Look Down (Unfinished)

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by xCimmiCx, Jan 7, 2011.

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  1. xCimmiCx

    xCimmiCx ^¿~bless~?^

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    just an unfinished piece about my grandmother... passed away in august... i'll get to giving feedback shortly... just wanted to toss this guy up... its been since like 2004 - 2006 since i posted last!! :)

    If i could
    I would sit and talk for hours and wait for answers...

    and we could
    watch the stars and moons be our midnight dancers...

    oh how i wait
    for the next day we should meet and carry on...

    i swear i'll carry on!
    i'll carry on...

    -CimmiC

    jus lemme kno... i'll try and finish it...
    test
  2. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
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    midnight dancers as a metaphor in a poem about your grandmother really doesn't work. It takes the mood away. Seriously, think about it. Midnight dancers, as in strippers. Its a good metaphor but not for this poem.

    Also, more importantly, like i tell everyone....SHOW ME SOMETHING.

    There is no feeling in this. Don't just tell me you loved your grandmother, make me believe you loved your grandmother.

    I say you keep the basic idea but start over completely from scratch. You can definitely do it I know if you try. Set aside an entire night jsut to work on this poem. I'm sure your grandmother deserves it.
    test
  3. xCimmiCx

    xCimmiCx ^¿~bless~?^

    Joined:
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    well thanks for the input...

    but as stars, moons, planets move through space freely as a dancer would...

    also.. i was refer'n to shooting stars... no strippers haha.....

    and yes, i'll set it aside and finish her up...

    -CimmiC
    test
  4. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

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    I know what you meant....but its not always what YOU meant that matters. You have to think about the mood and vibe you are setting for the reader with each word you chose. That's what make the great poets great. Word usage, creativity, consistency....

    If you would have just said "Midnight Dancer" by itself with no poem, the conotation of that phrase would 9 times out of 10 be "stripper".

    You have to take that into consideration.
    test
  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    While I agree with most of Omegas critique, I do not agree with the metaphor 'Midnight Dancer' to be anything related to stripping. That is not how I see things. To each their own though.

    For me, that would be a cool metaphor for almost anything really. But you have to set up the delivery of that meta, so it can have proper impact. You gots to set imagery up. Its all a conspiracy lol

    Omega uncovered sexual innuendo in one poem I wrote here when I had no intentions of imply the sort! Again, to each their own.

    anyhow, I liked this and would like to see where you go with it.
    test
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