Invertebrate.

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by MrFlux001, May 29, 2013.

  1. MrFlux001

    MrFlux001 Member

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    Since I was threatened with birth i've been sent to this Earth,
    And learnt there's no weapon that hurts more than the lead of a verb.
    Or the venom of nouns. Combined it's a deafening sound,
    To hear my grandad died was a landing knife that took a second to drown.
    It's eternity of surgery,
    It's buried yet yelling so loud,
    He was a third of me and now we're divided the recurring three's will murder me,
    While he's sent to the clouds.
    I remember you proud whilst I dismember the now,
    And remember it's better to smile than to temper a frown.
    But i'm fending a thousand thoughts off across this drawbridge,
    I'm passive often but placid's offspring is the bastard orphan that I foster.
    Inside this plastic torture chamber my flaw is patience,
    And the pen has made me pause and pace, sit and stand while wars are raging,
    Stalling pages.
    So I've had writers block since May tenth twenty eleven,
    I've had to empty my head and focus on what's meant to be Heaven.
    I surrended the penning of feelings to welling at ceilings,
    Took two years comprehending God stealing my mentor and healing.
    Now i've centered the seal and demons fade to hollow sound,
    Your solemn bow followed doubt that I'd ever grow on solid ground.
    I was lost and found as thoughts would drown in nightly slums,
    So I tried writing some and a rose grew through like shining suns.
    Your time would come when we'd least expect it, I can't hold a smile to front,
    But congratulations, great grandad, I see your soul inside my son.
    • Hot Thread Hot Thread x 1
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  2. Resilient.

    Resilient. .. . ..

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    This rolled off the tongue nicely. Great use of multies as well. The ending hit home though. Very deep way of thinking and a very intelligent piece. Nice drop
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  3. This Is Ra

    This Is Ra New Member

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    i like how your schemes are put together very well indeed a good drop do you write alot?
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  4. MrFlux001

    MrFlux001 Member

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    Thanks Res, I appreciate your time and comments.

    Thanks for the comment. Yeah I've been writing for a good few years, but as of late - not really. Like the line in my verse suggests.
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  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    Tight, compact and robust schemes here. Never let of the gas.

    The first few lines were wordy, but you quickly went on tighter and tighter. Good drop man, this is a respectable OM piece.

    Here is what I mean by wordy

    Since I was threatened with birth i've been sent to this Earth,
    And learnt there's no weapon that hurts more than the lead of a verb.


    I was threatened with birth since sent to Earth,
    learnt no weapon that hurts more than lead of a verb.



    just some thoughts.
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  6. MrFlux001

    MrFlux001 Member

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    Thanks Coup. Llike with most things in my life, I tend to overthink everything then after a while do what I should have done in the first place. Useful feedback.
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  7. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    yeah usually takes a few drafts to get a finished product...most of the time I never come back to a piece and fix it up...just let go and maybe come better next time
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  8. MrFlux001

    MrFlux001 Member

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    Up to the top of this stagnant shit pile.
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  9. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

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    This was really dope. Some real nice flow and technical writing here. Imagery was entertaining and held my attention despite being a long verse. Well written work here. Props Mr. Flux
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  10. Baron Mynd

    Baron Mynd Swaggersaurus Rex

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    Really felt this one, Flux.

    And learnt there's no weapon that hurts more than the lead of a verb.
    Or the venom of nouns. Combined it's a deafening sound,

    Loved the way you did "-or the venom of nouns" as an interjection, kept the scheme switch, and was unexpected but natural all at once. I remember doing something similar in an old Russian Roulette piece of mine and En?gma commented on it, so it felt right that I should here too.

    All in all this was solid, loved the feel of life coming full circle
    and of you with your writing, poignant but with a deep ring of truth to it simultaneously.
    Not your finest work, but seemingly your most truthful.
    test

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