Mini - ME

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Sole Sovereign, Nov 2, 2004.

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  1. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

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    "Mini Me"

    nervous, dreadfully nervous. the deed was done,
    love and ardor we endured to conceive this son,
    grief has sunk my love; horror curdles my veins,
    you, my one love your life now whirls in the drain,
    scrubbing my hands, cant rid the swirls, the stains,
    insane? hearken, though you may fancy me mad,
    midwives fainted from that evil glance that he had,
    entranced, im his dad. his figure was disconjointed,
    your all i ever wanted. monster, disappointment,
    imperfect, hideous beast. his complexion got worse,
    you ate your mothers insides, torturer, god's curse,
    his condition decreased, oh how grossly it fell,
    my senses sharpened i heard all, mostly in hell,
    very stealthily i inched the door open a crack,
    carpet crunched beneath, light showed in the back,
    silhouette of my failure, paralyzed by deep fears,
    look into my eyes love, as he dies lick his sweet tears,
    behold his cradle, the axe head wrapped in flesh,
    ugly death, sweet lovely death just one last caress​
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  2. Sykda

    Sykda New Member

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    Aight.. Real nice.. You have done a deed.. What deed? And it has something to do with your son.. Real nice line.. Gets you right on topic and fast..


    Sounds like something happened that went wrong. Like you made a mistake.. Sounds like you were holding the mother or something because she died giving birth or something..


    Now it sounds like a murder.. Like you didnt hold your sons mother as she died, but you killed her.. Imagery reall ygood..


    Now the imagery switched from either you killing yoru son or you watched as your son entered the world and he did not reach your expectations and giving birth killed yoru wife... I like how it plays on different images.. You havent clearly stted what you haven been talking about..

    Now the image is just your wife giving birth and she dies and the babys retarded or deformed or somthing..


    Weakest lines.. Kinda of confuised me.. I could see what you were saying..


    Whos room you sneaking in? Sounds like you breaking in or something.. Or your entering heaven or hell cause you died..


    1st line was amazing... The second one just makes you sound "sick"... I like it though..



    You killed the baby? Thats what I took it as... Now its all clear to me.. Everything in the poem is now clear..


    I think this makes you sound like a sick fuck for even thinking about murdering ababy even if it just a poem. I hate when people talk about slaughtering babies and shti... Read below..

    Personally I didnt like the poem.. I did as a poem, but Ive have bad memories of my baby brothers death so I personally felt uncomforable reading the lines.. Especially since my baby brother was born with his intestines on the outside of him and the baby in this one was hideous looking..... So it really reminded me of him.. I felt sick reading this...
    As a poem, it was good, but I hated it because of personal experince..
    Put a warning or someth8ing next tiem saying something about sick shit or something so that i know not to read it..

    As a poem I thought it was good because it was good imagery...
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  3. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

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    I don't edit or change my art for the fear of upsetting somebody. You ever think that I might have felt I killed my son? Maybe the axe was a metaphor? You have/had a deformed little brother? I lost my son. This piece was expressive and me venting. I write poetry for me, that's why I am not a professional poet, because I don't cater to a target audience with my poetry.
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  4. absolute zero

    absolute zero Among the living

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    i liked the poem...not in a sick and twisted way though...

    to me, it sounded like you killed the kid.

    Was it about abortion? there was a line about eating his mothers insides....

    Did you kill the kid because directly or indirectly he killed his mother-your wife?

    those are a few guesses...but maybe i'm way off and read it wrong

    God Bless
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  5. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

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    It states that I killed my son. He killed his mother. I made him what he was, so in essence... I killed them both. I lost em both at the same time. I called the poem Mini - Me because I felt that my son was going to be my mirror image, but I gave him that extra cell that brought about the deformity that killed him and his mother. So yeah, I guess I am a "sick fuck" as Sydka put it.
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  6. lpoet

    lpoet POET

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    man man man..

    this is incredable...i've never seen so much in such a little poem...i was sort of at a loss for words when i first read this b/c i loved the story..creativity like this is not seen in the realm to often...

    disgusting story though..lol..ut i loved it
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  7. quotive

    quotive 3

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    Crazy..

