~Out The Window~

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Mind~$oul, Feb 19, 2005.

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  1. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2001
    Messages:
    17,331
    i've seen death seep
    beneath my feet....
    blood from a
    growing soul...
    murderers let
    theirs go...

    i've seen bench warmers
    praying for freedom
    emptiness in their heart
    breath full of liquor
    holding on to a past with
    frost bitten fingers...
    spitted on by pushers
    and preachers...

    i've seen mama stand in
    front of a mirror...
    with a black eye...
    puttin on makeup for
    the spotlights...
    seen niggas roll their
    lives on tricked dice...
    heard the words of
    a poor poet's cry...

    watched devils
    juke with angels...
    like pork
    eating muslims
    singing together
    at satan's table...

    i've seen fiends snort
    their last line of dirt
    before heading out to church
    they sat in the last pew
    dressed in give away suits
    hoping a preacher's words
    could turn them new...

    life isnt right sometimes
    the things i've seen in life
    makes it hard to believe what
    jesus saw in his own eyes...
    i've seen people dying
    trying to keep the faith...
    just to see a piece of the
    next day...



    Man I havent posted anything in awhile. I wrote this about maybe 3 months ago. Dont really like it though espeically the ending. Think it could have been a lot better. But I couldnt come up with anything else. Hope you enjoy
    test
  2. Dialted

    Dialted Mr. Ted dial

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2004
    Messages:
    782
    I love the title and the way that you've seen things out of the window, or so it seems. Thats a good title imo.

    First stanza was excellent i think.. death seep beneath my feet was really well worded. The thing is, living in a city, any city around the world, you're almost guarenteed to see all this by JUST looking out your window. That's what i thought made the title and in turn, the piece so special ya know.

    Stay up

    -kyza
    test
  3. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 1999
    Messages:
    2,986
    what the?!

    woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooord up!!!!

    this was an unexpected surpriase mind soul....I havent read any of your work in months and getting right into this you bring in the smooth delievery and the reader recoginizes your voice like a dog to its master or a child to his mother and father....just so smooth and unique it really is a breath of fresh air when you post something....you write with a poets eye....spotting everything and taking note....then you use your third eye braking down the spiritual world which grabbed my attention the most....you always describe the pews/preacher/pusher/person so well its mind boggling and gives me goosebumps for your open honesty and inquiry on what you see is truth in a messed up reality....first off the title was creative...fits with every stanza....

    i've seen death seep
    beneath my feet....
    blood from a
    growing soul...
    murderers let
    theirs go...


    ^this opening stanza makes me recall the many deaths I had to go through and "beneath my feet" is walking in a graveyard trying not to step on noones grave out of disrepect and also its just a errie place to be....then the murderers let theirs go like selling it to the devil....just a slick twist all in one stanza got my attention quick


    i've seen bench warmers
    praying for freedom
    emptiness in their heart
    breath full of liquor
    holding on to a past with
    frost bitten fingers...
    spitted on by pushers
    and preachers...


    ^this is the famous stanza that reminds me of your past work....just tight....the party on friday and saturday night then church on sunday...then back to our daily sins coming back to God when we've gone to far....that emptiness in the heart is hard to fill....with a twsited past of good and bad its really all messed up....and I like the spitted on by pushers ad preachers....one bad one good both screaming answers easy to get confused


    i've seen mama stand in
    front of a mirror...
    with a black eye...
    puttin on makeup for
    the spotlights...
    seen niggas roll their
    lives on tricked dice...
    heard the words of
    a poor poet's cry...


    ^this brought it back to a childs eyes....reminds me of my mom and all the ladys for that matter....makeups a big deal....(and even bigger for black women I think??....ya know what I mean Mind Soul...LMAO)....but the next line that follows the niggas and tricked dice....so clever so slick so smooth I think thats the dopest line in this piece

    watched devils
    juke with angels...
    like pork
    eating muslims
    singing together
    at satan's table...

