
    With my bill more than likely sitting on the window pane

    Reassuringly The therapist smiled, "No, that would be too rude of me"
    I sat down confused, unknown what I could truly percieve
    My stomach turned a hundred germs as my hands would shake
    and all the doc said was "start thinking of a random phrase
    and repeat it in your head until you stand amazed"
    half constrained, half confused; I glanced his way....
    He had to be fucking with me so I switched the common thought
    I wish your assistant would let me stick my dick in her cunt you FOB
    I repeated until he stopped his recorder in a sudden pause
    Played it back to reveal I had no inner monologue

    All my dastardly deeds dawned alight faster than speed
    All those girls' who's guts I managed to beat
    Church ceremonies when I thought the pastor was weak
    Speaking 2 thoughts at once, like when I'd brandish my glee
    But felt outlandishly creeped or even stranded with peeps
    And it sucks knowing no one said a DAMN in the least
    Because all my imaginery friends were really laughing at me
    Now I'm struggeling to conform to a normal pattern of speech​
    test
  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    CK - fuck bro...that's one of my favorites from you to date...I think the structure of the piece made it very interesting in the way it played and transcended...the flow in that first stanza was brilliant and it stayed smooth throughout. I love the imagery and the progression that this piece took. Really smart and sharp piece of writing here.

    Pent - I had trouble following the ending of this...like you lost me in the last stanza though the whole schitzo /w a psychiatrist thing has been long done and done much better by Chino XL...I unno this piece just missed the mark for me and really didn't reel me in.

    vote = CK for a much more polished piece with a much better relatability factor.
    test
  7. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    Mod Talk : I haven't read verses yet .. and this is one battle I would have ruled GL? 'could not' vote on .. Pent uP has a say on whether this counts or not .. however .. that will be further down the line when an average vote can be seen as to whether this vote is malice/dickriding or not .. and I don't want no bullshit drama from you Eugene .. you shouldn't be in .. but I'm allowing it .. technically stepping on Qs toes as he made the ban call .. I won't be taking any crap though .. I can just as easily take you back out again ..
    test
  8. Avirex

    Avirex New Member

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    Messages:
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    CK - very tight piece you dropped my man... flow was butta... I had to take my time with this verse because it was written in a way that made u have to think about the process occuring between dream/reality... I would say the clarity isnt the best in some parts, like here is how I understood it, your a son, watching your mother have a baby that your dad doesnt want, and he ends up cutting the wrist of the mother? then she dies, but before she does the baby comes out, your brother, and witnessing all the crazy shit that just happened you decide to inject the baby and kill it? and you did it because you were on meth... and these are thoughts u have in your dreams of a reality that once happened... ok im pretty sure i get it, but I had to read it a few times, not sure others will... other than some wording that could have helped make the story more clear, I think this was a hot drop.. nice work

    Pent up.. This was really creative to say the least... a very differnt style than ck came with, one where the encounters taking place between people, or should i say fake people, is more engaging in terms of what they are thinking, making me feel more connected to whats going on... flow was cool, about even with ck in that...There was some wording issues for me, but nothing that took away from what you were trying to get across in the story... the randomness of the thoughts/convo being portrayed really helped the imaginary characters have life..the fart stuff was kinda cheesy, im sure u could of had better discussion.....also considering the climax is his inner thoughts being released in therapy, I would have liked more detailed descriptions like what exactly was weak about the pastor, why fucking girls was bad...like none of the thoughts were really that bad, and so I dont get why the imaginery people would laugh or even have him freaking out...when it seems like everyone, including the doc he is going to see if made up in his head.. like it was all a dream... thats kinda how I got the piece... anyway a tight drop my dude.

    CK
    Originality - 91
    Creativity - 93
    Story/content 90
    Flow - 91
    Clairty - 90
    Overall: (A-) 91%

    Pent up
    Originality - 92
    Creativity - 94
    Story/content 89
    Flow - 90
    Clairty - 89
    Overall: (A-) 90.8%

    close match could go either way
    91>90.8 = CK
    test
  9. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

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    CK

    you conveyed this dream-like (nightmarish) surreal atmosphere very well through careful and effective wording... this piece was very captivating with a display of mechanics with some experimental flair to i (it was swing and miss sometimes though)... got this weird feeling of déjà vu that i have read this before..

    mr. P to the P

    there were quite a few language issues with this piece, not necessarily grammatical errors but rather compressed and altered prounounciation (which i hate goddammit) the pace was frantic and the development fast but smooth (that's perhaps you're biggest strength as a writer - the natural transitions and the ability to keep a piece going like that) i thought this was high-larious

    vote: Pent uP

    it might be that i'm in a good mood and his piece just resonated with that vibe more

    dope match up you two
    test
  10. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    good battle guys ..

    CK - I must say I do quite like your verses when you fuck with this structure like that .. it worked really well here though as it shifted between actions and thoughts .. however I feel like the content got a little confusing in the swtich between talk of insomnia to the talk of methadone .. and the reasoning behind injecting his brother didn't come across so well .. it's being critical in the feedback considering I have to make a vote at the end .. but that was a negative for me .. not a major neg in terms of how much I liked the piece and I really did enjoy reading it .. more thought wouldn't have gone a miss but it still made for a pretty solid drop ..

    Pent - I enjoyed that musical piece the other week and then you kinda went a little down hill .. but this def bought you back up .. the story was straight and I liked the flip on the imaginary friends deal .. not original as such .. but exectued pretty well .. the mechanics weren't very advanced but hardly newbish or weak .. it was a well told story for my money and one that I think will take you forward in this tourney ..

