~Man Child In A Cold War~

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Mind~$oul, Jul 31, 2005.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2001
    Messages:
    17,331
    She stole a star or two
    to keep from being lonely...
    every tear can manage a story
    her tears are no different
    I tainted her innocence...
    and now she's starting to lose
    a grip of her image...
    as to whatever I see her as
    she's even more self conscious of it

    A new life has been conceived
    from the back seat of a grand prix...
    on a late night in June, while the
    summer breeze overwhelmed our bodies...
    and she vows to keep this one
    even if she can't keep me...

    I'm her sweetest thing
    and sadly she's my ex factor
    when i'm tired of chasing after...
    these women who are useless
    to me after 15 minutes...
    she's alone during late nights
    and through morning sickness...
    she's weak without me and
    she begs that she needs me...
    while I'm hoping she changes
    her mind within 8 weeks...

    I took advantage of a person
    who needed a crutch...
    a person who never felt love
    and just like the many before
    she was caught up in my cold war...
    the demons against the broken pieces
    of my heart, where love doesn't last long...

    maybe until my second child is born
    test
  2. Bhitiah

    Bhitiah Powerful Scriptures

    Joined:
    May 3, 2004
    Messages:
    1,173
    Wow. This was crazy ..., Man, I really enjoyed this.


    "A new life has been conceived
    from the back seat of a grand prix...
    on a late night in June, while the
    summer breeze overwhelmed our bodies...
    and she vows to keep this one
    even if she can't keep me..."


    "I took advantage of a person
    who needed a crutch...
    a person who never felt love
    and just like that many before
    she was caught up in my cold war...
    the demons against the broken pieces
    of my heart, where love doesn't last long..."


    Damn, Is this real? ....

    This was hott, Forreal. ...Damn.
    test
  3. quotive

    quotive 3

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2004
    Messages:
    13,751
    "She stole a star or two
    to keep from being lonely...
    every tear can manage a story
    her tears are no different
    I tainted her innocence...
    and now she's starting to lose
    a grip of her image...
    as to whatever I see her as
    she's even more self conscious of it"

    Dope opening. Did you write some of this to Van Hunt? The first two lines remind me of "What Can I Say"... but anyways, I appreciated this stanza.. you can change a person, it's crazy..

    "A new life has been conceived
    from the back seat of a grand prix...
    on a late night in June, while the
    summer breeze overwhelmed our bodies...
    and she vows to keep this one
    even if she can't keep me..."

    A lot of details, nicely written. The last two lines made me say "Damn," which barely happens on here lol.

    "I'm her sweetest thing
    and sadly she's my ex factor
    when i'm tired of chasing after...
    these women who are useless
    to me after 15 minutes...
    she's alone during late nights
    and through morning sickness...
    she's weak without me and
    she begs that she needs me...
    while I'm hoping she changes
    her mind within 8 weeks..."

    Ahhh the Lauryn Hill classics. I was listening to "The Sweetest Thing" last night.. man great song. I didn't like the last two lines here, I mean... I do. But I just hate when men try to force abortion on women... I think it's fucked up... Keeeppp Yaaa Headdd Uppp.. yeah.

    "I took advantage of a person
    who needed a crutch...
    a person who never felt love
    and just like the many before
    she was caught up in my cold war...
    the demons against the broken pieces
    of my heart, where love doesn't last long..."

    Nothing special here, decent ending. I think you could have put a little more detail into this part to make it more powerful, but it works.

    "maybe until my second child is born"

    I think it'd be extremely hard on me to cherish a child that I wanted dead within 8 weeks...

    Good piece..

    and btw, I think the title doesn't fit the piece.. you always have weird titles man lol... but yo, nice work..
    test
  4. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2001
    Messages:
    2,931
    I really could relate to the honesty of this piece. Reality is there, didn't hold back the truth because of fear of acceptance. Even the most real have stuff they hide to insure the integrity of their visade. Seems you didn't have any masks on when you wrote this piece.