    ^now the spiritual eye....the constant twist of the devil and his army...juke with angels....as well as us christians...and with the power of sin got us constantly backsliding and going back to square 1 when last year we were on square 12....start all over again trying to get right with God...hard work....its easier sometimes to accept the lies and enjoy the meal at satans table singing together....twisted

    i've seen fiends snort
    their last line of dirt
    before heading out to church
    they sat in the last pew
    dressed in give away suits
    hoping a preacher's words
    could turn them new...

    ^then the drugs come in....so real so dramatic...I never thought of fiends snorting before church but can picture it...a person struggling with their life in the ghetto....sitting in the back row clueless trying to get back into church...probably looked down upon or worst ignored and nobody wants to help him.....hoping for a preacher when they should be seeking JESUS first....so vivid so sad so real

    life isnt right sometimes
    the things i've seen in life
    makes it hard to believe what
    jesus saw in his own eyes...
    i've seen people dying
    trying to keep the faith...
    just to see a piece of the
    next day...

    ^the ending was nice as well...could of been a tad bit stronger but that last part of death brought back the intro to me and made your poem FULL CIRCLE which is what I like to do....relating to Jesus eyes was a clever word play....life is hard...I can relate with the person dying keeping the faith....just trying to hang on...but this person I knew had more faith then me and I was on a spiritual jounrey at the time...she was positive she was in good hands and before she died she told me about her encouter with jesus and how he showed her her past...the good and the bad....the times she broke the law and did drugs to the time she was baptise....that whole life flashes before your eyes is real...and Jesus is real...or something...there is a spiritual word at least she was convinced and she was about to die...FEARLESS in her eyes because she knew a truth I will never understand....but yo mind soul this poem hit me hard as you can see and I thank you for sharing this with us even if you think its not your best I think its a masterpiece but thats just me and my experience with Life/death/drugs/and Jesus

    respect due

    Peace and Godbless
    test
  4. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2004
    Messages:
    5,023
    ^I could probably top that, but eh, I'm tired :thumb:

    You know I always gotta look out when you're puttin something out there. Seemed like you're just telling things how it is, and the last part you're just fed up with it all and don't want to continue on with writing about all the wrongs going on, b/c I know it can go on and it does.

    i've seen fiends snort
    their last line of dirt
    before heading out to church
    they sat in the last pew
    dressed in give away suits
    hoping a preacher's words
    could turn them new...

    sad enough for me to say, but I only go to church now a days to sing. Lol, my grandmother and grandfather was down here for a wedding reception last night and I was talking to her about my preacher and how crooked all the church goers seem (knock on wood) and she told me if I have a problem with my preacher, pray for him, and don't let God catch you sitting in the back with the devil. But now that I see that was off subject with what you're pointing out (I guess) all I gotta say is you do good when it comes to writing about what you see, and not just trying to figure out what to write about. You got a lot to pen down.
    I don't know you remind me of Anthony Hamilton and Lyfe, you write with your soul.
    -Much Love
    test
  5. Bhitiah

    Bhitiah Powerful Scriptures

    Joined:
    May 3, 2004
    Messages:
    1,173
    "i've seen bench warmers
    praying for freedom
    emptiness in their heart
    breath full of liquor
    holding on to a past with
    frost bitten fingers...
    spitted on by pushers
    and preachers..."


    ^^ Sick





    "i've seen fiends snort
    their last line of dirt
    before heading out to church
    they sat in the last pew
    dressed in give away suits
    hoping a preacher's words
    could turn them new..."

    ^^ I loved that...

    I'm glad you posted. :)
    test
  6. absolute zero

    absolute zero Among the living

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2004
    Messages:
    11,770
    oh lord.


    It's always so refreshing to see you post. you always come nice too, whether you think or not.

    "i've seen bench warmers
    praying for freedom
    emptiness in their heart
    breath full of liquor
    holding on to a past with
    frost bitten fingers...
    spitted on by pushers
    and preachers..."

    That was insane.

    "the things i've seen in life
    makes it hard to believe what
    jesus saw in his own eyes..."

    aint that the truth.....man what you said in that line, i feel so much.....

    great stuff

    God Bless
    test
  7. allnakey

    allnakey Sex is no fun by yourself

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2003
    Messages:
    2,940
    Ya know hwo I feel about this piece man, had got my opinion on it twice before... so ya know. Like I said vivid...


