not really a good explanation of why you thought it was sick. the format of a text bar, traditionally, is setup/punch. the setup should do just that, setup the punch. thus, it should lead into the punch or reveal the punch or relate to it in some rhyming manner. here, it seems as if the setup is a reiteration of the punch. they're two separate thoughts saying the same thing in different ways, both of which are poorly done. the setup for instance, in the way you explained it, is executed terribly. if you wanted to say that people get into his verses and then fall asleep. first consider why this would be intriguing to a reader. if it isn't, then toss it. sometimes a dope punch is hidden behind how you choose to convey it. so i don't suggest always giving up. you may be able to find a way to reveal it so that it hits that much harder. but if you can't, toss it. secondly, how can i effectively center the punch around this concept. think of how you want to convey the punchline, or the second line. the most effective way to say it. then center the bar around it. as for this line, i liked neither the punch nor the setup conceptually, so i think they should've been tossed. the punch itself is too predictable in material. it's like the plaxico burress lines or the palin lines. also, the execution is poor. the setup is executed poorly as well.