Prelude To Pregnancy (Revised)

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by quotive, Aug 1, 2005.

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  1. quotive

    quotive 3

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    To those who got to see the old piece, I think this is a little better, I re-wrote it completely.



    See, I used to know this
    white girl...
    her boyfriend had trouble
    unstrapping her bra in the
    theatres, I think it was Spider-Man 2.

    This reality is tainted
    and a little bit of tounge
    pressed upon my lips
    tastes like a november walk.
    A conversation I had with her...

    I looked into her eyes,
    and saw ecstasy.
    She wanted to unzip my pants
    and kiss me until I confessed
    that I didn't love her because she
    was "beautiful,"
    but because I needed some...

    She had a beauty mark on her ass...
    and I used to think about
    fucking her atleast twice a day...
    Maybe I'm being too blunt,
    but two blunts and orange
    juice with Vodka will make her
    yell for Jesus and his sins...

    And I thought about,
    "the saddest girl to hold a martini..."
    and remembered how close
    we were to making out
    in your garage,
    or your grandma's house,
    or that little rocket slide
    your little sister used to chase me around...

    Then I thought about
    my girlfriend...
    test
  2. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

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    "Damn girl..." I said...
    "We're fuckin' tonight..." She said...
    "Hell yeah..." I said...

    okay then? lol, nah but the title had me thinking otherwise, I don't know just something else but after reading this its duhh to me what its about. But I'm just wondering, what in the hell is so romantic about that^? Or, hmm that was the gist? That line, where you said something about mistake, it kinda made me think that too. Oh, that was the line right after it.

    I didn't like the last part, it just threw me off man. Either I felt it ended too shortly or it was that last line. One of those. Or maybe both? lol. You know the drill, keep writing!

    -Much Love
    test
  3. twinkletoes

    twinkletoes New Member

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    I gotta disagree with the last poster - the end was my favorite part - it really put you (the reader) in the moment...

    Only part I wasn't feelin was the "he said/she said/he said" verse --- I like the dialogue and the raw/realness of it, I'd just get rid of the "saids"
    test
  4. ManMadeofAshes

    ManMadeofAshes *DREAMER

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    haha...

    your awsome man. I love the beginning. awsome way to start things out. Imagery is perfect.


    "Damn girl..." I said...
    "We're fuckin' tonight..." She said...
    "Hell yeah..." I said...

    As we enter a door to Heaven,
    or a mistake... "

    ^this is the one part I don't especially like. Not because of the content necissarily but the way it was put together. I found it awkward to read.


    rest of the poem is basically quotable. Nice twist on a cliche' in the last line. (till the stars don't shine) suprising but extremely appropriate.

    also feeling how you need the title for the poem. the two could be seperated, but their individual impacts, or those compared to others would lack the connection they have to each other. (I think I said that right lol)

    dope poem.

    -ashes
    test
  5. MISSKEYdaQUEEN

    MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther..

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    Hahaaaa..the title is priceless...

    It's such an impulsive poem and..well....What and where does impulse get you..
    for many it is pregnancy!

    I liked this!!
    test
  6. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

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    damn @ the ending, this was nice. Though its revised and all, it has that feeling that didn't quite change. ehh, I meant that as in good. Like, don't change just cause somebody wants you to. EHH you know what I mean. If not too bad :thumb:

    but you little troll I hope you still have the 'original' to this! Keep writing.

    -Much Love
    test
  7. MISSKEYdaQUEEN

    MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther..

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    I like the other one better..

    mannn...this is hot but..why change it?
    Hey, either way...nice job!
    test
  8. twinkletoes

    twinkletoes New Member

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    Am I the only one who feels that this is a TOTALLY different poem? Maybe I'm confusing myself, but this is completly different that before. I understand that it's the same experience, but one experience can lend itself to two (or more) conflicting poems/emotions...

    I like this a lot - it's got the same relatability that I see in all of your poetry - - I always read your work and identify with it in a deep way, which is really the goal...

    I hope you didn't get rid of the "original" as it was just as dope...
    test
  9. quotive

    quotive 3

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    I still have the other one, I like this a little better, but either way, neither one of them are really my style of writing, just experiments.

    I appreciate you girls replying twice.. I love y'all lol..

    you too ManMade!!!