    Stay Up, Much Love, Peace
    test
  8. Amerrorist

    Amerrorist American Terror Is..

    Joined:
    May 11, 2003
    Messages:
    341
    The things you described were vivid. To me I'm not sure if this is your reality or your artistic point of view on life. Still, a very interesting puzzle of pieces super glued together.
    test
  9. lpoet

    lpoet POET

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2002
    Messages:
    12,678
    couldnt belive it when i saw u had a piece up...

    shits dope man...flow is efortless and u got that unforgetable style..

    seemed like a piece that would have been a dope as collab b/c it would have easy for someone else to give a perspective on.......

    thought it ended a bit abrubtly though...just when i really started to get into it u ended it..

    ending was actually pretty good even though u didnt like it..i just dont think u went into the ending at the right time

    anyhow...

    nice to see something from you man...hit me up.....

    i'm moving so i'll be on the net in the evening more often in about 2 weeks...

    email me though and let me know whats good
    test
  10. This was a vivid piece. this poem took me too many places and I saw many visions. The one which seemed to hit me the most was the mother and the blackeye line. Very gritty piece, sort of like a running film
    test
  11. For the Cause

    For the Cause Liberty needs glasses

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2004
    Messages:
    187
    i've seen fiends snort
    their last line of dirt
    before heading out to church
    they sat in the last pew
    dressed in give away suits
    hoping a preacher's words
    could turn them new...


    wow man you really know how to capture a moment
    roll the dice on their life with tricked dice

    very good man,
    lots of ways you can get trapped in life
    i would know!
    one.
    test
  12. Clarksvegas_Dan

    Clarksvegas_Dan Registered Voter

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2004
    Messages:
    767
    I'm glad to see you post something again...I liked this alot. The ending I liked for the most part...maybe you could change a word to change the rhythm or something...but I liked this piece overall. I wouldn't really change it...Great read. Thank You.
    test
  13. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2001
    Messages:
    2,931
    Ending kind of sucked, the rest of it was ok except for the like about juke'n angels.. that stanza was fresh as hell. The rest of it was just "real", you know easy for a brother to relate to that's lived any sort of normal life. Keep dropping for the normal niggas.
    test
  14. lpoet

    lpoet POET

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2002
    Messages:
    12,678
    up bitch
    test
  15. augee.ali

    augee.ali Lively Up Yourself...

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2003
    Messages:
    1,734
    I can dig it...shit was hot. I checked yall out in a minute, so i thought I'de come back and see what's up.
    test
  16. MURDERGHOST

    MURDERGHOST New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2003
    Messages:
    90
    Damn...i haven't been here for a while...

    but like i said before.. i look foward to reading your words...


    gifted shit homeboy...

    much love...this piece is straight up firme..



    god bless-
    test
  17. InTheStars

    InTheStars Reflective

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2004
    Messages:
    510
    I think that the concept that you had was very good, and the fact that none of your postings seem forced is also a plus. Maybe it could of ended a different way, but the way that you did end it sort of pieced all that you saw together. Nice drop...nice to see that you are still writing and posting every once in a while.
    Starz
    test
  18. NeNiTa

    NeNiTa DeViL's EyEz

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2004
    Messages:
    159
    i will be honest.... i didnt like the end buuuut i LOVED the rest of the piece i liked the part about mama and the homeless people..... this was very gracefully and artistically written.... much love on this
    test
  19. The Pharcyde

    The Pharcyde Giovanni

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2000
    Messages:
    387
    okay

    very powerful revelation.. loved how each stanza painted a different scene..
    grim images.. almost like snapshots..
    test
  20. AlmostFamous

    AlmostFamous U got a problem?

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2005
    Messages:
    2,789
    i've seen death seep
    beneath my feet....
    blood from a
    growing soul...
    murderers let
    theirs go...

    we can obviously see who runs this.... thats all im gonna say about that!

    nice piece and very powerful beginning, some shit that makes you think

    let me guess out of all these replies on this thread not one person hooked you up for some rep points

    well, here you go

    Rep^

    Famous
    test
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