Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Jun 3, 2008.
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VOTES DUE MONDAY @ 11:59 PM EST
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Jack busied himself at the base of the bed;
And barely uttered a sound as he scuttled around...
...He even furrowed his brow,
As he observed Sarah’s haughty hands unbutton her blouse.
His gleaming eyes appeared to widen,
And the pace quickened to his panting breath;
As her facile fingers foraged,
And slid between her ample breasts.
This was it! he thought with a gulp,
Feeling his stout stomach bubbling over...
...As the soft satin sailed down her arms with a simple shrug of her shoulders.
Jack averted his eyes briefly,
His diffident pupils darting toward the open doorway...
...Excitement roused inside him now,
He had waited for this moment all day!
As he hankered her to help him slake this consequential thirst;
Eyeing her modest frame earnestly,
As Sarah unzipped the rear of her petite pencil skirt.
She removed the supporting slide from her hair with resplendent grace;
Before glancing over at Jack,
And letting her carefully cut curls tumble and descend her face.
He followed the slender waist his wanton eyes scaled intently;
Watching her unhook her brassiere,
With an expertise most males would envy.
But Jack refused to flinch or even move an inch,
As Sarah promptly discarded more;
And left her undergarments sprawled right across the hardwood floor.
She slinked into a new nylon nightgown,
And Jack’s jovial face was ecstatic;
As he was beckoned by her forefinger,
And he padded across her bedroom to the warm embrace of his basket...
TOPIC: Son of a Bitch
The Living Sacrifice
Written by: nah son
June 6th, 2008.
His skin is like rigormortis, his hair - lice filled
Jungle rotted feet chipping away, bare in the rice field
Slaving to the sound of fireflies illuminating with an emergin' buzz
He drinks up! Unpasteurized cow milk and 2 table spoons of virgin blood
A slave to social classism, his life is rather shackled
He stands up, begging to the Gods in front of the tabernacle
The son of a prostitute and a fatherless bastard, sealed his dreams
This is what happens when you're born a Muslim in the Southern Philippines
So he works for barter, to charter his needs
But the harder he works, the harder he bleeds
Odd jobs, for around zip, he'd even mound shit
Or beg to polish shoes in the middle of his township
-Until fate found him-
A U.S. navy recruiter, who was trained on deceit
But little Ryan couldn't even tell you the day of the week
All he knew is his tummy rumbled to volcanic measures
And the recruiter promised to land him pleasure
"Become a U.S. citizen after only four years of service
3 meals a day, good pay, and your life will feel a purpose
Travel the world, and live in the most sensational way"
-Now you can see how this appealed to a generational slave.-
His stomach swarmed with butterflies, his skin - goose bumped and hived
The naval dream was his vessel of hope, and he jumped inside
He signed his soul over as government property
This was the supreme sacrifice, the ultimate offering
Boot camp was rigorous, but less than his life before
Which had him prepared for anything he might endure
He graduated top of his class, landed on a submarine
A bit claustrophobic, but he loved to dream
That one day he would be prosperous and a citizen
With a family and home on lake Michigan
At night he'd count the stars and trace them with his eyes
Who'd knew that he'd soon be facing his demise
You see, his ship was deployed to the Gulf War
And Ryan would soon lose - all that he fought for
While off the coast, his sub was punctured
They were losing air, and all their functions
The alarms buzzed as the fireflies once filled the drums of his ears
"We're all going to die!", some of them feared
Ryan found himself debating in his mind
If he'd stayed back home, nothing would have changed in his life
So he had no regrets, he stood strong with pride
While the rest of the crew read psalms and cried
He truly understood,
The gamble of life as he was slowly running out of time
...All his hopes were washed away, as he drowned alive...
When you listen closely to the waves you can still hear his dreams
3 months later,
His citizenship papers were delivered to his mom in the Philippines
See, what we must learn from this whether we're a slave or rich
Is "the price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it."
- Henry David Thoreau
Baron - This was a well written, good vocabulary using, nicely flowing story about something that is incredibly easy to write about and that we've all read over and over. Mechanics, top notch as usual, same with flow, and the twist at the end is the somewhat saving grace as I was wondering how you were going to wrap it up in such a short piece.
nah son - Heartfelt, emotional story that was also well written, flowed good, and kept me interested throughout. Seemed like it could easily be a true story, which is always good, detail was nice, and the tie to the topic was solid to say the least.
