please read, short verse

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by stick stickly, Nov 11, 2010.

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  1. stick stickly

    stick stickly New Member

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    Yo just smoke this and hocus-pocus now we’re flowing
    I had this shit flown in. My boy in Cali’s growing
    I got a (wholeO) back home up in my bureau, so keep rolling.
    That shits golden. You know it.
    Kick back and relax man.
    You must be baked where I am and I am in Amsterdam so
    Grab a few beers and we’ll have a can to ash in
    No, I wouldn’t smoke this if your ass has got asthma
    So feel your stress collapsing, theres no app for that
    Its just my dope track and the shit we smoked acting
    Like James Cameron Im set for financial backing
    so just keep them bowls packing lights camera action


    hows it flow?
    test
  2. twenty_ROCK

    twenty_ROCK Crack Illz

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    test
  3. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

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    Not bad for the most part, the flow was pretty good. I liked the freestyle swag this had to it. I would suggest for a point to improve, is your rhyming. The word choice is great, but the rhymes need complexity. Some multies maybe, or some internal rhymes. Overall this was good though. You just need pointing in the right direction that's all.


    Holla
    test
  4. stick stickly

    stick stickly New Member

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    appreciate the feedback, how would i make the rhymes more complex? you mean like the end rhymes, i guess i really use similar sounds more than actually rhyming
    test
  5. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

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    Multisyllable rhymes or some internal rhymes in the bars perhaps. Something to give the verse a little spice, if you get what I'm saying.

    Check my latest open mic for a decent illustration

    Peace
    test
  6. Radical Sun

    Radical Sun New Member

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    I liked it. I understand with the similiar sounding instead of actually rhyming kind of thing. I do that sometimes too. Sometimes hard to understand when reading it and not listening to it.

    Keep it sticky icky icky Stickly
    test
  7. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    word. this wasnt bad. i agree with NG. multi's are the easiest to start with, in my opinion. but other than that, this was pretty nice. good start, homey.
    test
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