Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Mind~$oul, Jun 7, 2004.
There is are different types of cinquains. Not jut one. I'll let this one stay
True Story.... I'm a diabetic and I went into a diabetic coma a year ago
Hoping, Resting, Whithering,
Entering gates for Eternity
Your own Death is a subject most people will try to avoid
until it's placed in their face as their life is destroyed
I went to the doctor
to get some prescriptions he offered
He overbooked my appointment so I'm waiting
This isn't a shocker
I brought my lunch with me
I already knew I'd be waiting
Hadn't started to eat yet
Watchin Jenny Jones, sipping juice... I start shaking?
My blood sugar is low
so right before I get to my food
Hear my juice hit the floor
I blackout and wake up missing a tooth
There was no need for explanations
I knew what had happened
Three other doctors in my face
NOW ready to do what I asked them
But in the moments I was under
I felt a brief escape from this world
It was peaceful, beautful
I only missed embracing my girl (my daughter)
Was my subcounsious vision clear?
Leading through heavenly gates
or did my mind just paint a path
to feel less pain through my fate
Felt like my end was approaching
my comprehension was closing
Only had one wish
For my daughter to eventually get where I'm going
Started envisioning homies
staring at my motionless frame
wondering are my eyes closed
or still open after closing my brain
Haven't lived a religious life
yet I start conversing with God
The words came out naturally
as if I had rehearsed them a lot
Asking for his angels
to watch over my daughter
Feeling relief as he told me
when she'd be joining her father
Dipped in the Holiest water
thought I was being reborn
Realized I wasn't dead
Just watched a play my diabetes performed
Bringing a storm to my brain
I remained focused on death
Tripping off my sinful ways
And not knowing what’s next
Values for life increased
appreciation for the simplest things
And trying harder to accomplish tasks
So I can live out my dreams
My food now tastes better
Enjoying the view of clear weather
With clarity in my mind
I’m no longer consumed to chase cheddar $$
That near death experience
really open my eyes
And opened my mind
I no longer feel dead and hopeless inside
Telling myself everyday
“I know I’m going to rise”
But until then
I keep my head above my shoulders held high
I haven't died so there's not point
in acting like I am dieing
Death might be around the corner
but so is the life I'm applying
Sleeping, Awakening, Dreaming
The cycle of Life
g'luck fellas.... nice work
Okay, Well I promised the mods I would vote in one of my posts so I got to go through with it for the fact that I keep my word. I am against it though. lol.
Note: I read this each 3 times because this was close and I just wanna say that all of these were great and that your effort was noticed on each.
Anaphora- I think this was incredible. I liked how you used time as the essence of something we can not control and never will. I liked how you made it sound as if it was a playtoy for something/someone of a larger capacity. It was worded very well and was a very creative concept for "time". Really good write.
Brit Boi Gee- I would have to say your piece was one I could have related to more than any other. I loved the rhyme scheme, it seemed like a perfectly cut jigsaw puzzle you put together without having to squeeze any of the pieces with the wrong ones. Your view on "suicide" was very interesting. Very great piece.
Lyrical Sorcery- This piece completely hit home with me. From beginning to end. I absolutely love how descriptive you were of the incident and I suppose the reason that you were able to do so was because you said it really did happen. I think it showed raw emotion and told it as if it were a story that kept me on the edge of my seat. I loved how you used "death" as a near death experience. Great piece.
Vote= Lyrical Sorcery
I thought that each entry was very unique and each made me think in their own specific way.
Anaphora- I really enjoyed reading this post. You made time seem as though I could actually feel him or see him. As I was reading it I started to become more observant that we don't really pay attention to time as it goes by and no matter how much attention we try to give it, it will still go on with or without us. Great post.
Brit Boi Gee- The way that you depicted suicide was quite different and extremely great to me. I thought that everything flowed really nicely and well put together. Nice post.
Lyrical Sorcery -This piece was great. I enjoyed reading it very much. The story (real life experience) told was like a mini movie in which I had a perfect seat. To go through something like that I can't even try to imagine. Real nice post.
The effort everyone put in was great and I would like to vote for:
okay i see two peeps put their vote in;
my vote is for brit
Looks like i'ma have to move this into the realm to get more votes.
Eh this wasn't the battle I thought it would be.
Ana- I've seen you come much better then this, it was ok, not horrible, but not up to par with shit you have blessed the realm with before. For some reason your verse seemed really basic and not all that creative.
Brit- Like ana I've seen you come a lot better then this, it was ok, but nothing really stuck out to me or hit me like damn.
Lryical- You put up a real good verse and I can feel that. from the begining to the end I was all up in your piece, I guess it's kind of easier to write about a persona, experience. Anyways I thought you did great
Thought the batte could only go one way, cause I was only feeling one of the pieces
Separate names with a comma.