Mentally Damaged

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by K0mPleX, Feb 5, 2012.

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  1. K0mPleX

    K0mPleX New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2000
    Messages:
    198
    As I walk through the valley of shadows of death, I fear no evil
    I walk with a chip on my shoulder, as the heart grows colder
    Actions grow bolder and wiser, as boy wonder gets older
    Fuck baby steps, I'm running circles around my rivals
    Leaving no cut-through trail, my stamina never runs stale
    Try to decipher me like brail; I'll have you permanentally derailed
    I'm underground, I can't be reached
    I'm spacebound, I can't be breached
    Won't catch me in the streets, I can't be beat
    I'm discrete when I compete, with the purpose to mistreat
    Walk with me, NEVER, I'm too clever
    Get close to me, NEVER, relationships I will sever
    I'm on a tear, approach with caution, fucker beware
    I'm broken beyond repair, wrecked over a twisted love affair
    It's a state of despair, a state of warfare
    I'm leapfrogging muthafuckers, drawing jaw dropping blank stares
    Anything goes, I'm walking around without a care
    I'm drifting away, bout to vanish into thing air!
    test
  2. DopeHopes

    DopeHopes KS [NC9]

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2012
    Messages:
    7
    Your lyrics are great but the flow is way off, try mixing it around.
    test
  3. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2011
    Messages:
    736
    well you obviously can rhyme words... but there was nothing that stood out.. the rhymes were relatively easy. you did rhyme more than just the ending words, but just rhyming them for the purpose of rhyming more doesn't help.. think about whether it adds or takes away from your piece. in this case, i'd say it took away from it.

    think about how to effectively say what you want to convey.
    i.e. "I'm leapfrogging muthafuckers, drawing jaw dropping blank stares"

    whatever you were trying to do with that second half... didn't work..

    keep writing!
    test
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