Old Nick's Complex.

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by Kuja, Feb 16, 2013.

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  1. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
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    Old Nick's Complex



    Once an urban nightmare, now masked in a concrete jungle
    A reminder of the battle, the pain & constant struggle
    Once a vision, the future, born from an artist’s impression
    To avoid congestion, mankind’s ascension closer to heaven
    No blood was spilt; the complex was built with manpower, bricks & mortar
    Finished with home comforts, polished fittings & running water
    The residents became the towns envy, smitten & smug
    With the world at their feet & the stars written above

    6 weeks later came the voices.....​

    Subtle at the start were the careful whispers
    Bitter & twisted, the deeds they insisted
    Old man jones at number Three was the first it consumed
    He was weakened, alone, living in solitude
    'I miss you Steven' whispered the voice of his wife
    'When are you coming to join me from that life'
    His heart in overdrive, his eyes leaked salty tears
    At the sound of her voice which had been absent many years
    From the kitchen he heard laughter, crashing pots & pans
    A warm trickle from his nose, blood spots on his hands
    Clutching his heart, shooting pains in his arms
    He felt the world fade & entered the dark
    Time had passed before they discovered his carcass
    Nothing but rotted meat & fluid in the carpet
    A sickly sweet smell settled upon the complex like a mist
    The smell of rotting flesh, mixed with shit & piss

    6 Weeks later came the violence.....​


    'She's a whore Jake; she's screwing your best mate
    Taken you for a ride ever since the first date'
    Jake lived with his wife over at number six
    Trying to deny his wife’s infidelity but the voice insists
    'She’s a cheating bitch; you need to teach her a lesson
    The kind to strike fear & leave a lasting impression'
    Jake entered the bedroom clutching a steak knife
    Staring at his shaped wife, he'd known his whole life
    & something snapped, his right arm entered a frenzy
    Slicing and slashing her body until she was empty
    'You fucking whore, you cheating harlot'
    Each slash he made, painted white satin scarlet
    It seemed like an age, before the police arrived
    & among the metallic aroma was Jake, eyes glazed, crying inside

    6 Weeks later came the fire.....​

    Alice lived alone over at number thirty-seven
    A devote Christian & firm believer in afterlife & heaven
    She knelt in the middle of the vacant room, praying
    'Please hear me my lord, please hear what I’m saying
    The devils at work, I must purge with flames
    To serve you my lord, to break unholy chains'
    The whole room was rife with petrol fumes, her final wish
    She closed her eyes, listening as the gas taps hissed
    Then striking a lone match, her whole world turned white
    As flame greeted gas & joined together in flight
    The fire spread wild, engulfing all objects
    Remaining residents screaming, leaving the complex
    Days have passed, now a Smokey shell cleansed by the holy nation
    But word has it, the artists back & with an eye for renovation​


    [​IMG]
    test
  2. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    Hey man dope, destroy just to rebuild.. It had an erie Stephen king sense to it with some added colorful description.. Top drop
    test
  3. MrFlux001

    MrFlux001 Member

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2012
    Messages:
    207
    Kuja.... Kuja, I swear I know you from an old board from maybe 10 years ago or so, your join date convinced me I do. What were your old alias'? Was you at D12World/Fiendworld/RnR?

    This was an alright piece though the flow was choppy which interrupted the story to an annoying extent. The story itself was ok, some of the descriptive elements were decent but some just felt overly corny. I mean, I sincerely doubt anyone who's hacking his wife up would shout "you cheating harlot".

    Was this orignially in a topical tourney written from an image by any chance?

    For some reason I dug this line, though;

    test
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