Mitch Hedberg is the funniest comedian Alive... uhhh...

Discussion in 'The Alley' started by Nitsuj™, Aug 13, 2005.

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  1. Nitsuj™

    Nitsuj™ We Are The Resistance

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    that's right, he died. but oh well. He made a couple of CD's before his acid laden heart finally gave out...
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    "One time the power went out in my house. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich & took 65 pictures of my kitchen."

    "Search Party of three"

    "A tent is not a good place 4 an argument. I tried to walk out on her & had to slam the flap."

    [​IMG]

    "Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."

    "Women are like parking spots…all the good ones are taken…and the rest are handicapped."

    "Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses."

    " I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others. "

    "I used to do drugs. I still do. But I used to, too."

    "This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard. "

    "I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

    "I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying... You're supposed to yell 'FORE!', but I was too busy sayin 'there is no way that is gonna hit him' "

    "I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D"."

    "I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly..."

    LOL
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  2. Nitsuj™

    Nitsuj™ We Are The Resistance

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    "I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day..."

    "I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips... "

    "The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.""

    "My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first. "

    "I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. "

    "Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree..."

    "I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "

    "I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. "

    "I bought a 3-piece bikini. It's a top, a bottom, & a blindfold 4 u."

    "I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff."

    "I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible."

    "This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!""

    "This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were! "

    "I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!"

    "As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em."

    "I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.""

    ....."A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer"
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  3. Nitsuj™

    Nitsuj™ We Are The Resistance

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    "I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. Sometimes I'd rather light a stick and have my roommates wake up with false hopes."
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  4. Nitsuj™

    Nitsuj™ We Are The Resistance

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    "If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association."

    "They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that."

    "I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!""

    "The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. "

    "Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." How you'd pull that off? What's that camera look like?"

    "Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.""

    "I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing. "
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  5. DiZahStur

    DiZahStur Wears Orion's Belt.

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    hahaha

    I love dry humor dude.

    This shit's funny as hell to me.
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  6. ClevlandSteamer

    ClevlandSteamer New Member

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    I went gambling... I'm not addicted to gambling, but I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

    I dont wear a watch because I want both my arms to weigh the same. So if someone asks me what time it is, I gotta tell them something thats happening. "Hey Mitch, what time is it?" "Uhh... that guys eating a sandwich."

    I dont play tennis, because no matter how could I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

    I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

    I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidently wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away

    I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something.

    I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology.
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  7. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    hedburg really is the shit

    i saw the flap one live lol
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  8. Jaded Conceptz

    Jaded Conceptz ....

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    Hahahha. That's some funny shit..
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  9. Dexter Unitas

    Dexter Unitas New Member

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    i bet black people find him unfunny.
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  10. Snikka

    Snikka Vision Action Execution

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    very true.


    what's keeping DL Hughley alive on comedy central?


    I haven't watched it yet, but I guarantee I'm representing upwards of 30% of the white population who may have watched it.
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  11. Nitsuj™

    Nitsuj™ We Are The Resistance

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    I bet that comment about black people could also be a stereotype, but for the most part true.
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  12. Nitsuj™

    Nitsuj™ We Are The Resistance

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    Besides, you're likely to find most of the jokes I quoted unfunny because 90% of this fuckers jokes are in his delivery...

    you HAVE to hear him to actually make jugdements!
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  13. Nitsuj™

    Nitsuj™ We Are The Resistance

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  14. Killa Beezee

    Killa Beezee Niners all the way

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    I'm black and I think he's fuckin hilarious.

    "I like vending machines because food always tastes better when its dropped. Sometimes when I'm in line at the grocery store I drop my food so it can reach its maximum flavor potential. They should make vending machines that drop vending machines."

    "A guy once asked me if I wanted a frozen bannana but I didn't want it so I said no. But I wanted a regular bannana later so I said yes."

    Hilarious
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  15. Biggedawgg

    Biggedawgg fuck mexico

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    what the fuck is a sesame?!
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  16. In-Awe.

    In-Awe. .. Speak On It..

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    Hahahahaha.. Thats Too Funny..

    Gone
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