Rain delay

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Supreme J-Red, Jun 7, 2003.

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  1. Supreme J-Red

    Supreme J-Red Mario Brother

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 1999
    Messages:
    15,867
    this heat is killing me
    all this work delays the goal
    sweat is spilling from me
    five in a row is my apathy
    welcomed by a heartless jerk
    "you can do it",yah.. take the sweat from my shirt
    my body is hurt from all the endless climbing
    write in my head, despite the spite i'm rhyming
    the dull light ahead flickers like gnats zapped
    my world is one of a fish bowl, and thats trapped
    four sides to a this metal box
    he looks down upon a fallen lamb
    time ticks away like clock trucks on the gas
    i wake up to an aww fuck aww shit aww damn
    monotony is my claim to the same
    and the same old same is so arduous
    so i pour my soul into this thing called writing
    hoping my words will find meaning and keep on fighting
    my brain and my will win and i become what i am
    and i am a one day sucess,just not yet
    and i am a soon to be success,just a bet
    test
  2. vinous

    vinous New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2003
    Messages:
    405
    so i pour my soul into this thing called writing
    hoping my words will find meaning and keep on fighting
    my brain and my will win and i become what i am
    and i am a one day sucess,just not yet
    and i am a soon to be success,just a bet

    my fave part of the poem, love that part, real nice imagery, luvn the whole piece, really.
    test
  3. TuNed RooT

    TuNed RooT Love is introduction ..

    Joined:
    May 25, 2003
    Messages:
    869
    Simple, yet original piece that I've just read here. I found the imagery okay, it could've came a lot harder, because your potential is gleaming, it's so obvious that imagery may be your best aspect within the poetic devices you have intact with your pen, feel me? Although, not just yet, you still are developing into a better poet, also. So, it's whatever, but I'm feeling what you're bringing to the table, mos def. Other than that, sometimes, I felt as if you threw in the word just for the sake of rhyme.

    "he looks down upon a fallen lamb
    time ticks away like clock trucks on the gas
    i wake up to an aww fuck aww shit aww damn"


    It could just end at 'aww fuck', but used 'dame' to rhyme with 'lamb', although it's whatever you were feeling at the morning, when you wake up. Although, that's just what I felt when I read that, just a little forced for the rhyme scheme, feel me? I may be wrong though and you actually feel that way in the morning, aww fuck, aww shit, aww damn, etc. Not me to judge. Other than that, overall, piece was pretty decent, pretty nice, no doubt. Could use some work, ofcourse, who or what piece doesn't? My blessings..
    test
  4. skandelous_lala

    skandelous_lala back from the dead

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2000
    Messages:
    26,748
    i liked the title for this..and where this piece was going..i definitly get the feeling you are expressing. overall a nice piece.
    test
  5. Supreme J-Red

    Supreme J-Red Mario Brother

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 1999
    Messages:
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    thanks guys..

    just a side note..i spend no more than 15/20 mins on anything i write...so i just go off..never even think...just what comes out....
    test
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