~Long Island Wars~

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Mind~$oul, Dec 2, 2005.

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  1. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2001
    Messages:
    17,331
    a childhood left hopelss
    like stray bullets to
    innocent children
    i walked to school on
    blood stained pavements
    ducked yellow tape and
    crossed chalk outlines to
    witness life's disgraces

    i sleep with a stainless
    Mind Corrupted

    by late night sirens
    early morning screams
    my mother's purple lips
    not lipstick, blunt licking
    chronic twisted
    chained by the threshold society
    has kept me in
    Contricted, like sonnets
    grudge matches between being
    a father and an alcoholic
    atheist, religious, or agnostic
    my mind state is not demonic
    i'm just bitter towards life
    a small taste makes me vomit
    The pain I love to hold
    my arms are too short to
    box with the inevitable
    21 years of wasted potential

    we wear mask
    to hide from reality's pain
    when the walls collapse
    we're left standing naked
    wishing the time would pass
    i'm still a young child
    stuck in my past
    yearning over could haves
    and what nots

    to die in one's thoughts
    to make answers clearer
    and dreams tasteful

    I am a wanderlust fool
    test
  2. Bhitiah

    Bhitiah Powerful Scriptures

    Joined:
    May 3, 2004
    Messages:
    1,173
    "grudge matches between being
    a father and an alcoholic
    atheist, religious, or agnostic
    my mind state is not demonic
    i'm just bitter towards life
    a small taste makes me vomit
    The pain I love to hold
    my arms are too short to
    box with the inevitable
    21 years of wasted potential"


    daaaamn



    "we wear mask
    to hide from reality's pain
    when the walls collapse
    we're left standing naked
    wishing the time would pass
    i'm still a young child
    stuck in my past
    yearning over could haves
    and what nots"


    I absolutely love your writing. Absolutely. Stay up
    test
  3. misspimp

    misspimp a.k.a KATURAH

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2003
    Messages:
    1,308
    we wear mask
    to hide from reality's pain
    when the walls collapse
    we're left standing naked
    wishing the time would pass
    i'm still a young child
    stuck in my past
    yearning over could haves
    and what nots

    to die in one's thoughts
    to make answers clearer
    and dreams tasteful

    I am a wanderlust fool


    damn mind im really feelin this piece.....i been feeling like this ever since i moved out of my moms home....its so much that not being taken care of and provided for by a parent teaches you in this life its too crazy...anyway thas how i can relate to this......flowed very well....and the word usage was tight.....loved it

    mad love
    test
  4. ~Eloquent

    ~Eloquent Narcissistic....

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2003
    Messages:
    4,076
    man i still feel like a young ass child to
    stuck in my second childhood so scared to let go...

    this was very gritty and honest
    which you are always very good at
    and i love grittiness
    cuz i feel you shouldnt reject what is their no matter what it is

    this was inspiring as usual....

    "grudge matches between being a father and an alcoholic"
    damn is that felt
    we all got to balance good and evil
    i might be smokin a ton of weed couped in a house for days
    and it feels like im wastin a ton of time...
    but at the same time i still want to help others and i still have a big heart....

    drug abuse from others around me has gave me a whole new perspective on life
    both good and bad...
    test
  5. allnakey

    allnakey Sex is no fun by yourself

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2003
    Messages:
    2,940
    I dont think a wander could come to these realizations and continue to wander. Choice of life man, they chose then it's on you for the next move. Anyways your piece have so much pain and confusion in them, like you can't see a way... it's just hard.


    Stay Up, Much Love, Peace
    test
  6. quotive

    quotive 3

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2004
    Messages:
    13,756
    I have to say, nice choice of words. I have a poem about something like this.

