(my wurdz) "Da Boy"

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Southern_Dirty, Jun 20, 2003.

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  1. Southern_Dirty

    Southern_Dirty -="Too Dirty fo Ya'll"=-

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    Jun 20, 2003
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    There once was a boy who thought life was absurb
    He imitated another rapper's lyrics he heard
    he stuttered and then was lost of words
    cuz he went from da hood to da suburbs
    He changed to the high life from the side of the curbs
    he forgotton what the hood taught and learned
    then the hood caught up with the boy
    and he was trickin' with the wrong people gettin annoyed
    cuz in a second there will be lead
    lead that shot this boy dead
    it smacked this boy right in the head
    cuz of all the things he filled in his brain
    more important gettin caught up in cocaine
    for now this boy will stay unnamed
    cuz he thought the gangsta life was all the same
    so he never thought when the gun cocked
    that life for him will end like tupac's...
    RIP Jason Torress - much love


    BTW- I'm new ya'll so what up!
    test
  2. augee.ali

    augee.ali Lively Up Yourself...

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    It's cool dog, for what it is...it was a simple piece, written in couplet format, but it had a nice theme to it. I give it 2 snaps. Keep writing.
    test
  3. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    nice piece, reminds me of some people i use to know around here in these streets. Nice wordplay also..Welcome to the realm

    one luv
    test
  4. Johnnie French

    Johnnie French Voodooradio.podomatic.com

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    I feel where ya comin from in the piece and I feel the journey but I'd suggest you take that piece and make it into a story . I think that you have more to say then just that and I felt like I just got the skeleton. Definately a story would make that more powerful.
    test
  5. skandelous_lala

    skandelous_lala back from the dead

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    welcome!!!!!

    well i, like the others, thought this piece could be elevated a bit more...like you gave us the short view...i'm sure if you wanted to you could turn this into much more. but i was feeling it..maybe you said all you felt you could say at the point where you were writing it, but i just get the feeling you have more going on inside when writing this but maybe didn't know how to put it all out.
    test
  6. Southern_Dirty

    Southern_Dirty -="Too Dirty fo Ya'll"=-

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    Thank yall for the support I take the critism with love ya know keepin' it real. I write my poems from real life expierence u kno I lost my homeboy to gang violence. You kno what I'll turn it into a story fo sho.
    test
  7. varentao

    varentao New Member

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    Apr 24, 2003
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    Yeah, a simple piece with a strong message which i most definetly feel.

    If this is how it was meant to be, you know, just you getting it out, in the simplest way. Then so be it.

    But i feel you stuck way too rigidly to the rhyme scene. It actually disrupted the flow in a way.

    And was the word on the end of the last line meant to be 'absurd'?

    Was what it was, and i liked it for that...

    ..resp...
    test
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