Raw tears

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by kyza soza, Jan 13, 2004.

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  1. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    This is about a real life situation about me thinking back over my life…and about my boys recent death in particular, I hope you lot like it, leave feed, or at least show some love


    My jaw dropped like autumn leafs when I found out
    Tears slowly fell, sliding down my cheek,
    Face was wet like the spring morning glisten,
    Do people care, shhhh!!!!….can you hear that ignorant silence
    They say it was his own fault, drugs and teens should never mix
    That’s fucked up, they blame it on this society of lawlessness,
    “kids these days”
    Hands bounded together, I hate struggle!, where’s my freedom?
    We need to break the shackles the government puts down on us
    I wanna become a new man, no fear, new freedom earned
    Gracefully loving my people, I hold no bounds like freshly cut grass
    Why does it take death to show you how much you miss someone?
    Regretting all the things I held back on, and the things I wish I said
    Never telling someone what they mean to you before…
    …It’s too late

    Now my boys gone, I loved him to death, life now holds no purpose
    There comes a time where everyone’s got to go down that path
    I ain’t gonna lie, I’ve considered thoughts of takin my life
    Head bowed, my boy is now eternally mourned,
    from his birth till his afterlife, im in a fit of rage
    I release this in my only way I know how
    manic depression, liberate my hell-bent fury on a page,
    when will my soul be liberated from this hell on earth scenario
    Is my heart big?, it shouldn’t be, coz I’ve been heartbroken often
    I’ve had to rebuild my confidence, rebuild the stocked up cries
    Waiting that little bit longer, till I inevitably have to relieve them again
    Life is just one long road so I am gonna have to buy some new shoes
    And it’s like a chess game with god, but damn, it’s now he’s turn to move

    *contemplates

    Erm,….

    *That would be too easy

    *lowers the knife

    “too much to live for!”
    test
  2. MarQuise*

    MarQuise* Can You Hear Me*

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2004
    Messages:
    5,268
    Kyza, my boy, this was D Double E P, this was real, heart felt, it had all the right emotions there, this was the isht i was talkin to you about, one thing thou, it started off raw, started off wit the isht that is so true to your writing skills, but for some reason, towards the end it drifted a lil, regardless of me sayin that, this drop was ill, i Loved readin it, and I know you done your Boy proud. Whas this about you and your heart huh? Wha i say to you jus the other day? You got a Big Heart...X And thru work like this, it shines through, keep your head up...X

    'My jaw dropped like autumn leafs when I found out
    Tears slowly fell, sliding down my cheek,
    Face was wet like the spring morning glisten,
    Do people care, shhhh!!!!….can you hear that ignorant silence
    They say it was his own fault, drugs and teens should never mix
    That’s fucked up, they blame it on this society of lawlessness,
    “kids these days”
    Hands bounded together, I hate struggle!, where’s my freedom?
    We need to break the shackles the government puts down on us
    I wanna become a new man, no fear, new freedom earned
    Gracefully loving my people, I hold no bounds like freshly cut grass
    Why does it take death to show you how much you miss someone?
    Regretting all the things I held back on, and the things I wish I said
    Never telling someone what they mean to you before…
    …It’s too late

    Now my boys gone, I loved him to death, life now holds no purpose
    There comes a time where everyone’s got to go down that path
    I ain’t gonna lie, I’ve considered thoughts of takin my life
    Head bowed, my boy is now eternally mourned,
    from his birth till his afterlife, im in a fit of rage
    I release this in my only way I know how
    manic depression, liberate my hell-bent fury on a page,
    when will my soul be liberated from this hell on earth scenario
    Is my heart big?, it shouldn’t be, coz I’ve been heartbroken often'

    All this was ill, i cant really say much more, I loved the metaphors used, your really extended your vocab on this drop.

    Much Lv...
    test
  3. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    thanx, i can always count on some honest feed from you hun...thanx a million!
    test
  4. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    test
  5. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    test
  6. ~Eloquent

    ~Eloquent Narcissistic....