Vote = nah son. Kept me interested throughout, as opposed to Baron's where I was worried more about getting to the end to see what twist he would unveil, which although it was good, didn't feel like it lived up to nahsy's piece as a whole. Mechanics and flow were about even for me, but I'm giving it to nahsy for the superior content.
baron - okay, this was good for the most part but i dont think it was worthy not only for this tournament but to be pitted against the champion of last season's tournament, this would have made for a solid read anywhere outside of this league or against a formidable opponent, with that said i dug the whole of it with slight laughter but creatively piece like these have been done for ages and for ages have made for slightly funny open mics, you didnt really push it to the limit here, seemed as if you werent too interested in competing and just threw this together, mechanically it flowed well but the rhythm was very hard to find due to varied lengths in lines and a somewhat sporadic rhyming pattern, the word usage was superb with everything in its place and making for more creative rhyming words than the actual plot, the plot in itself again was just too easy and short to merit a victory but i still somewhat enjoyed the read
nah - a good story to say the least, this started off nicely with a good flow and good imagery but i didnt really care for where you took the character, i doubt the truthfulness behind this but if it were true i still dont feel as though it significantly adds to the impact of the story, overall the flow was good enough to keep reading with a better rhythm than your opponents and the story itself as a whole was a pretty good read but things like his name 'Ryan' didn't really fit the script to me or him 'having dreams of lake michigan', i got the picture of some native in a tree skirt but then you gave me Ryan with dreams of lake michigan, it just didnt all add up well and seems as though you strung this together loosely and relied heavily on your writing talents and the fact that it seemed baron hardly tried
vote - nah son, in quite possibly one of the easiest weeks to stomp him but baron threw the match here and so nah walks off with the victory, still a pretty good story but some of the stuff just didn't work for me and overall it broke no new ground which would have made for an easy win for baron had he posted up to his usual standards, as is this was a decent battle though and the better story/verse wins it for me
Can we get a few more, please?
Baron - this was a comical verse that was well written for what it was .. flowed well and made for a cool little read .. I found some of the vocab you tried seemed forced but nothing that ruined the piece .. I'm guessing you did it just for the sake of it though and didn't really bring a strong competitive verse .. def would get good feedback in open mic .. but lacked here for me ..
nah son - showing intent to take these play-offs again .. cos this was the better verse here .. not just cos it offered more content .. but it was more interesting and far more engaging to read .. the story was told well with a smooth flow and clear imagery .. not the best verse this week from what I've read but I did like it ..
Vote = nah son .. simply the better verse as far as interest in the content goes .. both were enjoyable but baron fell short of really giving me something I 'wanted' to read .. formula felt stale but it was written pretty well .. with me having very little to fault in nah sons piece ..
Baron - the ending made me laugh a bit with that twist and then the rest of it made sense as it came back, but at the same time I feel you really forced a lot of much more complex adjectives throughout the entire piece that just didn't work for me...I think you should have focused less on vocab and more on delivering a story that does more then remain as a funny after thought.
Nahsy - I think this was kind of bland compared to what I'm use to seeing from you as normally you bring a lot more to the table...you hit the imagery though and the history was there which you like to delve into, but this seemed to lack something that made me actually feel for the character or relate to him more.
vote = Nah Son for a more complete and better rounded verse though.
descriptive and mechanically sharp writing right here.. i think i've said it before: i don't particularly like twist-endings.. though the writing as such was top-notch it just wasn't applied on an interesting enough topic (in my opinion, of course)
pretty heartfelt and likeable piece, you kept me interested from beginning to end with pizzazz and emotional flair so to speak.. it wasn't OMGreat, but good enough to win this match for you as i see it, looking forward to read more, see what you can do..
vote: nah son
the explanation is in the breakdown, basically
i think u rushed this cuz u r definitely better than this short verse u gave us. for the most part it was written well and imagery was very on point. but to me it wasnt really entertaining. its 1 of those throw away verses im sure u urself arent proud of. being a comedian myself the ending didnt really make me laugh. overall 6.5/10
havent read from u in a while but this story was engaging and should come with a lennex. start to finish i was very into it. even though u knew wat was coming u still wanted to read this mans life and death. flow was good aswell as everything else but emotion is wat set this apart. good use of topic. overall 8.5/10
v nah son
The verse wasnt meant to be comical. Just a creative take on the Son Of A Bitch topic.
