I'm Feeling Trapped!

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by DirtBoy69, May 28, 2003.

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  1. DirtBoy69

    DirtBoy69 why is this wrong?

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    i wanted to try something new for a topical league on another board and alot of people have been saying it's more like a poem so i thought i'd post it here and get some feedback on it

    a grey day sets the emotion I'm feeling trapped/
    a school day stupid rules again I'm feeling trapped/
    a bully always takes my money am I hiding or trapped?/
    another class failed. thinking does school have me trapped/
    I think too much to live so now my brain's got me trapped/
    I feel trapped in a dead end relationship always fighting/
    me and my girl trapped cause we're always yelling/
    then pretending to love again so more being trapped/
    trapped in a dead end job, small apartment and little money/
    always cloudy, overcast even rainy but never sunny/
    trapped in detention with my bully sitting a row ahead/
    I yell to gain his attention saying, " ha now your dead!"/
    pull the gun from my pocket having a psychotic snap/
    he fell for it stuck here... all of them stuck in my trap/
    drop the teacher first far from even quenching my thrust/
    cops about to burst in but I ain't the only leaving in a herse/
    ended my life plus two more but I broke the emotional curse/

    tell me what you think and leave links i'll reply back
    test
  2. TuNed RooT

    TuNed RooT Love is introduction ..

    Joined:
    May 25, 2003
    Messages:
    869
    The redundant use of words here fit in well with the concept of the whole piece, I personally thought. I liked the different topics you used to explain why you feel trapped or what actually does trap you. It was a decent drop, nothing very creative or inspirational about it, although it has potential to be even more than what it is now, ofcourse. Always room for improvement. Overall, a simple, yet not at all bad poetic drop, family. My blessings..

    *return the favor by dropping some knowledge on my piece.

    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthrea...&postid=6315599
    test
  3. Lyrical B^tch

    Lyrical B^tch New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2000
    Messages:
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    Yeah like my man above said..it was a decent peice..although the rhythm got a little off at the end and the rhyming seemed forced..please dont get me wrong im not criticizing cuz this was a good piece.. aside from the aforementioned..this was good..I like the theme (trapped) and the way u stuck with it and didnt veer off of the subject..keep writing..stay up..oNe

    Im too lazy to post a link to my joint so if u come across it please peep it if not its cool..
    test
  4. mocha_licious

    mocha_licious New Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2003
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    this would be a good written for a freestyle but u would have to change up some of the words...but definetley this has alot of sustanence to it...u know wha i mean?...u stuck to the topic, you were on point, and just as a poem, i see ur technique shining through...good job



    ~keep writing mos def~

    (one love always)
    test
  5. *GeMiNeYeZ*

    *GeMiNeYeZ* ~§¤Sweet Shinobi¤§~

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    11,131
    i think it was a great piece...
    test
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