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    the reoccuring thoughts of suicide is such a powerful thing...
    but you cant allow it to shackle you cuz itll waste you away completely...
    dont isolate yourself due to your depression the sooner you learn to open up,youll be suprised to see how therapuetic it can turn out to be...

    'My jaw dropped like autumn leafs when I found out
    Tears slowly fell, sliding down my cheek,

    heartbreak can pound you senselessly...
    but life is a challenge and you cant let down on fighting for happiness..
    once you find your way,the dark times,youll look back on and be glad that you were able to muster the strength to overcome it...
    keep writing...
    test
  7. The Verbalist

    The Verbalist Where Dey At ?

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2003
    Messages:
    40
    shit was deep bro, you're a damn good poet. I like your writin style alot, the way you convey emotion in your pieces.

    I really liked this line

    Is my heart big?, it shouldn’t be, coz I’ve been heartbroken often
    I’ve had to rebuild my confidence, rebuild the stocked up cries

    ^^This is how i feel every damn day, I have too big of a heart for as much as it gets crushed.

    Nice piece dawd, keep that shit up.

    One
    test
  8. iLL Script.

    iLL Script. ~Poetic~

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2002
    Messages:
    15,884
    Tears slowly fell, sliding down my cheek,
    Face was wet like the spring morning glisten,
    ^liked how u worded this, nicely done

    Regretting all the things I held back on, and the things I wish I said
    Never telling someone what they mean to you before…
    …It’s too late
    ^know tha feelin'

    when will my soul be liberated from this hell on earth scenario
    Is my heart big?, it shouldn’t be, coz I’ve been heartbroken often'
    ^really feelin' dis part

    damn man. dis was n excellent poem right here, really liked it from tha start to tha finish nice job
    stay up
    test
  9. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    thanx homies, this is much appreciated
    test
  10. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    ups...ill get at leavin some feed 2nite...especially the people who feed this
    test
  11. mocha_licious

    mocha_licious New Member

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    ty for sharing...very emotional and creative....the last paragraph was very strong to me....keep elevating ~one luv~
    test
  12. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    thank very much
    test
  13. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    uppin please
    test
  14. DaJackle

    DaJackle ThoughtS ProcessinG

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    its a very well written piece...this is my first reading of yours so i don't really know you're writting style that well...anyways, i agree with that Marquise says, after the first stanza it does feel like it dragged...its probably because you started so strong and powerful that at the second statnza you tried to do the same thing, but some lines aren't as strong as others, giving off that people...because in the first stanza you were more direct, straight to the point, and very emotional...the second stanza is somewhat the same thing, but it just seem that its with less intensity....but anyway...this is a good piece, i enjoy reading, you're a good narrative writer...i'm not too good at that, keep you're head up, things will clear up for you sooner or later, as long as you let it to
    test
  15. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    thanx homie...all the feed goes a long way...much appreciated
    test
  16. aron the junkie

    aron the junkie New Member

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    this was nice man really nice, i can totally relate to this 100 percent january 2, 2003 my boy died from drugs he was only 16

    but yeah man i really liked this peice
    keep up the good work
    test
  17. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    thanx man...condolences to you and the boys fam..one luv
    test
  18. vinous

    vinous New Member

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    'My jaw dropped like autumn leafs when I found out
    Tears slowly fell, sliding down my cheek,
    Face was wet like the spring morning glisten,

    ^^
    beautiful. pz.
    test
  19. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    thanx...all the feed is very much appreciated
    test
  20. Lady_Love

    Lady_Love "Let it Marinate..."

    Joined:
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    This is nice....I know how you feel...i have lost a lot in life and even more in just 2003.
    You have a lot of talent....i have been writing since 8 and postin since 97....so i have seen lots of work.
    I commend you with the lyrical arrangement. not many people can address their emotions.

    thanks for the response....this is my first time posting on this site and i really dont have a set style so i write how i feel, but the criticism was felt. People have different preferences, sorry my poetry wasn't your taste.

    Keep up the good work, I hope to see more from you.

    Peace and Blessings.
    test
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