    I like how you described this. I wouldn't call you a "sick fuck" because you're expressing yourself w/ creativity. Nothing wrong with that.

    I think you could have described the murder scene a little more though. The light creeping in or w/e part was crazy.. I loved how you put that in there.. Ill..
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  8. Anaphora

    Anaphora was here

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    Well, you're critical of others, so I hope you can take this... first off, you only have a single period in the first 7 lines, then three in a row, then no more. The punctuation is not consistent... the rhyme is forced, not saying that it creates awkward syntax, but it makes you turn parts of the piece into a listing instead of something more fluid... ok, by couplets pretty much...

    nervous, dreadfully nervous. the deed was done,
    love and ardor we endured to conceive this son,
    -should be we had endured... the tenses are in conflict.

    grief has sunk my love; horror curdles my veins,
    you, my one love your life now whirls in the drain,
    -missing a comma, after my one love, and even there, the 'my one love' is extraneous, that is the third love in the first four lines, and you already called her your love.

    scrubbing my hands, cant rid the swirls, the stains,
    insane? hearken, though you may fancy me mad,
    - suddenly we are transported to the seventeenth century. Hearken? Fancy you mad? then the next line midwives... archaic language has no place here. It has no place anywhere except perhaps in period pieces.

    midwives fainted from that evil glance that he had,
    entranced, im his dad. his figure was disconjointed,
    - disconjointed is not a word, disjointed, sure, discombobulated, sure, discontented, yup, but not disconjointed. And then he doesn't HAVE a glance, he gives a glance.

    your all i ever wanted. monster, disappointment,
    imperfect, hideous beast. his complexion got worse,
    - you're, minus the comma after imperfect. got worse is pretty weak wording.

    you ate your mothers insides, torturer, god's curse,
    his condition decreased, oh how grossly it fell,
    - OK, it's either you or him, can't be both. And then you're double stating that the condition decreased... one or the other, and expand on it.

    my senses sharpened i heard all, mostly in hell,
    very stealthily i inched the door open a crack,
    - you hear what's in hell? Or you are feeling mostly in hell, if you hear what's happening in hell... why? What's happening in hell? that has no relevance here... put there just for the rhyme.

    carpet crunched beneath, light showed in the back,
    silhouette of my failure, paralyzed by deep fears,
    where's the light coming from that it's silhouetting a baby? Who's in a crib I can only assume, unless it's your wife, you haven't been entirely clear up to this point just what happened.

    look into my eyes love, as he dies lick his sweet tears,
    behold his cradle, the axe head wrapped in flesh,
    ugly death, sweet lovely death just one last caress
    -this too is ambiguous. caress the son? basically, what you're saying is you hit your son with an axe, yeah, I'm sure it's not necessarily literal, but it's also not a great metaphor... if you could extend the axe through a little earlier in the poem it'd make this much better.

    To afford the rhyme in this, you make it very stop and go, which counteracts the rhyme's "flow"... the idea of having bunches of rhymes is to keep the reader moving and get a rhythm, but if they have to pause two or three times a line for commas, it doesn't do that. People make that mistake all the time in RSTL. This is more of a verse than a poem because you sacrifice much for the rhyme, you'll probably disagree, but it's true. The lines aren't as fluid as they could be without having to work in rhymes.
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  9. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

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    Well I thank you for the spell check, but I could have got that from Microsoft word. The rest of it i'll just let stand. Well all but the part where you tell me this isn't a poem. Who are you to or where has poetry been accurately defined? Oh and the part where you talk to me about flow, i'll just ignore that part untill I see something of yours that flows. Untill then, I'll consider myslef the authority on flow between you and I. Read the rest of my pieces and try to contest that statement. Anybody can pick apart art, that's not being critical. Again, thanks for the f7....

    I'd really be interested in seeing what you think about the rest of my pieces and am curious as to why you picked this particular poem of mine to critique. I have several others. This one was just the most important to me and I shared it at the request of another.

