Leaving your children with babysitters

Discussion in 'Ladies Lounge' started by skandelous_lala, Sep 16, 2005.

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  1. skandelous_lala

    skandelous_lala back from the dead

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    We have a lot of parents here..so hopefully they'll be a lot of insight in this thread.

    I am not yet a parent...but no doubt plan to be one.

    I have friends who are parents and they feel strongly against leaving their children with babysitters/daycares/ect. Most of them only leave their children with trusted friends and family members. Then again most of my friends with children are SAHMs so they don't have to worry about finding somebody that has their schedule for baby sitting the kids b/c they don't have to go to work or classes everyday.

    Me and one of my friends were talking the other day and she was talking about seeing those hidden camera tapes on Maury and what not..that shows babysitters abusing the children they are supposed to be taking care of her. I agree with her in the fact that even more so after seeing shit like that, I would be terrified to leave my child(ren) alone with somebody I didn't know and trust 100%.

    My mom then mentioned the last time I talked to her that she wished she could have stayed at home with us at least until we were all school age and she personally thought one parent should at least stay at home until the children are school age.

    People who are already parents all seem to have strong feelings about the subject one way or another. Feelings that I can't quite yet understand since I don't have children.

    However I always thought I'd be the "super-mom"..have the career and the family. But I don't like the idea of 'strangers' raising my children while I work. If it was somebody I totally trusted it might be different to have them watch my kids while I & my partner were working.

    But what choices do you have when you do want family and a career?
    Those who have kids and jobs..what do you do?
    If you have a babysitter who wasn't necessarily a close friend or family member first...were you leary having one at first?
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  2. I think this super mom thing is another leap for the banner of female independance. Its nice to aspire to, having a full time career and a family, but one inevitably suffers.
    So, you have a woman who has a baby, and instead of staying at home as advised for the first 12 weeks,she goes back to work straight away and leaves the child with a childminder, or nanny, or if you are very lucky, a willing family member. (these days its usually the grandparents) I don't see why people have kids and then leave their kids all day with a childminder, especially in the most impressionable years. That is ofcourse if they can afford to spend time with their kids and they choose not to, over a career. If you are a single parent thats different because you dont have a choice, but there are I believe too many people putting work and the luxuries it brings over taking a cut in pay and hours and staying home to be there for the kids.
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  3. Hidden_Poetry

    Hidden_Poetry New Member

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    Good questions.

    I'm one of those Mother's. I'm 24yrs old, had my first son at 17. Right out of high school (walked down and got my diploma on graduation nite PROUD 9 months pregnant with contractions haha). I had him 9 days after I graduated. I've had one job. That lasted all but a few weeks. I had my mom and mother inlaw watching my son. It just didn't work out. So I've been home with him since then.

    I now have two boys. Oldest being 6 and youngest being 3.5. I'm a SAHM. I've never had a baby sitter for my boys. Other then family. No longer then 2hrs. Never over nite. So since becoming a Mom. I've never had a nite to myself. Never spent a nite away from my boys and never more then 2hrs UNLESS they are with my husband and I'm out. It's hard. But I just can't do it. I can't leave them with ppl I don't know. I don't even fully trust my family (that's sad). It's so hard for my husband and I to get out and enjoy ourselves because I'm always worried about my boys. Although, since they are older and at a talkative age. I trust a few more ppl (close family or friends). Because then my boys can tell me ALL about this person and what they did. Ya know? I feel comfortable with that.

    Being a sahm mom for so long. I just can't imagine myself working. But I want to so bad. I just want to be able to go to work and make money for my family. But my kids come first and I can't leave them. They depend on me for so much. I drive them to and from school. I'm always there for them. I do their home work with them. Read to them every nite. I just can't imagine someone else doing that...ya know? It's what, to me. Being a Mommy is all about. Being there for your children. I never wanted to be the Mommy that said I had to work when they were in a play. Or when they wanted to do the after school activity's. So when it's time for me to go to work. It's going to be hard. Both on myself, and my boys.

    I think once you become a parent. So many things in life change. You look at so much differently then you did before. You have so much more worry. You finally realize WHY your parents were the way they were lol.
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  4. Hardkore

    Hardkore Blunts@TheBeach

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    i'm not a female, but i'm glad my mom didn't work until i started going to school when i was 3...i think that'd be the best way to do it unless the financial means are holding you back from doing so.
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  5. MiSt_Of_CoNfUsIoN

    MiSt_Of_CoNfUsIoN Ray of Sunshine

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    I don't wanna be a housewife.. So I'm gonna find me a house-husband..

