L. Kross Presents - Ransom

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by L. Kross, Nov 15, 2012.

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  1. L. Kross

    L. Kross His Highness

    Joined:
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    23,249
    I got a ransom letter written for ya kids,
    Betta pay attention, listen nigga, this is what it is
    Its official, if I see a badge, a pistol or a pig
    You can pick your kids out the trash, a river or a ditch
    You still wit it, lets begin, off the top Im in a mask
    The first meet aint for your kids, you just droppin off the cash
    You still wit it? Just makin sure, I often gotta ask
    Youd be surprised how many thas followin have crashed
    So swallowin the facts, you know I gotta ask again,
    Is you still wit it, if you isnt, then just trash the shit
    An if your kidsll end up livin, its miraculous
    A real divine intervention for them bastard kids
    If you aint got em an God dont, then neither do I
    It aint no Bat Signal sweepin the sky,
    your kids are locked in an attic an the keys at my side,
    Im askin, you still wit it, then lets keep em alive

    I know you cant help but to take it to the heart
    But ya kids aint gone make it from the breakin of ya heart
    When you get this news, you need to take it wit ya smarts
    Cuz if you make that call, they gettin faded fore it starts
    I know you cant help but to take it in wit pain
    But you cant save a thing wit ya anger an ya rage
    Its business, never personal, I hate when they dont pay
    Try an call the cops an all they gots a caper an a page

    Im glad you still made it to the portion of business
    If you still readin, youve beaten your personal feelins
    An you didnt call the cops, "How does he know that we didnt?"
    You kiddin? Ive been tappin all your phones for a minute
    Ive been watchin you an your family makin it big
    You got the chips, you aint callin, you aint takin the risk
    If I thought youd call the cops, I wouldntve taken ya kids
    Neither here, nor there, heres where you takin the shit
    Its fifty a kid, pay 100, an it outta rise
    Dont you know? You cant put a price on a life
    Take it to the crossroads, we're doin this at Broad an High
    Drop it wherever you like, dont worry, just go on wit life
    ........ Now if you followed the instructions
    Youll have your kids back by tomorrow in your clutches
    I have nothin to gain from your sorrow an destruction
    Im strictly after your cream, pardon the injustice

    I know you cant help but to take it to the heart
    But ya kids aint gone make it from the breakin of ya heart
    When you get this news, you need to take it wit ya smarts
    Cuz if you make that call, they gettin faded fore it starts
    I know you cant help but to take it in wit pain
    But you cant save a thing wit ya anger an ya rage
    Its business, never personal, I hate when they dont pay
    Try an call the cops an all they gots a caper an a page

    Drop the bag an you dip, got someone grabbin it quick
    An chances are, its just a lil average kid
    No cops, no feds, no camera clicks
    So far so good how you handlin the shit
    I know you panickin, but aint nobody hammin on ya kids
    We aint breakin fingas or toes or damagin their lids
    But dont call the cops after I handed in ya kids
    If you call the cops its for the bombs planted in ya crib
    Sorry an shit, just a little reassurance for us
    Been to the pen, aint gone be a reoccurance for us
    Keep it thorough wit us, an we'll keep it the same
    We got the cash, you get the kids, we been keepin em safe
    Now lemme see if I remember where I left em though
    Im just kiddin, this is business, its professional
    Ya kids are playin at the park, whip in park an I left it there
    (Explosion) Ah, shit. I forgot the bomb in the teddy bear
    test
  2. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    your kids are locked in an attic an the keys at my side,
    Im askin, you still wit it, then lets keep em alive

    ha^

    and

    Im just kiddin, this is business, its professional
    Ya kids are playin at the park, whip in park an I left it there
    (Explosion) Ah, shit. I forgot the bomb in the teddy bear



    keeping in mind im not a rapper,

    Best lines for me here above^, because here you were showing and not telling. Good imagery punch with an action that shows us the attitude the rest of this peice was in. I felt much of this verse got redundant by the middle, I think because you keep hammering the same idea unchanged to the end....more telling us how it is.

    THe bridge was bland and it did not pace like one...it matched the tone of the verse so it felt confusing because they both read the same in syntax

    Like the two lines above, the piece as an whole would be a much more entertaining and enjoyable read if it had more scene and less summery. Achieved by laying off the repetitive attitude rant...I felt your first stanza set the tone, the rest could expand by showing us dynamics unique to all the mantra that this dude was spitting.

