I'm Feeling Trapped!

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by DirtBoy69, May 28, 2003.

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  1. DirtBoy69

    DirtBoy69 why is this wrong?

    Dec 5, 2001
    i wanted to try something new for a topical league on another board and alot of people have been saying it's more like a poem so i thought i'd post it here and get some feedback on it

    a grey day sets the emotion I'm feeling trapped/
    a school day stupid rules again I'm feeling trapped/
    a bully always takes my money am I hiding or trapped?/
    another class failed. thinking does school have me trapped/
    I think too much to live so now my brain's got me trapped/
    I feel trapped in a dead end relationship always fighting/
    me and my girl trapped cause we're always yelling/
    then pretending to love again so more being trapped/
    trapped in a dead end job, small apartment and little money/
    always cloudy, overcast even rainy but never sunny/
    trapped in detention with my bully sitting a row ahead/
    I yell to gain his attention saying, " ha now your dead!"/
    pull the gun from my pocket having a psychotic snap/
    he fell for it stuck here... all of them stuck in my trap/
    drop the teacher first far from even quenching my thrust/
    cops about to burst in but I ain't the only leaving in a herse/
    ended my life plus two more but I broke the emotional curse/

    tell me what you think and leave links i'll reply back
  2. TuNed RooT

    TuNed RooT Love is introduction ..

    May 25, 2003
    The redundant use of words here fit in well with the concept of the whole piece, I personally thought. I liked the different topics you used to explain why you feel trapped or what actually does trap you. It was a decent drop, nothing very creative or inspirational about it, although it has potential to be even more than what it is now, ofcourse. Always room for improvement. Overall, a simple, yet not at all bad poetic drop, family. My blessings..

    *return the favor by dropping some knowledge on my piece.

  3. Lyrical B^tch

    Lyrical B^tch New Member

    Oct 22, 2000
    Yeah like my man above said..it was a decent peice..although the rhythm got a little off at the end and the rhyming seemed forced..please dont get me wrong im not criticizing cuz this was a good piece.. aside from the aforementioned..this was good..I like the theme (trapped) and the way u stuck with it and didnt veer off of the subject..keep writing..stay up..oNe

    Im too lazy to post a link to my joint so if u come across it please peep it if not its cool..
  4. mocha_licious

    mocha_licious New Member

    May 10, 2003
    this would be a good written for a freestyle but u would have to change up some of the words...but definetley this has alot of sustanence to it...u know wha i mean?...u stuck to the topic, you were on point, and just as a poem, i see ur technique shining through...good job

    ~keep writing mos def~

    (one love always)
  5. *GeMiNeYeZ*

    *GeMiNeYeZ* ~§¤Sweet Shinobi¤§~

    May 19, 2001
    i think it was a great piece...
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