Quarterback Drew Brees considers buying the Mercedes-Benz Dome (Onion-themed piece)

Discussion in 'Sports Central' started by d-rell, Feb 26, 2013.

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  1. d-rell

    d-rell New Member

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    Late one Sunday evening Drew Brees exited a meeting with his financial consultants, a mixture of former bank executives and CPAs, that left many of them confounded. “Drew wants to negotiate a deal with Gov. Jindal and LSED to purchase majority interest in the Superdome. He also wants to acquire the naming rights from Mercedes-Benz,” chief consultant and super fan Nelson Lopeza explained. “He claims upon execution of the purchase all the tenants will remain under the their lease contracts and the new name for the Mercedes-Benz dome will be the Baylen Dome after his autistic son. Brees is an American patriot, his grandfather didn’t serve in WW2 to have him play in a Dome named after a German automaker.”

    Apparently Brees is confident in his chances. “I own this city,” Brees explained to reporters, “the Super Dome is one of the most valuable real estate properties in this State and its intangibles are Nazi infested. This entire state rallies around this football team. I’m sure Gov. Jindal will do the right thing if he plans on getting anything through the State legislature this term.”

    Critics of Brees’ ambitions include senior coordinator for LSED Remus Wells. “The State of Louisiana takes tremendous pride in its assets [including New Orleans Arena and Zephyr Field]. The Mercedes-Benz Dome is not for sale. Not only would it be an extreme conflict of interest for Mr. Brees, playing for one of our tenants to have an ownership stake in the Mercedes-Benz Dome but were is he going to get the capital to become a majority owner? It’s truly laughable. What kind of realistic offer would he have been able to make?”

    Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones apparently inspired Brees’ stadium ownership idea. Jerry Jones financed over $700 million of the $2.1 billion Cowboys stadium through his own ventures, the remaining $300 million was publicly funded. But Jerry Jones has a net worth of over $2 billion, compared to Brees’ $45 million. “The math doesn’t add up,” says Remus, “I don’t know what the Benz Dome is currently appraised at, but it’s at least 20 times more than Brees’ is worth.”

    Lopeza vehemently opposes this point. “Drew Brees is a national treasure. We believe that he’s worth more than what we still call the Louisiana Super Dome. Drew Brees is the most popular figure in Louisiana by far. It was either applying for the Archdiocese of New Orleans, buying Mardi Gras naming rights, or owning the Super Dome. Brees is a religion, people will happily donate to him including the Benson family, even they’re potential donors. Drew Brees has increased the value of Louisiana's busiest city. I honestly think New Orleans employers will deduct biweekly amounts from the workers’ paychecks with the workers’ approval for the this cause. What Drew Brees wants, he gets. Last night he wanted Angelina Jolie, later Brad Pitt wrote him a thank you letter for restoring his struggling marriage. He had no idea Drew Brees wanted his wife. That means she’s something to hold on to.”

    When the mention that Gov. Jindal may not have an interest in selling off the Mercedes-Benz Dome, Lopeza was further defiant. “Well if that’s true, then we’ll have to defer to our very talented legal team, reference to us by Morris Bart. It will undoubtably end up being the State of Louisiana vs. Drew Brees and we all know who the majority of Louisiana residents will side with.”
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