    ***still laughing at the part where you talk to me about the flow of a piece***
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  10. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

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    Oh and they had the same problems in the RSTL when I was the title holder there for 11 weeks. When there was originality in the open mic and lyricism through out the board.
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  11. Anaphora

    Anaphora was here

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    Regardless of what the RSTL was like (11 weeks? What's your other name? Peril? The commas DO slow the read down. there's no way to get around that, they DO make pauses. You ARE vague on key details, and let them remain ambiguous, intending them to be implied, but there's not enough to really imply them. As far as the part about it not being a poem, I didn't say it wasn't a poem. I said it was more of a verse than a poem. I say that, knowing exactly what I'm talking about. I've had pieces that were originally RSTL verses published in journals, BUT, usually the word is that the rhyme draws attention to itself, just like when people abuse alitteration, and these days in the literary market, it's frowned upon to draw attention to literary devices. That's why when you read sonnets the rhyme is pretty much always muted with enjambment these days.

    I commented on this piece because it's the first one of yours I've seen, but I don't scour the boards looking for ForW0rd... I just wanted to see what your poetry was like, after all the comments you made. I liked this, but it was too vague, and needs more detail, and I'd like to see less doublestating, but to each their own...

    And if you care so much about this piece, why haven't you spell checked it?
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  12. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

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    Interesting poem

    I dont wanna get all deep into it like everyone else....I love your work personally and this piece was nice

    It flowed very smoothly to me and you said alot with it being so short?!....

    twisted topic your titles always throw me off and you always bring something original to the realm

    keep writing for you man

    peace and godbless
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  13. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

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    Well I guess I will have to go to the majority on this one and consider it a success, but I am sure Anaphora thinks we are all uneducated and know nothing about art.

    Thanks UFO and all the others who offer your support.

    Anaphora this will be the last time I say anything to you. You are the embodiment of the phrase "Those who can't do teach." You're a mediocre poet and I’m sure a half way decent writer. So I will leave you with a little bit of knowledge. Some of the greatest poets to ever bless the page have ignored grammatical rule as it has no place in art. It’s easy to pick apart a piece, I mean I’ve dissected Justine and it’s probably one of the greatest literary accomplishments since the bible. But being original and coming into your own style of writing is difficult. In spite of all this, I am sure you’ll continue to stick to hiding behind literary tools and probably end up being a technical writer or authoring the instructions for the assembly of toilets. So to you I bid a farewell. (Out of period… whoops).
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  14. Anaphora

    Anaphora was here

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    I'm seriously disgusted I wasted all that time giving you an in depth critique. You're obviously someone who gets so attached to their babies that they can't bear to see any flaws in them... and sure, the pun is intended... telling me I hide behind literary tools when you litter your piece with hip hop acceptable multi's... seriously home slice, send this out to some journals for publication, and it'll get returned 10 times out of 10, I guarantee it. You haven't taken a single piece of advice in this thread, and have instead used to it say "you're wrong, my art's perfect." Sydka had good comments not about your content, and you ignored them, instead attacking him for saying he didn't like the content. Straight up, you're a dick who's going to forever keep writing as a 'hobby' because you're unwilling to learn from people who don't have more 'education' than you. Writers learn by reading, and listening... and you've only got one of those going for you buddy.

    You should start a forum called "Lets tell each other how great we are," and post shit there if you're not going to accept any criticism.
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  15. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

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    I've had 3 novels published and I make my living as an author. I'm not a starving artist, because I write poetry as a hobby. You didn't offer any critique you simply found something wrong in EVERY couplet. Is that helping? Because I guarantee I could do the exact same thing to any piece you ever posted, especially that crap you put up in the RSTL. Just a little tip for you, you might not be so starving if you through a little urban flavor into your work and tried to get it published in something aside from a journal. You can't really apply grammatical rule to an art form. To do so would mean you feel you can define wrong or right expression and that makes you a fool. If you want a contest of flow and content set up a storytelling battle and I promise I’ll slaughter you. You are posting on a hip hop forum and the main medium of expression here in the realm is urban. You want contemporary crap, go elsewhere. I'll wait 24 hours before I ignore you from here on out, if you decide to post the storytelling battle be sure to do it before then.

    Peace.

