My vacation pt. 2

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Feme Sole, Jun 1, 2003.

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  1. Feme Sole

    Feme Sole Mrs. _Evil

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    I wrote the first piece years ago......the second piece days ago.....theyre sort of connected though......

    _____

    A man disguised
    as someone who cared,
    asked questions,
    to figure out the mess.....
    that was me.

    (There to stay)
    (at least for awhile)

    I mostly played the piano.
    The keys were a little off.
    I liked it....
    because i could realate.

    Outside the walls at night
    talk was cheap.
    I sat in the room
    that was my room
    on the bed
    that was my bed
    and read cards and letters
    from those who cared----
    afterward.

    Slept in again,
    missed morning excersises
    refused to eat.......
    shes not right.

    (There to stay)
    (at least for awhile)

    why are you here?
    youre so pretty.....
    pretty people are allowed
    to lose it too.

    visitors i refused
    except for one,
    big mistake.....
    misplaced anger
    and my head no longer hung brightly.

    eat right, only sleep when told,
    one cigarette every three hours,
    smile, get dressed,
    dont wear that stupid gown all day.....
    get out of this place
    get out of this place

    should have stayed----
    the ride Home shook the flesh from my bones,

    (here to stay)
    (at least for awhile)
    _____

    Maybe I should call this place home.
    I was only here once before,
    but everything is so familiar. . .
    almost a diary of my life in theses walls. . .

    I played the piano again,
    the keys weren’t off this time…
    or maybe I’m not.
    I thought I needed him to fill the hole,
    but he didn’t make me feel whole.
    It still made me cry. . .
    So I had to run to my room and hide
    from that guy
    who pretends to care.
    In my room I could hear the crazy lady again.
    I didn’t like to look at her. . .
    because I saw my reflection.
    So I stayed in my room
    and looked out the window,
    Admiring my nice view of the hill
    where God must have sat
    after he created the rest of the world.

    The visitor came again
    to give me my ammunition (paper and ink pen)
    Because of him,
    I can make love to the world.
    I gave him his rib back. . .
    I dont need it anymore.

    And my head hangs brightly. . .
    test
  2. lpoet

    lpoet POET

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    i love um...second one was my fav though...shoulda posted them in two parts though......creative!...liked how u approaced this subject...came at it a different way then i ever have...keep it up

    fav line from pt I

    big mistake.....
    misplaced anger

    something bout that struck a cord.....

    part II

    I thought I needed him to fill the hole,
    but he didn’t make me feel whole.

    really felt that

    oh..and i loved your first few lines from the first poem...set it up nice....actually liked this so much im gonna read it again....lol

    UP
    test
  3. Feme Sole

    Feme Sole Mrs. _Evil

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    yeah i probably should have posted in two parts........i just put that line there to divide them......the first one is from 4 years ago but i went to visit the same place once again so i wrote a part two.......hopefully there will never be a part three lol

    thanks for your thoughts though......means something coming from you....
    test
  4. Complicated

    Complicated Free Aaarg

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    test
  5. TuNed RooT

    TuNed RooT Love is introduction ..

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    You've elevated since that other piece, so when you connected it, the second one was much better, because you grew your skill to become much more developed. Other than that, a piece worth reading, even though it was quite long. I found it being a nice concept, stayed on topic, and that's what I respected most about it. All of the poetic devices were onpoint. Other than that, decent piece, the eyes enjoyed. My blessings..
    test
  6. lpoet

    lpoet POET

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    couldnt have said this better myself...def elivated..thats why i liked pt II so much more...
    test
  7. masterragu

    masterragu Sweep The Leg, Johnny!

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    I think we might have discussed this the other day. At least in general i'm pretty sure. Well anyways...

    I really liked how your poems were written it definitly was something that I could relate to. I could see you growing from the first to last poem. See how you changed your way of thinking from the first time and were more independent when it came to dealing with your problems. I definitly can notice in the poems how you took what happened in your first experience and used it in a way that could help you grow. Definitly feeling these poems as always of course. It's hard to exactly pick one thing that is my favorite out of both pieces mainly because I think every part is necessary for the each poem to work in the best possible way. I'm definitly happy you are so damn strong I swear you inspire me to become a better person...

    Keep writing of course because you know how much I enjoy your work :)...
    test
  8. Lost Prophet

    Lost Prophet 11/04/2000 - 06/19/2009

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    Messages:
    19,999
    wow. This was real. Feme, this is probably the most emotional thing I've read from you. I'm sorry the whole situation had to go down like that. But like I always tell you on AIM, you're a strong person and keep your head up. Plus you know I'm always here for you.

    You know we still gotta do something together right?
    test
  9. ~S*T*A*R*M~

    ~S*T*A*R*M~ Goddess

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    [color=ffcc99]The last few lines in that made me smile! :) I liked it. You had some nice lines in there, too. Nice work.
    [/color]
    test
  10. Old Soul

    Old Soul Nipple Nibbler

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    27,298


    As Ragu said Independence

    Your metaphors are on point
    test
  11. BlackSoultan Ad Infinitum

    BlackSoultan Ad Infinitum aka Billy Shoreview

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    "Because of him,
    I can make love to the world.
    I gave him his rib back. . .
    I dont need it anymore.

    And my head hangs brightly. . ."

    *I turn and walk with my hands in the air, speechless*
    test
  12. Feme Sole

    Feme Sole Mrs. _Evil

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    okay now im completely flattered lol

    thanks for the love yall [heart]
    test
  13. FukkedUPKidR

    FukkedUPKidR Guest



    Awww =)

    I liked this because it was revisited , from then to now .. I liked both the piano parts about playing the keys..That was beautiful


    "Outside the walls at night
    talk was cheap. "

    Loving those lines...

    Your words were set up nicely so there are a lot of little lines I'm feeling ..Honestly your words I think I can relate to best..Just something about 'em


    Keep it up
    test
  14. Lyme

    Lyme Guest

    I care n sympothize.. it hurts when you hurt.. shorty keep your head up

    very great writing I must say..

    :)
    test
  15. GorillaThugMC

    GorillaThugMC Minotaur Orator

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    Liked the second poem more, but I've read the first one before!

    I did love this line from the first poem though..

    "should have stayed----
    the ride Home shook the flesh from my bones, "
    test
  16. V E R B

    V E R B Guest

    visitors i refused
    except for one,
    big mistake.....
    misplaced anger
    and my head no longer hung brightly.


    ^ favorite prt...
    test
  17. mocha_licious

    mocha_licious New Member

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    this was a good piece
    i felt your technique
    it was kind of out of bodylike you were talkin while outside yourself....
    you have finessed my mind with this one...


    ~mos def keep writin~
    test
  18. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    shit everybody said what i was going to say. Great work you got here feme, just keep ya head up. It gets greater later

    one luv
    test
  19. Feme Sole

    Feme Sole Mrs. _Evil

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    uh huh yup......you changed your avatar :) :) :)
    test
  20. Kato88

    Kato88 .....dreams.in.anime.....

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    i like it alot...i can relate to alot of it...i really loved the second half of part 2...i wish i could say alot more about this...grrr...i told you i sucked at replying to poems heh...you really are a poetic princess though...
    test
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