    My parents were both working when I was young, actually my mom stopped working when I was in high school, kinda backwards..huh? *shrug* I think a lot of it depends on how you spend the time you do get to spend with your children..
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  6. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    I put my boys in daycare for the first time about a year ago. Up until then I'd been able to rely on family (mine and their father's) for help... we have a few SAHMs in the family, between the two of us. I've gone back to being able to rely on family since then, but I can understand the apprehension some parents have about daycare... the first time I dropped them off I had already interviewed the lady, observed her for a while, and felt really comfortable leaving the kids with her (it was a state-liscensed family daycare... she did it so she could stay at home with her kids, too)... plus, my oldest son was old enough to talk and I checked in with him daily and I would frequently pop-up, unannounced, to check in on things. My step-mother had a horrible experience with my brother's daycare provider and opted to quit work and stay at home with him as a result... never went back... fortunately, she was in a position to.

    If you can stay at home and you want to stay at home, more power to you... but not everyone is fortunate enough to have the option of either staying at home (economics), or having a relative watch their child(ren)... and its not realistic to expect people not to have children until they do... my brother-in-law's mom used to have to leave her children (8 & 3 yrs at the time) home alone while she worked three jobs to support them because she was estranged from her family and couldn't even afford daycare.

    Its hard, no doubt... but you have to do what you have to do... check backgrounds, references, and do your homework... there are people out there you can trust who really love kids and do a great job making a living by caring for them. I, myself, have never fancied the idea of being a SAHM... but if it came down to it and I had no other viable options, I wouldn't have a choice but to.
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  7. samii so sexii

    samii so sexii ..sunkist siren..

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    I think if you don't allow kids to go to daycare, or let other people interact with them, it might not develop certain aspects of themselves that should be in full bloom. kids that have been coddled and stay up under their mother hen all their life, and can't go be with others for too much are the kids that cry the first week of kindergarten. being away from your mom is nothing to cry about, or be upset about. as a parent, your child is a treasure. true. and some people are not trustworthy. true. but you can't protect them forever. so limiting what they can do now (when they're most impressionable) isn't gonna be what's realistic when they're in middle school...or even elem. ya know?

    now i can argue this from both sides. When I was little, my mother worked, and I stayed with my gramma ALOT. But my mom still sat and ate dinner with me every night. we still went to the park together. and i understood that mommy worked, but that just made me happier to see her when she came home. kids aren't dumb...and if u go to work, they will understand.

    i also had a sitter...which was my nana, and I loved her soooo much. But i also stayed had a sitter with some of my cousins that used to beat us. I know one time i got beat so bad, that i bruised. and I'm very dark skinned...and i dun bruise easily. I was also like, 4 years old. like she used to hit us, for no reason. if we laughed too loud. she would beat us. things like that. and yes it wasn't cool, but that wasn't my mom's fault, and i'm not all fucked up in the head b/c of it now. kids gotta live...you can't stifle a kid, or be all up on them all the time. that's simply not realistic. and when it comes time to grow up, and when mommy cant handle their problems anymore, they're not gonna know how to act.

    but then again...im not a mother...lol so this is all just my opinion...it'll prolly change when i have kids.
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  8. Hidden_Poetry

    Hidden_Poetry New Member

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    ^
    Yeah it prolly will ;o) But I do see what you're saying.

    You are right on one thing. My first son cried the first little while in Kingergarten. He wasn't use to spending a whole day without mommy. It was so new to him. But eventually he got over it and he's now in Grade 1 with no problems and Mr. Independent.

    However, my 3yr old has never been away from me either. He's been by my side just as much as his brother. He just started Nursery school this week. He goes 2 days a week, for 2hrs in the morning. Not a single tear came from him. Just a "Mommy you going to come back?" that's it. After I told him I would be there to get him when his day was done. He was fine. Not a single fuss.