    I did like the flow because it read like I was hearing somebody spit it live...it was molded well for a rap verse...it would sound hot. It would melt with more mature feeling and intelligent poetry concepts


    I like this none the less....
    test
  3. L. Kross

    L. Kross His Highness

    Joined:
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    23,249
    I feel you, it doesnt read as good as it sounds. I got a nice beat for it, its a whole song actually. all three 16's an the 8 bars in the middle of em is the hook. I wish i had somewhere i could record at, the shit would sound much better as a real track the way it was supposed to be, thats the difference when youre readin my pieces on RM, is I AM a rapper, so every bit of text you read from me was written to a beat, its all audio material, unless im in a battle an wrote specifically for some online shit.

    I appreciate your advice, I know what you mean about paintin the picture wit imagery, I was just really tryin to stay exactly on topic, thats why the chorus is a summery of the song lol, i wanted to stay on the nose wit it.
    test
  4. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    true that man. it's hard to judge lyricists because they write with audio in mind not literature (I guess in some cases, not all) lol. I did my best though, just giving one man's view out of millions. Good drop none the less
    test
  5. L. Kross

    L. Kross His Highness

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    word good lookin out

    the hook also, is kinda sing-songy, which is why its sorta simple, its a little slow an goes up in pitch, theres a pause, I know you cant help.... but to take it to the heart. the swags kinda nice on it lol
    test
  6. Chase Murda

    Chase Murda hostile enviroment

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    4,809
    yo i read this the other day an was like dam this shit long haha anyway good shit
    test
  7. Envy

    Envy Song Writer / Artist.

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    54,712
    .. This whole thing was dope, tbh. I can hear how you're going to deliver this in my head.
    test
  8. Bloody Red

    Bloody Red New Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2003
    Messages:
    804
    I got a ransom letter written for ya kids,
    Betta pay attention, listen nigga, this is what it is
    Its official, if I see a badge, a pistol or a pig
    You can pick your kids out the trash, a river or a ditch
    You still wit it, lets begin, off the top Im in a mask
    The first meet aint for your kids, you just droppin off the cash
    You still wit it? Just makin sure, I often gotta ask
    Youd be surprised how many thas followin have crashed
    So swallowin the facts, you know I gotta ask again,
    Is you still wit it, if you isnt, then just trash the shit
    An if your kidsll end up livin, its miraculous


    + you scared me , at first I was reading and was not feeling it at all , and I was gonna stop , I kept reading and it got better and better +





    I know you cant help but to take it to the heart
    But ya kids aint gone make it from the breakin of ya heart
    When you get this news, you need to take it wit ya smarts
    Cuz if you make that call, they gettin faded fore it starts
    I know you cant help but to take it in wit pain
    But you cant save a thing wit ya anger an ya rage
    Its business, never personal, I hate when they dont pay
    Try an call the cops an all they gots a caper an a page

    + I enjoyed this section , what you were saying I could feel it and although the rhyme scheme was very simple sometimes thats needed to get the message out +





    So far so good how you handlin the shit
    I know you panickin, but aint nobody hammin on ya kids
    We aint breakin fingas or toes or damagin their lids
    But dont call the cops after I handed in ya kids
    If you call the cops its for the bombs planted in ya crib
    Sorry an shit, just a little reassurance for us
    Been to the pen, aint gone be a reoccurance for us
    Keep it thorough wit us, an we'll keep it the same
    We got the cash, you get the kids, we been keepin em safe



    + here was the climax for me just because you focused so much on keeping the topic going , and again ,, simple one word type of rhyme scheme but you added a lil more into this section , cool drop .. and thanx for making it a longer one , I hate to start reading a rhyme and I'm feeling it , then it ends to quick +
    test
  9. L. Kross

    L. Kross His Highness

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Thanks, appreciate your feedback.

    those werent simple one sylabol rhyme schemes though, i guess you missed em?

    handlin the shit
    hammin on ya kids
    damagin their lids
    handed in ya kids
    planted in the crib

    those are five sylabol rhyme schemes, professional style, thanks for the love lemme know if you need a piece checked out
    test
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