~OceanBlues~

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by UFO the Phoenix, Sep 25, 2004.

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  1. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

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    OceanBlues


    I stand at the edge of the inkwell
    With a pen in one hand trying to think well
    The other hand is at my head holding seashells
    Listening to the secrets of the oceans in detail
    Where angelfish give me directions to buried treasures
    I once thought dolphins were very clever
    Until I discovered broken promises echo forever

    I wrote this letter for a friend hoping to get her
    But emotions wave to and fro so she never read it……………………….

    Now it just surfs in her ocean
    A hollow bottle with an empty message
    I was cursed by her essence
    Like the Pirates of the Caribbean
    Held hostage by the moon and my heart’s never leaven’
    You see my last companion was part human and dragon
    Mermaid mix stingray look her way your gone
    With Octopus arms and medusa like charm
    Hold hearts once radiant strong and warm
    Now turned into cold spheres of stone
    I was always to slow to respond like turtles
    Afraid to swim in her ponds
    Unsure of what we would spawn
    Now things are cold South Pole long gone
    Titanic like crisis be on my control
    No second chance No freebie
    Flying penguins swim by whispering

    “B e C a l m T a k e I t E a s y”

    I suppose our love was thrown in tidal wave 3D
    Trouble brings hurricanes murder things quickly
    Yet her beaches are golden - clear sand - knee deep
    Beauty unwoven into diamonds and pearls
    She doesn’t need me
    My roses disposed of like washed up sea weed
    Sunset’s graffiti
    Leaving the shadows of my memories greedy
    To remember her more
    This battle was lost before we reached shore
    Now I wonder the ocean floor with empty hands
    The hardheaded captain who waited to the last minute
    To abandon a sunken “relation “ship
    Now upset – feet forever wet – unable to forget
    Shipwreck in the Bermuda triangle
    Emotions holding regrets
    I found Atlantis in her kiss
    And her fingerprints left evidence
    For intelligence on the moon
    Now I cruise the lagoons open view
    Singing new tunes
    The seagulls label “Oceanblues”



    September 25, 2004
    test
  2. JBB Sports Man

    JBB Sports Man New Member

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    this was definitely nice man...loved the imagery and I thought the strongest lines were the last few...

    ============
    Emotions holding regrets
    I found Atlantis in her kiss
    And her fingerprints left evidence
    For intelligence on the moon
    Now I cruise the lagoons open view
    Singing new tunes
    The seagulls label “Oceanblues”
    =================

    The imagery was dope and the diction and content were really nice...keep it up...
    test
  3. Clarksvegas_Dan

    Clarksvegas_Dan Registered Voter

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    test
  4. niniane17

    niniane17 New Member

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    "She doesn’t need me
    My roses disposed of like washed up sea weed
    Sunset’s graffiti
    Leaving the shadows of my memories greedy
    To remember her more"

    the way i percieved this was even though she may not need you anymore, you still want and need her. it sounds like you were really in love with this chick (if in fact this poem is based on your own events.

    "Emotions holding regrets
    I found Atlantis in her kiss
    And her fingerprints left evidence
    For intelligence on the moon
    Now I cruise the lagoons open view
    Singing new tunes
    The seagulls label “Oceanblues”"

    and this made me think that you found everything in her, like when you were with her everything made sense.

    this was a nice piece. i was really feelin it. god bless
    test
  5. quotive

    quotive 3

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    Very descriptive.. Diggin' the nature stuff lol

    "Beauty unwoven into diamonds and pearls
    She doesn't need me
    My roses disposed of like washed up sea weed
    Sunset's graffiti"

    My favorite part^ You sure did put a lot of thought into this, hm? Good drop yo..
    test
  6. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

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    Tripl3....thanks for peeping...yeah I was working mainly on imagery with this piece

    really....thank you (you have the shortest replys but the longest poems...LMAO)

    niniane17....wow you hit it right on the nail!!!!...actually I didnt even realize it was that deep....lol...I was focused more on imagery

    quo....good looking out....yeah I worked on this piece all day the other day at work...and yea thats also my favorite part....gotta have a climax and gotta end it strong...at least thats what a great poet told me


    respect due

    thanks for the love and feedback

    PEACE AND GODBLESS
    test
  7. Phokus

    Phokus New Member

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    I found Atlantis in her kiss
    And her fingerprints left evidence
    For intelligence on the moon
    Now I cruise the lagoons open view
    Singing new tunes
    The seagulls label “Oceanblues”