    I'll be posting a new poem riggghhhhhttt now...
    test
  10. Thrilla-Ali

    Thrilla-Ali Dapper Don

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    i dont get it.. i write with a totally diff style then most people here.. mabey thats why
    test
  11. ManMadeofAshes

    ManMadeofAshes *DREAMER

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    She had a beauty mark on her ass...
    and I used to think about
    fucking her atleast twice a day...
    Maybe I'm being too blunt,
    but two blunts and orange
    juice with Vodka will make her
    yell for Jesus and his sins...

    lol.
    test
  12. quotive

    quotive 3

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    ^ I know, right? lol

    and hmm @ Ali... u back? More beef? lol
    test
  13. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    Man I don't even remember reading the original version. I guess I didn't get the chance too lol. But yeah man this was a cool piece. Very blunt and kind of straight to the point. Didn't really like the ending though. Reminds me of some shit I'm going through. Keep your dick in your pants boy.

    One luv
    test
  14. Wicked5744

    Wicked5744 Last I awoke, it was morn

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    No real symbolism in this or eloquent descriptions, just pretty much what happened. Keep the ink flowin, 1.
    test
  15. KAtpower

    KAtpower New Member

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    um, thanks for your comment...I am getting you back. who do I sound like. That bites becasue i like to think that I am unique. I liked your poem .. it 's very frisky. No wonder that girl was playin 'cause her man(boy) didnt know how to undo her strap. (that's week!)
    this stanza:
    I looked into her eyes,
    and saw ecstasy.
    She wanted to unzip my pants
    and kiss me until I confessed
    that I didn't love her because she
    was "beautiful,"
    but because I needed some...

    .. oh the sick ways little boys and girls play with eachother!
    test
  16. quotive

    quotive 3

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    eh, sick little ways? i'll just take your reply as a comment and leave it as it is..

    i don't know, maybe uhh.. what's his face... tooshort21 maybe, lol..

    but yeah, good looks.
    test
  17. .Malone.

    .Malone. New Member

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    * I read this after you edited it*

    By the title I thought you were gonna tell the story about a hoe but I was wrong,

    This story is mad nice, at first I thought you fucked her, then as I got in the middle I discovered you didn't, but the end was a good twist, having a girlfreind this is nice son
    test
  18. Bhitiah

    Bhitiah Powerful Scriptures

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    I dunno, I read the other one but didnt reply to it ...and I'm just replying to this to be an ass...But other then that , It was good ...You definately have a way with words and the way you put things down........sometimes, you just seem so fake to me tho ....
    test
  19. Bhitiah

    Bhitiah Powerful Scriptures

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    man, i didnt mean that like...toward your poetry or nothing, your stuff's hott...and obviously I didnt mean that toward you as a person because I dont know you ....but i know what I did mean and if you wanna know what I mean, get @ me on aim ...

    oh, and oj and vodka is a bitch drink ...i seen on your myspace page that you said some shit like, oh i love orange juice and vodka that's my shit or some nonsense, and then in here you say it's gonna make the bitch scream your name or something....

    you want a bitch to scream your name, get her some whiskey or somethin stronger then some orange juice and vodka, cause if your gettin bitches screamin yor name after a couple orange juice and vodka's then ....they was hoes in the first place....

    that is of course, only if you need to get a girl tipsy before she'll scream your name....


    Just friendly advice.
    test
  20. quotive

    quotive 3

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    ^ guess what motherfucker? I never mentioned anything about a "bitch" screaming my name. If you'd fucking learn how to read maybe you'd realize for ONCE that I said yell for Jesus and his sins. It has nothing to do with sex, god damn. This so called "bitch" was an athiest, so it makes more sense. Man, you've lost all my respect on this... calling me fake, the girl a "bitch" and JUDGING ME.. hell fucking naw.

    I never said anything about getting "tipsy" either.. wtf? I don't care if whiskey is better, does it look like ...I... give a fuck?

    Don't fucking judge something you know NOTHING about. I don't need alcohol to get a girl to "scream my name" and I never even implied that in this poem. Man you're ignorant... I swear, next time you read my "fake" ass poetry don't reply, just friendly advice.

    Stupid motherfuckers man..
    test
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