    Vote = Pent uP .. I definitely see reason to prefer C_K's verse (although GL? is a grey area) as I think it's one of the best verses I've read from him .. however .. both were stories and I enjoyed Pents story and delivery of that story more .. C_K has something with structure method but for me the content just lacked sharpness here compared to Pent .. so Pent gets my vote .. good battle though ..
    test
  11. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    ck - though i began reading this several times and put off voting because i couldn't make it to the end of your verse, this time around i really found a genuine appreciation for your writing, overall i enjoyed this piece thoroughly in the content and approach at which you presented that content, creative although as usual the underlying concept has been used numerous times but most have and here i think the structure and actual presentation of the plot and selective information given to the reader made for more than a creative take and really added to the impact, there were flaws however that lessoned this impact at the same time such as the flow which started off nice then fell off then picked back up in at the methadone clinic excerpt and then slightly fell off again which made for an inconsistent rhythm in my mind, some of the words were stretching for a rhyme with 3 in particular being 'dad's hand/pregnant', 'mom is restless/with meth', and the closer, all minor in comparison to the overall content but all of threw me off long enough to disrupt my reading with a few other minor instances here and there, but overall i dug this and possibly one of the better pieces that i've read from you, good drop

    pent - off jump there are a lot of syllabic issues that i think would have really tightened the flow and made for a smoother read, as is i continue to stop and reread a line while filling in the blanks in my head of syllables or words left out that would have made for a better flow, also at least two lines have already required the slower reading of one line to rhyme with the other which really disrupts the rhythm of a textually based verse that is read rather than heard over a beat, it means that i have to constantly backtrack and make lines fit together textually even though they may audibly fit, also i guess i'm out of the loop but the FOB line lost me as the only FOB that i know of is free on board shipping, regardless the ending didn't work for me here as it kind of threw off the story imo, i mean i get what you were going for at least i think i do but it in the fashion in which it came or in which the character realized that the people were not real (???) or something of that nature just seemed out of place to me and very abrupt, overall i just don't think this was strung together well as a whole, a valiant effort and a somewhat good/creative plot but the execution slightly failed for me, like the entire train scene and 'ripping a fart' never really added up or proved its significance and either this needed a more concise and thorough beginning to accompany the ending or a different ending to accompany such a beginning, but either could/should have been tweaked for effectiveness

    vote - ck, for the most thorough of the two stories
    test
  12. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
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    CK - This piece actually really impressed me as I'm an insomniac too, and the line about going through the cupboard of memories really stood out to me. The inners used were done well, the piece kept me interested and I liked how you used the flashbacks as well, although I hate them being divided and aligned like that. Nice piece.

    Pent - I don't know. I wasn't really into this much. I liked your last superhero piece about invisibility, but this one didn't really do it for me. It was written well, and flowed nicely, but the content just didn't live up to what CK gave to me this week. I've seen you bring alot more to the table.

    Vote = CK
    test
  13. DaAlmightyDolla

    DaAlmightyDolla Greatness

    Joined:
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    ck

    this fucked my head up the first couple of times i read it. im trying 2 piece 2gether all the random thoughts. it had a lil of everything from drugs to murder. its complexed to say the lease. the mechanics is there just the entertainment isnt. i could relate to some parts of it though. i give u props 4 challenging me 7.5- 8/10

    pent

    ur verse is the opposite. it had lil areas in which i didnt like. the stanza where u see the assistant at his office could have been done better. if the therapist turned out 2 be the chick it would have been more entertaining but that would have been predictable in itself. it felt so corny that i couldnt help but laugh cuz the vocab u used felt like the everyday man. the genuine feel of it like this could actually happen( especially the train scene) is wat got to me and made me enjoy it. overall 7.5/10

    tough call here

    even though overall cks verse just seemed better ill go with the verse i would rather enjoy reading again

    v- pent
    test
  14. Infinite Truth

    Infinite Truth ...scatterboxx rocks.

    Joined:
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    shit.

    very different writing styles.

    i think ck absolutely killed it.

    ck... verrrrry poetic. some nice rhymes. nothing was forced. liked the pent up reference. used it well. linguistics were amazing & the imagery just as great. read smoothly & flowed well. overall the mechanics were brilliant.

    pent... great verse. flow was smooth. even more so than ck's. rhyme scheme was aiight. a bit more complex rhyme scheme. overall smoother mechanics. but i just couldn't get as into your verse as i could ck's. yours was above average, yes, but slipped at times, whereas ck's remaining consistently excellent.

    therefore,
    vote- ck.
    test
  15. vada

    vada New Member

    Joined:
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    CK...

    is it just me or was it ironic that you actually used PENT UP's name within your verse, i'm prolly looking too deep...lol...any way verse started good....vocab was good but the rhyme scheme was all over the place for me...some parts were flawless some couplets didn''t even rhyme though, as for storyline...it was bland to me...cliched...the ending was way too predictable...but the way you wrote it was great, like i said flawless in some areas some lines could've been reworded though and atleast rhymed, nice job though

    Pent...

    i liked this you know why i really expected some cliched ending like you had aids or something the imaginary freinds caught me off guard, normally i'd catch that but i am a little tipsy right now, anyway the verse was hot, i liked it beginning to end i think there were like 2 or 3 lines that the rhyme wa soff a litlle but your mechanics were good nice rhyme scheme flow, etc...just an overall good verse


    overall....vote PENT UP...just a better verse IMO
    test
  16. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    ck advances, 5-4
    got life?'s vote is disqualified
    match ends in tie, 4-4
    pent posts all links
    ck fails to post any links
    pent advances, 4-0
    test
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