Oh well.

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by GaLaTeA, Aug 22, 2012.

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  1. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA Well-Known Member

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    Messages:
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    While rappers are interested in who's wearing the crown,
    I'm interested in how much ozone layer is still hanging around,
    climate changes, but I'm not talking about the weather,
    I hold it in thinking »the less I know« the better,
    I'll go out forgeting what I'm doing there,
    try listening to music I can no longer bare,
    guys showing off agression with a drunken stare,
    humping over minors, club's white tie affair,
    I say goodbye as I no longer care,
    anywhere else is better, that's why I try to fold verses together,
    while everyone is still asleep, my pen sits firmly gripped,
    transferring rage across the page, ink ready to rip,
    the countless people who'd like to see me slip,
    studying my lines, looking for errors hoping it'll make me trip,
    but I'm well equipt, no need for reloading an empty clip.
    Please depict reasons that make this planet an ugly chick,
    and I'll list you reasons of why this world is a golden stick
    Earth's got enough water for all of us,
    but until air is being charged it won't create a buzz.
    Old generations were hanging from trees,
    enjoying winters even if there were no skies,
    nowdays kids don't take piss without twitting about a diss,
    lost on pills, going through chemical metamorphosis,
    such a deep abyss, adolescent years filled by grief,
    and look at me here not sheding a tear,
    for the next generation who's living in fear,
    I'll pick up my gear, secluded in nature, take off for a year,
    Trying to understand why tarnished minds bother to survive,
    a game of dice beaten them before they even wasted their lives.​
    test
  2. mr.redeyez

    mr.redeyez Member

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    Messages:
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    finally u spit something ma, i like this a deep thought piece of art keep it up.
    test
  3. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA Well-Known Member

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    Messages:
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    Thank you kindly for your feedback. :)
    test
  4. Chase Murda

    Chase Murda hostile enviroment

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    ohhhh shit the female version of chase murda is here
    all hail to the queen of this shit
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  5. GaLaTeA

    GaLaTeA Well-Known Member

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    :funny:

    Not exactly on your level when rhyming technicalities are concerned...one day though. One day.

    Thank you, Chase!
    test
  6. TreHolla

    TreHolla Member

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    i wanna hear it.
    test
  7. Split Eight

    Split Eight evilest of 9's

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    Oct 1, 2012
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    While rappers are interested in who's wearing the crown,
    I'm interested in how much ozone layer is still hanging around,
    climate changes, but I'm not talking about the weather,
    I hold it in thinking »the less I know« the better,

    nice nice, great opening

    I'll go out forgeting what I'm doing there,
    try listening to music I can no longer bare,
    guys showing off agression with a drunken stare,
    humping over minors, club's white tie affair,

    club's white tie affair is weird, I dunno what youre trying to say

    I say goodbye as I no longer care,
    anywhere else is better, that's why I try to fold verses together,

    eh

    while everyone is still asleep, my pen sits firmly gripped,
    transferring rage across the page, ink ready to rip,
    the countless people who'd like to see me slip

    sick

    studying my lines, looking for errors hoping it'll make me trip,
    but I'm well equipt, no need for reloading an empty clip.

    awkward

    Please depict reasons that make this planet an ugly chick,
    and I'll list you reasons of why this world is a golden stick

    swap chick and stick for two better words

    Earth's got enough water for all of us,
    but until air is being charged it won't create a buzz.
    Old generations were hanging from trees,
    enjoying winters even if there were no skies,

    this part was wack

    nowdays kids don't take piss without twitting about a diss,
    lost on pills, going through chemical metamorphosis,
    such a deep abyss, adolescent years filled by grief,
    and look at me here not sheding a tear,

    ok cool back on point

    for the next generation who's living in fear,
    I'll pick up my gear, secluded in nature, take off for a year,
    Trying to understand why tarnished minds bother to survive,
    a game of dice beaten them before they even wasted their lives.


    Awesome



    Yeah I liked it, that one part was forcing rhymes too hard but the rest is wicked good
    test
  8. MrFlux001

    MrFlux001 Member

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    Jul 31, 2012
    Messages:
    204
    The message was an apt one but the execution in writing it into a verse format wasn't the best. The rhyme scheme was just about tolerable in places but for the most part it was only really the last word of each bar that rhymed which I can't really be positive about. You had some very valid thoughts though which I agreed with, however it was a shame it couldn't be conveyed in a verse format I could vibe with. Keep it up.
    test
  9. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    woah, I just saw this...

    Keeping in mind that English is your second language, I'm quite blown away at this presentation...Nothing seemed to be lost in translation and your use of language is a gift.

    The stream of thought here was pretty intense and I think you brought out strong emotion with some good word selection. I remember you telling me once you were working on your rhyme, and I say to that that you are progressing rather well...I can only imagine you will get more liquid with more practice. Practice. Flow is just one aspect, and I think your idea delivery and content is above alot of kats here, no joke.

    I really thought this line had some good energy, among others:

    while everyone is still asleep, my pen sits firmly gripped,
    transferring rage across the page, ink ready to rip,


    Try to think of ways to get more multis in your writings, leaving strong rhyme alone.

    Great drop G
    test
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