Lyrical Sorcery V.S. Brit Boi Gee V.S. Anaphora

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Mind~$oul, Jun 7, 2004.

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  1. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    There is are different types of cinquains. Not jut one. I'll let this one stay
    test
  2. MANchyld

    MANchyld Guest

    True Story.... I'm a diabetic and I went into a diabetic coma a year ago

    Death
    Lights, Darkness,
    Hoping, Resting, Whithering,
    Entering gates for Eternity
    Soulful


    Your own Death is a subject most people will try to avoid
    until it's placed in their face as their life is destroyed

    I went to the doctor
    to get some prescriptions he offered
    He overbooked my appointment so I'm waiting
    This isn't a shocker

    I brought my lunch with me
    I already knew I'd be waiting
    Hadn't started to eat yet
    Watchin Jenny Jones, sipping juice... I start shaking?

    My blood sugar is low
    so right before I get to my food
    Hear my juice hit the floor
    I blackout and wake up missing a tooth

    There was no need for explanations
    I knew what had happened
    Three other doctors in my face
    NOW ready to do what I asked them

    But in the moments I was under
    I felt a brief escape from this world
    It was peaceful, beautful
    I only missed embracing my girl (my daughter)

    Was my subcounsious vision clear?
    Leading through heavenly gates
    or did my mind just paint a path
    to feel less pain through my fate

    Felt like my end was approaching
    my comprehension was closing
    Only had one wish
    For my daughter to eventually get where I'm going

    Started envisioning homies
    staring at my motionless frame
    wondering are my eyes closed
    or still open after closing my brain

    Haven't lived a religious life
    yet I start conversing with God
    The words came out naturally
    as if I had rehearsed them a lot

    Asking for his angels
    to watch over my daughter
    Feeling relief as he told me
    when she'd be joining her father

    Dipped in the Holiest water
    thought I was being reborn
    Realized I wasn't dead
    Just watched a play my diabetes performed

    Bringing a storm to my brain
    I remained focused on death
    Tripping off my sinful ways
    And not knowing what’s next

    Values for life increased
    appreciation for the simplest things
    And trying harder to accomplish tasks
    So I can live out my dreams

    My food now tastes better
    Enjoying the view of clear weather
    With clarity in my mind
    I’m no longer consumed to chase cheddar $$

    That near death experience
    really open my eyes
    And opened my mind
    I no longer feel dead and hopeless inside

    Telling myself everyday
    “I know I’m going to rise”
    But until then
    I keep my head above my shoulders held high

    I haven't died so there's not point
    in acting like I am dieing
    Death might be around the corner
    but so is the life I'm applying

    Death
    Spiritual, Rebirth
    Sleeping, Awakening, Dreaming
    The cycle of Life
    Rebirth

    g'luck fellas.... nice work
    test
  3. Subconcious

    Subconcious CiPrIoLa DyNaStY

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2001
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    1,044
    Okay, Well I promised the mods I would vote in one of my posts so I got to go through with it for the fact that I keep my word. I am against it though. lol.

    Note: I read this each 3 times because this was close and I just wanna say that all of these were great and that your effort was noticed on each.

    Anaphora- I think this was incredible. I liked how you used time as the essence of something we can not control and never will. I liked how you made it sound as if it was a playtoy for something/someone of a larger capacity. It was worded very well and was a very creative concept for "time". Really good write.

    Brit Boi Gee- I would have to say your piece was one I could have related to more than any other. I loved the rhyme scheme, it seemed like a perfectly cut jigsaw puzzle you put together without having to squeeze any of the pieces with the wrong ones. Your view on "suicide" was very interesting. Very great piece.

    Lyrical Sorcery- This piece completely hit home with me. From beginning to end. I absolutely love how descriptive you were of the incident and I suppose the reason that you were able to do so was because you said it really did happen. I think it showed raw emotion and told it as if it were a story that kept me on the edge of my seat. I loved how you used "death" as a near death experience. Great piece.

    Vote= Lyrical Sorcery
    test
  4. InTheStars

    InTheStars Reflective

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2004
    Messages:
    510
    I thought that each entry was very unique and each made me think in their own specific way.

    Anaphora- I really enjoyed reading this post. You made time seem as though I could actually feel him or see him. As I was reading it I started to become more observant that we don't really pay attention to time as it goes by and no matter how much attention we try to give it, it will still go on with or without us. Great post.
    Brit Boi Gee- The way that you depicted suicide was quite different and extremely great to me. I thought that everything flowed really nicely and well put together. Nice post.
    Lyrical Sorcery -This piece was great. I enjoyed reading it very much. The story (real life experience) told was like a mini movie in which I had a perfect seat. To go through something like that I can't even try to imagine. Real nice post.

    The effort everyone put in was great and I would like to vote for:
    Anaphora
    test
  5. nathedawg

    nathedawg New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2003
    Messages:
    1,804
    okay i see two peeps put their vote in;

    my vote is for brit

    nuff said
    test
  6. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    Looks like i'ma have to move this into the realm to get more votes.
    test
  7. allnakey

    allnakey Sex is no fun by yourself

    Joined:
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    Eh this wasn't the battle I thought it would be.

    Ana- I've seen you come much better then this, it was ok, not horrible, but not up to par with shit you have blessed the realm with before. For some reason your verse seemed really basic and not all that creative.

    Brit- Like ana I've seen you come a lot better then this, it was ok, but nothing really stuck out to me or hit me like damn.

    Lryical- You put up a real good verse and I can feel that. from the begining to the end I was all up in your piece, I guess it's kind of easier to write about a persona, experience. Anyways I thought you did great

    Thought the batte could only go one way, cause I was only feeling one of the pieces


    Vote: Lyrical
    test
  8. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    Winner=Lyrical
    test
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