    You mentioned she is keeping "this one". Did you mean she had aborted or lost before? It makes a difference to me and changes the way I relate to the piece. Good looking out Soul.
    test
  5. ManMadeofAshes

    ManMadeofAshes *DREAMER

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2004
    Messages:
    635
    ahh nice poem. Some of it carried a feeling that made me think of something I would right (except obviously with another approach) I like the flow. Great imagery. I also like the way the ending seems to become less predictable. It was interesting and pulled of nicely.

    quotive got at all the quoteables, god bless his soul.

    dope drop man.

    -ashes
    test
  6. Bhitiah

    Bhitiah Powerful Scriptures

    Joined:
    May 3, 2004
    Messages:
    1,173
    Hmm, More people need to read this.
    test
  7. The Pharcyde

    The Pharcyde Giovanni

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2000
    Messages:
    387
    hmmm

    this was definitely a sad story.. i loved the imagery.. keep blessing
    test
  8. absolute zero

    absolute zero Among the living

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2004
    Messages:
    11,770
    Pretty deep.

    on a late night in June, while the
    summer breeze overwhelmed our bodies...
    and she vows to keep this one
    even if she can't keep me...

    that's crazy. I like your imagery, and the mood of this one was so sad.....seems to a be a trend for you. Nice drop.

    God Bless
    test
  9. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2004
    Messages:
    5,023
    I'm her sweetest thing
    and sadly she's my ex factor
    when i'm tired of chasing after...
    these women who are useless
    to me after 15 minutes...
    she's alone during late nights
    and through morning sickness...
    she's weak without me and
    she begs that she needs me...
    while I'm hoping she changes
    her mind within 8 weeks...

    I don't like quoting a lot of stuff, but this reminds me of Anthony Hamilton's "Charlene." The vibe of that song gave way to this piece. Damn, about time you write off to that Intro you wrote not too long ago. This was good, good read. Can't compare either one to each other either. The first part was beautiful man. I don't even know if this was intended to be a 'follow up' to the other piece, its more like writing about life and not the timeline. wtf?

    as to whatever I see her as
    she's even more self conscious of it

    this part esp. Crazy how when you're going through this type of stuff, you wouldn't think you were aware of what you were actually doing, not knowing you were hurting somebody, to go back later and reflect and be like damn. IDK, a lot of times I'd be the one at fault but I guess it was kind of 50 50 on that. Anyways, I like the title too. Keep writing.

    -Much Love
    test
  10. Wicked5744

    Wicked5744 Last I awoke, it was morn

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2002
    Messages:
    1,490
    Looking at the title I was totally expecting a different kind of concept. This was an ill drop though. Guilt ridden up in this one man. Makes me start thinkin bout what I've done that's fucked up somebody. Keep the ink flowin.1.
    test
  11. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 1999
    Messages:
    2,986
    Interesting

    oh its like that?

    First off love the title....and I love your creativity in this piece....something I've always admired about your work....str8 to the point with abstract real life imagery

    this was a touchy subject for me due to current love issues so I could mos def relate and love the metaphors you spruced thru out this one

    keep blessing us

    One
    test
  12. illpoetical

    illpoetical raising the bar everyday

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2000
    Messages:
    1,533
    i liked this alot very vivid and descriptive
    test
  13. skandelous_lala

    skandelous_lala back from the dead

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2000
    Messages:
    26,748
    I never know what to say to stuff like this b/c it's so personal and what makes it is what it is about rather than any way it is written.
    I think the honesty in it..is what spoke most to me.
    test
  14. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2001
    Messages:
    17,331
    Naw man I think you misread the poem. I'm not trying to force her to abort the baby. It's just more about me being scared of the possibility of becoming a father for the second time. Not every man is happy at the thought of becoming a father at first. Regardless if it's with a woman they really care about or not. But now I'm not trying to force abortion. Regardless the woman will always have the finale word in that anyway.

    Thanks for showing love peoples.


    One luv
    test
  15. Koban4max2

    Koban4max2 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2005
    Messages:
    140
    here:
    A new life has been conceived
    from the back seat of a grand prix...
    on a late night in June, while the
    summer breeze overwhelmed our bodies...
    and she vows to keep this one
    even if she can't keep me...

    those lines were effective..and I liked it. Tell you the truth, I don't know why I like it, but I do.
    I think it was the concept of it.
    test
  16. v0id

    v0id Everything

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2005
    Messages:
    57
    props to you. very well planned.
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)