    Damn, I liked, this sites poetry is so diverse from all the smaller boards, keep on goin UF, very discriptive shit and in depth, couldnt have been detailed better
    test
  8. BrokenSoul8604

    BrokenSoul8604 Apparently Emotionless

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    Sep 13, 2004
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    I stand at the edge of the inkwell
    With a pen in one hand trying to think well
    The other hand is at my head holding seashells
    Listening to the secrets of the oceans in detail
    Where angelfish give me directions to buried treasures
    I once thought dolphins were very clever
    Until I discovered broken promises echo forever



    that whole intro or first verse was just sick....just sick.....wow....nice drop i definately enjoyed reading it.....

    God bless
    test
  9. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

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    -How long have you been doin poetry? Just wondering because that was very interesting to read. You stuck to the subject without any probs and it made me think of a girl-underworld girl if it makes sense-you could never get to even though she was within your reach. Or like someone who suddenly passed away and she stayed with you for so long you denied it until she came and told you leave the past behind. IDK, poetry makes me think about the "unknown" Anyway-good thing I read this, Much Love
    test
  10. Poetickz

    Poetickz The Humble One

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    the imagery in this piece was real nice, very strong descriptions.

    was definatley relatin to this, pisses me off wheni run into these type of women, and i look back, and im like, ahhh she didnt give a shit. except i dont realise it while im struck...

    was definatley feelin this conclusion, describes exactly how i would be feelin while im tryin to attract this girl, shit feels great when you in there, but horrible after you leave it.

    overall this is a very original piece, mos def was feelin it man. keep doin you.
    one
    test
  11. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

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    phokus....thanks yo thats what I was shooting for

    brokensoul....yea the intro I wrote at school....and then the rest I wrote at work...thanks for reading

    Realms...you ladys can brake down these love poems I tell ya!!!!....it is about a girl that I can never have even though shes in my reach and we never truly ended....so now I struggle with leaving the past behind....good job...and I haven't been doing poetry to long just started getting into it...I normally made rap songs...but I'm bored with that and what to explore my talent to the max

    thanks ya'll for the love

    inspires me to write more



    *edit*

    Poetickz.....woooord up thanks for peeping yo....yeah I figure a few guys could relate to this....ya right we get blind by love when we in there and then when its over its not that easy for some to just forget

    thanks yo
    test
  12. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    "I discovered broken promises echo forever"

    Wow man, that's some real shit there man. I really can relate to that line. Broken dreams and promises stays with one forever man. You can either take it and use it to make you stronger or weaker.

    This piece was real nice man, read out smoothly for the reader. I kinda think the rhyming was a little too much though. That first stanza was my favorite, it set up the poem well. Imagery was on point. Keep this shit up

    One luv
    test
  13. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

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    mind soul......thanks for the feedback....yea I think I rhyme to much in my poems...(I'm a rapper turn poet)...and the intro and body of the poem were written at different times and put together when I figure where I was going with this


    respect

    (uppin for the last time)
    test
  14. nathedawg

    nathedawg New Member

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    im gonna agree with mindsoul on the too much rhyming, that is for this piece anyway, it seemed like alot of it was kind of forced, but in the same note you did a very good job with the intro and working out the whole story.... it was put together very well... I can see where you used to write raps, it spills out in this piece, not meaning anything bad, just stating what the reader sees....

    and oh yeah thanks for the feed on my pieces, ill fo sure hit you up more in the future with replies

    continue to write...
    test
  15. Sun_Flower

    Sun_Flower Bluez By Loves Eye

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    Very nice piece, indeed. Imagery was clear as the ocean and the blues is tight in how you express such emotions. As you state "Emotions holding regrets" sumd up this piece. Good one, I enjoy'd this piece.
    test
  16. MISSKEYdaQUEEN

    MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther..

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    Your vocab and imagery are quite impressive. The whole plot was very unique.


    "Now upset – feet forever wet – unable to forget"

    that line really did something for me!!

    This is a hot joint here!!
    test
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