    "a childhood left hopelss
    like stray bullets to
    innocent children
    i walked to school on
    blood stained pavements
    ducked yellow tape and
    crossed chalk outlines to
    witness life's disgraces"

    This hit home, because I could relate the most. I loved the structure of this piece. Dope poem man.
    test
  7. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 1999
    Messages:
    2,986
    Dec 3, 2005 (respone for the day)

    ^gonna try to do this poem a day thing.....starting with you Mind Soul....and I live a busy life around here....2 jobs and full time student....but I still find time for my passion....POETRY


    a childhood left hopelss
    like stray bullets to
    innocent children
    i walked to school on
    blood stained pavements
    ducked yellow tape and
    crossed chalk outlines to
    witness life's disgraces

    ^this first stanza is interesting.....I get the image of dead kids....blood fire.....school shootings.....gang war out of control....and reality in a nut shell


    i sleep with a stainless
    Mind Corrupted

    ^WOW.....just sick

    by late night sirens
    early morning screams
    my mother's purple lips
    not lipstick, blunt licking
    chronic twisted
    chained by the threshold society
    has kept me in
    Contricted, like sonnets
    grudge matches between being
    a father and an alcoholic
    atheist, religious, or agnostic
    my mind state is not demonic
    i'm just bitter towards life
    a small taste makes me vomit
    The pain I love to hold
    my arms are too short to
    box with the inevitable
    21 years of wasted potential


    ^HERES WHERE THE POEM SWITCHES SPEED.....this is tight....I love the play on words.....the organized random rhymes even caught me off guard....this is something like Common would spit.....just blows me away.....I was a rapper for 7 years before I decided to focus more on poetry....and this style reminds me why I did that....cause rap is so limited....and with poetry you can really spread your wings.....this is wonderful.....and really is a new look into your own soul....you remind me so much of my cousins and family members who were past gang members turn good....dont go to church but would stop everything or break a arm to help the next man....they dont hate God or Hate life....maybe the only way to describe them is similar to this poem...."disgusted with life"

    we wear mask
    to hide from reality's pain
    when the walls collapse
    we're left standing naked
    wishing the time would pass
    i'm still a young child
    stuck in my past
    yearning over could haves
    and what nots

    ^another nice stanza......the mask thing is soooooooooooooooo cliche but you spin a 360 on it....."hide from realitys pain"....thats a interesting thought.....

    to die in one's thoughts
    to make answers clearer
    and dreams tasteful

    ^FLASHFLOOD

    I am a wanderlust fool

    ^wanderlust?.....interesting choice of words here.....you have a strong impulse to traval the world?...or maybe your thought life travels at impulse? which makes me think of what you were saying to B?....hmmm could this be another MIRROR ARGUMENT?!?!?!?....funny the ones who fight have the most in common just from different perspectives

    this poem got me buggin cause the possiblity of all its hidden meanings

    you could be the next shakespeare of harlem (the evolved Langston Hughes)

    stay up
    test
  8. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2004
    Messages:
    5,023
    Oh yes indeed. I should've waited but pshh.

    The pain I love to hold

    ^Yup. This single line says much. I attempted to write something today, but didn't get that far. About the same thing ^.

    The power in/of "I"-my writing teacher used to tell me if you knew how and where to use it, it would show for itself in how your poem reads. The 'literary style' and all that good stuff. I like the quick transition from "I" to "we" later on in this piece. It also reminds me of Dunbar's, but this is like straight talk. <--Continuance which makes it a little similar but this is more humble than enthusiastic. This is good.

    Keep writing Malik.

    -Much Love

    dang you for everytime you end a poem.
    test
  9. absolute zero

    absolute zero Among the living

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2004
    Messages:
    11,770
    Damn UFO. That's a long ass reply.

    I'm sorry to say that I can't do the same. I'll be talking to you on AIM about this one.

    Bless.
    test
  10. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2001
    Messages:
    17,331
    "you could be the next shakespeare of harlem (the evolved Langston Hughes)"

    I don't know about all that UFO. You took it a bit far with that one.

    But thanks for the showing love folks. Last up
    test
  11. Nitsuj™

    Nitsuj™ We Are The Resistance

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2000
    Messages:
    15,644
    Felt.

    That was pretty nice.
    test
  12. Nebulaz

    Nebulaz fear God, not man

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2001
    Messages:
    950
    first off, like everyone else said, this was awesome, as usual. But the input I wanted to add was that I remember a time, when you wanted to retire, throw in the towel, and everyone believed you. I even went as far as to writing a dedication poem and posted it for you. Well its good to see you still writing.
    test
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