    P.S. - I have my BA from LSU. That makes you more educated than me?
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  16. quotive

    quotive 3

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    Exactly my thoughts on Ana... he's on some shit. The two or three poems I read from him weren't THAT great. Not everything has to be perfect. You can't fully express yourself under some strict code of conduct. Chill out Ana.. You did the same thing to my piece, and then talked about Christmas in October, which in essence, MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Whining about commas and spell check makes you look so disrespectful.

    Some people are just so judgemental, damn. Ease up.
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  17. Anaphora

    Anaphora was here

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    Know what, my bad guys... sometimes I forget that a lot of people have never been in a real workshop... so everything I say is taken as a shot at the writer... it's not. The deal is, usually when I read something, if it's horrible, I'll be short, say what I liked, and be done with it... if something is good, or has potential, I'll give a detailed response, listing pretty much the only things that I can see that are wrong, or off... this is supposed to be helpful, because the writer obviously knows what they're trying to say, it's their idea, but as a reader, you don't always know what's trying to be said, because you're not in the writer's head, and only have what they've written to guide you. As for spelling and commas, again, they're things that don't look professional, and some journals will immediately not accept a piece if they see it, it's kind of ABOUT respect. When I point out little details that means that in general, the piece is good, and there's only minor things to be fixed. It means that I care enough about others perfecting their poems to spend time I could be writing with, to help others pick out small things, like I would like others to do for me... broad statements like 'it doesn't flow well' or 'I liked it' are not helpful... if something is a completed work, then say so I guess, because on a message board, usually everything is posted for help, and usually with small things, otherwise if you don't like the idea at least, why post it? This is all getting way out of proportion... either take the constructive criticism, or don't and just say 'I don't want any criticism' and I will never bother replying to one of your poems... simple as that.
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  18. Sporadic

    Sporadic New Member

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    I'm choosing to just post this whole poem because it was such a great work of art:

    nervous, dreadfully nervous. the deed was done,
    love and ardor we endured to conceive this son, <----i like how you said this shit, love and ardor, very nicely done...

    grief has sunk my love; horror curdles my veins,
    you, my one love your life now whirls in the drain, <----I remember that's how my ex felt when we were pregnant...i can relate man, good shit...

    scrubbing my hands, cant rid the swirls, the stains,
    insane? hearken, though you may fancy me mad,
    midwives fainted from that evil glance that he had,<----rhymed NICELY, and the midwives thrown in was an extremely nice touch, i thought...

    entranced, im his dad. his figure was disconjointed,
    your all i ever wanted. monster, disappointment, <----wow...a nice twist to the poem, and I must say that this was when I REALLY started paying attention on the first read...once again, just how you're making the rhymes is perfect

    imperfect, hideous beast. his complexion got worse,
    you ate your mothers insides, torturer, god's curse, <----once again, just another great line...i'm loving how you're making this shit rhyme together...

    his condition decreased, oh how grossly it fell,
    my senses sharpened i heard all, mostly in hell,
    very stealthily i inched the door open a crack,
    carpet crunched beneath, light showed in the back,
    silhouette of my failure, paralyzed by deep fears, <----i love how you said "paralyzed by deep fears"..."silhouette of my failure" is also very nicely worded

    look into my eyes love, as he dies lick his sweet tears,
    behold his cradle, the axe head wrapped in flesh,
    ugly death, sweet lovely death just one last caress <----wow...great ending to an incredible poem...this poem was flawless, and one of the best i've ever read...if you could, i'd like to hear the real story behind what this poem is about....if not, s'all good...but this was a great piece that i could really relate to, because my situation ended in an abortion, although i never did get to actually see the child, obviously...anyways, keep that ink rushing through ya veins man, you got a gift with words!
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  19. Sporadic

    Sporadic New Member

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    Ana's a MAN?! Dude's bitching like a muthafucka, I thought he was a bitch fa sho..and what kinda dude goes by the name anaphora anyways? peace...
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  20. MURDERGHOST

    MURDERGHOST New Member

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    Beautiful choice of words... i love reading pieces like yours...


    makes my mind roam... yes... roam with the winds...



    ...sincerely...
    a night of sin...begans!
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