my last poem revised collab

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by unspoken1, Jun 2, 2003.

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  1. unspoken1

    unspoken1 Revolutionary Wordsmen

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2002
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    im first.....lilmama is second

    your smile is what does it to me
    or maybe its your eyes
    when i see you all i want to do is say i love you
    but i cant
    because i know you love him
    you love him through all the pain he causes
    so i sit through all the stories you needed to tell because im your friend
    hiding the pain that it caused when i found out that you were in love
    but not with me
    hiding the tears that i wanted to cry from you, just so i could be there in your time of need
    with every word you spoke it felt as if a little of me started to crumble
    "i love him so much"
    the words flew from you mouth like daggers aimed directly at my heart
    but i stayed strong for you
    because when i looked in your eyes i saw nothing but sadness
    and for me to tell you how i really felt would only bring more pain to your life
    and i would rather die than watch you suffer any more
    even though it hurts more than i ever could imagine
    i will continue to be there for you
    as a friend

    i wake up to him everyday
    i kno deep inside
    what he does
    fuckin sum slut
    raisin his hand at me
    but im too proud to ever admit it
    so i smile and pretend
    he pays my bills
    survival instinct tells me
    to take the hits take the bitches
    and smile
    i need him
    and you
    where can i begin
    i love your eyes your lips your smile
    when i catch you smiling at me
    i need nothing more then your breath
    but i cant be with you
    life just goes this way
    i guess
    2 different paths
    maybe in another life
    we were together
    king and queen
    but this life
    your my king of intellect
    ha and im tha queen of the ghetto
    of trash your too good for me
    and deep inside its obvious
    so i pull away
    and stay in this life
    i look in your ocean eyes
    with salty tears in mine
    and say "i love him"
    test
  2. *GeMiNeYeZ*

    *GeMiNeYeZ* ~§¤Sweet Shinobi¤§~

    Joined:
    May 19, 2001
    Messages:
    11,131
    pretty nice piece... i like the way its like two lovers expressing their love for each other though certain cirscumstances are in the way (hence her having an abusive man but cant leave him or whatever)... great job.
    test
  3. TuNed RooT

    TuNed RooT Love is introduction ..

    Joined:
    May 25, 2003
    Messages:
    869
    "i look in your ocean eyes
    with salty tears in mine
    and say "i love him""


    ^ Nice.. I was feeling how you used "ocean" and "salty tears", because the ocean is filled of salt water, good line. I thought lilmama could've worked on her rhyme scheme and organization/structure, but ofcourse it's how she wants the reader to flow with it, read with it, or just talk with it. I found it well orchestrated overall, though. You had a pretty good part, boo.

    As for unspoken1, I saw some of this before and you already know what I think, very good piece. I found it very relative to my life and the rhyme scheme was decent, pretty onpoint. This was also well orchestrated. My blessings, ya'll..
    test
  4. unspoken1

    unspoken1 Revolutionary Wordsmen

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    Messages:
    758
    thanks for the replies
    test
  5. skandelous_lala

    skandelous_lala back from the dead

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    Messages:
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    i liked this...the two different perspective kept this piece interesting..seeing one side and seeing the other so you get the whole story..good job.
    test
  6. lpoet

    lpoet POET

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2002
    Messages:
    12,678
    dope....seen it the other day but didnt have the time to read it....lovin how this is put together...keep it up...still waitin for the collab...
    test
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