I'm a monster. Don't kill me though.. Topical

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by nO gOoD!, Jan 28, 2012.

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  1. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2001
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    14,245
    Since the dawn of time, people had thought his kind
    were the evilest of evil, with a demonic mind.
    But that wasn't the case, he was kindest you'd meet
    yet the villagers wanted to see him die in the street.
    He lived up in the cave, on top of the hill in the village.
    The people always thought he was plotting to kill them and pillage.
    they wanted to see him dead, bludgeoned with stones,
    and placed atop a mass grave with hundreds of bones.
    some of the homes were guarded by men with swords and torches
    windows covered with boards, as six horses stormed in
    the men would shout to everyone, "run for cover and hide,
    we're out to kill a monster, so kids and mothers inside!"
    they thought he was pure evil, knives used as toothpicks
    living in a dungeon, obliged to be ruthless.
    Years passed, and while still thought of as black and vile,
    a bastard child, this poor creature couldn't crack a smile.
    He did nothing wrong, just lived his life in peace,
    hoping that the sun would set to give a night of sleep,
    but when he closed his eyes, his dreams were deep as wells
    hearing people yell "god, send this beast to hell!"
    till one morning he woke, to the sight he thought was a curse
    he peeked to see the villagers had dug a spot in the earth
    The town guards stormed his home, drug him to the street alive
    it was pitiful how they treated him as he shrieked and cried
    they whipped him till his back was raw, dripped blood in the dirt
    committing the most hienous crime, right in front of the church..
    It was the sixth day of september, called the day of defeat,
    now known as a holiday, the day of slaying a beast.
    they'd sit at the table and feast, think of how they plotted his death.
    little did they know, soon they'd be lost in regret
    they killed the childrens hero.....

    who would've thought it was shrek.



    You're a 'monster', and all the villagers keep trying to kill you, but you're a pacifist...
    test
  2. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2000
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    16,814
    nice story here... i liked the progression.... the twist was cool, not too much foreshadowing to make it shrek tho... you coulda thrown bigfoot on the end of the verse and it wouldnt have changed anything...

    overall good drop though
    test
  3. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2011
    Messages:
    736
    was this for RSTL?
    good little twist at the end, definitely didn't see it coming.

    the story flowed nicely and you weren't lazy by just rhyming the ending words. no line in particular really stood out, but for these kind of pieces, that's not necessarily a bad thing. they all worked together to push the story along..

    it read a little bit singsongy to me, kind of like a children's fairy tale (which i normally dock points for) but it worked for this piece... for obvious reasons...
    test
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