Missed

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Jay Bee, Apr 5, 2011.

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  1. Jay Bee

    Jay Bee Boricua

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    Missed

    Dedicated to Christopher Sanchez (R.I.P.)


    I’ve been deprived of blood like an anemic
    its crazy how it takes a tragedy, just to conceive it
    now we cry rivers of sorrow, cuz its hard to believe it
    get the message? don’t waste life, but be highly strategic

    i reminisce about old times, and it gives me a saddened mood
    but like you said “always keep a positive attitude”
    show gratitude, cause before we had no food
    We used to sit there wondering when hunger be at it soon

    But now I pull the plug, the river will soon desiccate
    The Grim Reaper found you, an illegal twist of fate
    so life must go on, as im relieved of a triste state
    Cuz one day we will reunite at heaven’s gate
    test
  2. Jay Bee

    Jay Bee Boricua

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    comments???
    test
  3. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

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    Decent, but try to avoid cliches. I find myself wanting to write like I talk with cliches and idioms, but then I go back and try to re-arrange it to be completely original. The only way I would accept cliches is if you utilized it some sort of wordplay, however, you are not doing that in this peice.

    Example: "Life must go on" Utilized too much in every day speech to be deemed original. Surely, you can use it as it is in the public domain, but it is not original, the least bit. When writing try to make ALL of your words original. This helps take way from elementry tones in your writing. I know its something small but for me it really matters. I am not taking away from your poem it is very well thought out and developed and I really like the message.

    This leads me to my second problem....YOU GAVE AWAY THE THEME IN PLAIN TERMS! "get the message? don’t waste life, but be highly strategic" DONT DO THAT!

    Metaphors and symbolism is what makes a writing poetic. Don't give your readers that much help, they will become bored. I suggest trying to be more poetic. Don't get poetic confused with big words or inflated diction. Sure, the use of uncommon words is a good way to remain original in the deliverance of your message but it is not by any means a sure fire way of being poetic.

    Like I always say, "don't tell me what happened SHOW me what happened."
    test
  4. Jay Bee

    Jay Bee Boricua

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    thanx ill remember this when i write my next piece. i wrote this like 6 years ago when i was 15
    test
  5. Jay Bee

    Jay Bee Boricua

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    thanx ill remember this when i write my next piece. i wrote this like 6 years ago when i was 15
    test
  6. Hank

    Hank i trane ufc bro

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    Garbage

    sent from hypno's dungeon tbh
    test
  7. Prophetik1

    Prophetik1 New Member

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    test
  8. Jasoncrets

    Jasoncrets New Member

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    lol at you stealing rhymes from the sickest rapper out... Novi Novak
    test
  9. Jay Bee

    Jay Bee Boricua

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    i have no idea who Novi Novak is...i dont steal lines. i dropped this poem 6 years ago on a site called Underworld Emcees
    test
  10. SIZZLA

    SIZZLA New Member

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    ive been saying this for 10 years... ie how people use the word "like" in poems raps or whatever... so cleche....
    test
  11. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    the most immediate thing I love and recognized about this is that it was written so well that the readers attention never lost sight of your words. It kept me in. GOOD job on that.

    The end was OK, you could have added a real thought provoker to close.

    The as this sits, good piece of writing.
    test
  12. Jay Bee

    Jay Bee Boricua

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    test
  13. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

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    i like your short and sweet verse. you should join the league.. we need writers. and its fun.
    test
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