    So I think that all has to do with the child for the most part. It has some play from being with mommy all the time. But each child is different and will react differently to certain things.
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  9. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    you make some really excellent points... I think its important for kids to interact with other kids, too... it develops their social skills... otherwise you can create a situation where they turn into little brats that get around other kids and don't know how to share or play, who scream when things don't go their way and who suffer from seperation anxiety every time mommy has to leave them. I can spot those kids every time I take my boys to the park or school cause mommy is right right there coddling her child every time something unpleasant happens or there is a conflict... on the other hand, I let my boys try to resolve situations on their own before I offer help as a mediator. I'm not saying those incidents necessarily coorelate to SAHMs, but rather parents too afraid to let their kids live and experience anything unpleasant... sheltering your child is doing them a disservice IMO, cause thats not preparing them for the real world where they are undoubtedly going to have to deal with conflict and will need to have developed the social skills/tools to work it out.

    Example: A female family member of mine and her family (husband + 2 kids) all sleep in the same bed every night (by choice)... she RARELY allows them to visit with family members (without her or her husband being present), let alone spending the night... they're notorious in the family for being particulary over-protective of their kids. She's going back to work, now... and, as a result of how sheltered she kept them early on in life, she and her husband have a hard time whenever they need to leave the kids with family so they can go out and take care of business... its frustrating for everybody... especially those whom they now depend on to care for the kids for them... not only do the kids have a hard time, but its also annoying for the person having to deal with the crying kids and giving hourly reports each time mom calls, as well... people don't want to be bothered with all that.

    What I'm saying is... as with everything else in life, its about finding a balance... spend quality time w/the kids, but let them have time on their own to outside of the home and you, so they can develop social skills... turst me, you wont always be around and they'll need them.
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  10. Hidden_Poetry

    Hidden_Poetry New Member

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    ^
    I don't really think that has to do with staying home with the child till they are in school. Ya know?

    Basically what you described is over protective parents not willing to let go at any cost. Even at school age.

    Where I might be the ONLY person my children have been with. Never spent a nite away from them. They are very well behaved. They go with family (or close friends) with no problems if they HAVE to. They go to school fine (except the first day for my older son was tough..we got through it) They play with other kids nicely with no problems at all. I find it's normally the kids that have the run of the house and mom never there, that cause the problems. Well, that's the case with one of my friends son's. She's a working mom and has been since her boy was born. He's the brattiest kid I've ever seen. He's terrible. He hits, he fights, he cuss's. It's just not a pleasent site to have him around. So I think it really goes both ways. Ya know?

    I know a mother that also shelter's her poor kids so much. She had pulled them out of school. Just because one of her children were having problems. She took them all out. She home school's them. They really have no friends other then neighbour's. They have no idea what it's like to go to school. To have to deal with the bullies, home work, being social. It's sad really. Her oldest is 16. He's never had a girlfriend. Never talked to a girl. He doesn't shower. He sits and plays video games all the time. He's never had to go through any social life. I think she is basically robbing him of that time in his life. Her excuse for taking him out was. "he'll be teased". Well, the kid is without a lie a geek. But there are other geek's in school. ya know? lol. Everyone has a group when you get to high school. He'd fit right in. But now he has no idea what it's like. How is getting a job going to be for him? Or college? is he going to go? She's sheltered them so badly because she's scared of what might happen to them if they are out of her sight.

    Anyway went off topic. But just giving an example of what I've seen when a mother's truly shelter's her child.


    Hope this made sense!! lol
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  11. Tight, I think its unfair to make out that mums who stay at home are all coddlers who are not doing their kids a favour in terms of social interaction or preparing them for the real world. You are making out like all these mums spend way too much time with their kids. dont confuse care with neglect. I think some women use this argument to justify not being with their kids as much so they can devote a lot more time on their career and wont be seen or feel like part time mothers. Just cus mum stays at home it doesn't mean that the kids will a) be with her all the time. B) not be able to communicate with lil jimmy down the street. c) not adapt to the real world. d) not have a childhood.
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  12. thats like saying spending a good 10 minutes a day is better than a bad 5 hours. sure, but that doesn't justify spending a good 10 minutes only.

    Oh and good luck with the househusband. I am doing a study as we speak which is starting to suggest that metrosexuals are the most likely candidates for house husbandry. Either that or a guy without a career.
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  13. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    pay attention, Brit.
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  14. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    No, you made perfect sense... especially the part about your friend's son... don't even get me started on "momma's boys"!

