this is going to sound pathetic. but if you havent even felt anything remotely close to this feeling, dont judge me. about 5 years ago i fell in love for the first time with a friend... and the worst pain in the world was not being able to have her. i was once the happiest person in the world, and after going through this [along with alot of other bullshit]...i was in the most pain in the world. i cant put into words my sorrow. 2 years of this hell past...and eventually my mind was shutting down. i started not to care about her...because it was too much pain. since my deepest desires were now gone, my emotions were starting to go away too. i was not happy at all but i didnt realize it. it was a situation that where i lost the pain, i lost all happiness too....so i was basically a zombie. this is how a person turns "wierd"...their emotions shut off due to trauma. ive been living in this zombie, unhappy like state for 3 years...and recently ive realized all these troubles and how i should be happy NOW...instead of waiting for some miracle to happen in the future. and suddenly ive started having all these emotions back... and sure enough, they are mostly about her. ive realized that i still love her, and ive realized that I can never...NEVER be happy without her. [the reason i shut off in the first place was when i started to believe i can be happy without her. i let go of my truest and deepest feelings...] I honestly believe it was the most powerful, deepest feeling any person in all of history has ever had [at least equal to]... Im tired of suffering. its either i feel the pain of not having her again...or I go on for the rest of my life emotionless. Im stuck, if i could go back ... i never would have met her. she ruined my life.