Is this wrong or right???

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Ra Ill, Nov 29, 2010.

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  1. Ra Ill

    Ra Ill New Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2003
    Messages:
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    i come across the land of poor and im trying to fuckin score,
    but my life goal cant be acheieved im cursed as long as i breathe more..
    just lookin for my on way, but i got all these mental probs that sway,
    and skitzo plus bi polar and depression keeps lifes struggle in my day..
    i drink and smoke, but trying to think then i cant cope,
    im looking at life being 100 grand but i can only afford the candy though..
    i feel down all the time, but all i can do is put it down in a rhyme,
    sometimes i wish i had a gun and and id be fine cuz i could blow my mind..
    and today im just going through it, i inhaled the weed but with life i blew it,
    im trying to speak fluent, i was in speech in school & cant talk threw this..
    i know im so basic, but i look in the mirror and nod cuz i cant face it,
    just asking God why cant i feel like normal.. just erase the clinched fist..
    so distant, and im trying not to be resistant, im just a cartoon another misfit,
    got three kids and right now all i can do is be seen in a pictures distance..
    i just hope they dont be like me, shit my directors like spike lee,
    im a boxer fighting the worlds punching bag like im useing my teeth for biteing..
    im tired of all the drama i caused and then its like im just tired of being
    nah fuck that im just tired of lifes miserys..
    test
  2. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2004
    Messages:
    284
    I like this one.. good imagery. i feel the pain. nicely done
    test
  3. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    Honesty is poetry, good job for putting yourself out there. Flow was surprisingly decent, I was not expecting it.

    you could get by with more word economy however.

    keep your chin up
    test
  4. mr.rip

    mr.rip New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 1999
    Messages:
    22,509
    yes lots of pain in this. great job
    test
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