    Maybe I should have bolded the part where I said I wasn't making a necessary connection between SAHMs and socially under-developed kids... I was replying to the comments on the type of overprotective parent(s) sami was talking about, not SAHMs in particular.
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  15. Hidden_Poetry

    Hidden_Poetry New Member

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    Gotcha ;o)


    I know about momma's boys. That story is actually sad :eek:( I mean. What is that kid going to do when he does happen to get a wife? Or when her 11yr old. Or her 9yr old daughter wants to venture out....she's really made it hard for those kids. Drives me crazy!!
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  16. MiSt_Of_CoNfUsIoN

    MiSt_Of_CoNfUsIoN Ray of Sunshine

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    A good ten minutes is much better than a bad five hours.. It doesn't justify it, but its the truth. *shrug* I've been on both sides of that situation growing up, I'd rather have a good ten minutes any day.

    A guy who wants to work from home is a good candidate for house husbandry. [sunglass]
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  17. skandelous_lala

    skandelous_lala back from the dead

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    Brit..I might be wrong...but I don't think you are taking what Tights is saying correctly. I can see the situation from both sides. Unfortuantly though when you have the SAHM vs the working mother debate...from what I've seen it always turns to one side or both sides taking offense to the other b/c they both want to claim that what they are doing is best.

    That isn't what this thread is about..or at least that is not what I intended to start a debate about here. I have the upmost respect for both..b/c no matter how you do it, being a parent is THE hardest job in the world.

    I don't think the idea of being 'super mom' aka having a job and a family is some independent woman motive either. In fact to be a little bit honest it kind of pisses me off to sum it up just to that lol. Absoloutly no offense to SAHMs but that type of life just does not appeal to me. I want a career, but I also want a family. God forbid I couldn't have both, I would choose family first..but I see no reason why I can't have both. But it does worry me about how I'll deal when I do have children..what sacrafices I'll have to make..and worrying about if I'll make the right ones, ect.

    As far as SAHMs having spoiled rotten children..I feel it happens as much as women who work ect. I have a friend who is a SAHM and her kids are horrible if they aren't attached to her hip 24/7. They aren't that well adjusted b/c she has coddled them 24/7. I have another friend who is a SAHM as well and her children are already very independent at a young age b/c she's given them room to grow into their own people. It doesn't matter if you're a SAHM or not...working women and women who stay at home can both have parenting flaws. Working or not does not determine the way the child will grow in many ways.

    I'm rambling lol

    Anyways..I've found the different perspectives here very helpful and insightful.

    When I think about the way I was raised... both my parents always worked but for the early part of my life my mother worked 2nd shift while my father worked 1st..so we were always home with one parent for the first 6 years of my life. Then my parents divorced..my dad was a complete dick for the first 4-5 years after their divorce..since my mom had to work just to barely make ends meet..I spent a lot of time with grandparents and babysitters as did my sister and my brother. Sometimes it was hard b/c my mother wasn't there but at the same time...she had to put food on the table as well. When you put a single mother into the mix its a COMPLETELY different story IMO.

    I personally do like hearing from those who are doing the career and family just b/c it does give me ideas b/c that is what I want as well..but I like hearing from the SAHMs as well b/c it's a different prospective.

    I still don't think I'll fully figure out the balance though until I have children of my own. Which is kind of scary..but I think everything works out somehow. I see my friends that are doing it now and know if they can make it then so can I.
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  18. I am paying attention.

    my reply was based on what you were implying from sami's post when she made those 'excellent points' which gave you a chance to go off on your rant about kids not being prepared and coddled etc etc. Now seeing as her innitial point was made about kids missing out through things like daycare, you jumped on that pretty quick and thats what I picked up on.

    and In defense of that I thought I would say:

    Just cus mum stays at home it doesn't mean that the kids will a) be with her all the time. B) not be able to communicate with lil jimmy down the street. c) not adapt to the real world. d) not have a childhood.
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  19. and how will he devote enough time to the kids when he is suppose to be 'working'?

    [readit]
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  20. I think it is about independance when women say things like "they couldnt possibly stay at home" like its alien, or they dont deserve such a thing.
    Kids need their mums and dads around, and hows that gonna happen when people give their career so much priority? I think its about seeking independance, when women openly speak out about not staying at home, like its a political decision, so as to not fall into the category of 'oppressed housewife'/
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