Personally I thought Nah's verse sucked eggs, but I guess I was asking too much for him to match my 16 or so. HA! The length won this for him, so save me all the spiel just to make your two-lines-per-verse quota. Vote proper. I wasnt interested in competing, he wrote a novel, therefore he won.
I have no idea why people are too scared to tell the truth here. Call it like it is, I'd respect it a lot more...
Q- i think i pretty much told it how it is.
if my verse sucked eggs your verse sucked the sperm busted to create the eggs nigga
ur wack as fuck
a disgrace to this fuckin league child
ill admit my verse wasn't anythin special
its the first round nigga
I'm seed 1 .. this fuckin shit is set up for seed 1 to face the worst fuckin participant (#16) which is u faggot..
what u want me to do write the best shit for ya garbage ass trash of a verse?
fuck outta here u lame ass slut
anybody in the fuckin tourney woulda beat that piece of shit
take that immature cryin to rhyme ho
this is a grown man league
we gets down
now walk out for I really hurt ya feelins u little bitch
next time I have to chastize u I'ma pull links and make u come back on one of ya hundred aliases u use to vote ya self lil nigga
Baron has some dope shit... too bad is was so short... I'm not sure why you didnt write a full verse being how excited you seemed to be to have a rematch with nah son.. In a way you sort of let him down.. this wasnt hard to vote on for this reason mainly.. but your wording and story-writing abilities are one of the better around here, thats for sure...
Nah son is the champ so everyone critiques him more strictly, which i might be doing, but Nah opened up the story perfectly, it was interesting after the first 2 lines and the flow was butta... the story, i felt wasnt that interesting, but it was written great, kinda falling outta the dopeness in the end that the opening part had me feeling... but very strong writing skills.
Nice reads by both, but Nah son Wins this one
baron - not bad for what it was. but as you've stated, you just posted something so as not to no show. it was a pretty interesting read and i would've been interesting to see how it would've developed if you would've finished the piece.
nah son - easily good enough to win this match which i guess is all you needed to do. i can't really remember the last time i read a piece by you. but i was thoroughly impressed by this. and i'll be making sure that i check out your verse next week.
vote - nah son.
bodian... good verse. short. which wasn't bad. the content was intelligent. i didn't see it as comical, so i got you on that. the flow sucked. rhyme scheme was poor. but it was interesting/entertaining & it had substance. but the mechanics weren't too good, & that lost you this. plain & simple. not the length.
nah... dope verse. i thought it stretched. some of the 4 bar segments seemed filler & unnecessary, but still good writing. the rhyme scheme was tight & the flow was smooth; so, your mechanics were on. the imagery was great. i could really picture the sequences as they occurred. the poetics shined, too. very intelligent.
overall a pretty easy vote.
nah's verse shined. overall just a better verse other than the simple fact i personally thought it stretched a little.
yea, Nah Son got this. there's not really a whole lot for me to say. Baron, i got the humor in the piece and actually i think it was written pretty well. however, there just wasn't enough substance here to for me to vote for you over Nah Son's. For what it was, it was pretty good: a short, relatively clever and slightly funny piece. But, sorry, Nah Son just had more there in his content. i think your writing was better, but not by a wide enough margin to get the vote with your short, imagery-laden, but rather empty piece.
Vote= Nah Son
too short and well...just not that creative, it was written good but it really didn't have anything special in it that me say wow....the flow was good, we all know you're a good writer so that's not the issue, it just seemed to me like you didn't really care, you just posted to post , any way decent verse not your best though
ok starting good but i hope this is saving private ryan all over again, ok let me keep reading...
well finished reading and i liked it but i didn't love it, i saw the ending coming and kind of figured your topic half way through before seeing it so i spoiled the suprise for my self, the mechanics were ok but the whole aa bb rhyme scheme is too simplistic for me although the multis were good, switch up a little though it became monotonous, but nonetheless it was well written and well just an overall good verse im just being picky
my vote goes to nah son....i feel if baron tried he may have actually won this easily based upon what i saw, neither one of you brought your A game but nah son brought a winning mentality and it showed
very potent vocab and description.. majority of wording was sweet as fuck.. flow meh a lil so so seen better from you.. as far as originality goes yeh man its ok something i covered like third week in but still has entertainment value.. not too bad dude.
well developed story, a great depiction of the world you portrayed.. Flow a lot tighter then baron minds which helped ease into this piece.. As far as the actual story goes ima def fan - i seen a whole lot of doco's on the navy and think the slave aspect was a nice touch.. top verse..
vote = nah son
better mechanics - originality
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