If your mother came to live with you ................................... ............

Discussion in 'Ladies Lounge' started by mr.rip, Apr 15, 2007.

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  1. Ignorant

    Ignorant Village Idiot

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    No, we could pay to put her up somewhere... I just don't feel that a person should feel imposed upon inside of their own house. And do you have any other siblings? She can go freeload off of them. Seriously, if I did go for it, then it would be TEMPORARY with clear rules and guidelines. There's a difference between a 'helping hand' and a 'piggyback ride.' Some people are chronic moochers.
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  2. Leila Night

    Leila Night efrain,you're my one&only

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    What if she was sick? What if your parents got divorced and she was lonely/upset, etc.?
    You don't have to take any abuse from her, just be assertive (and indulgent if that will make things a little more comfortable).
    Yes, I have other siblings, but I wouldn't consider it freeloading. Do you have rules for your friends when they're over? :smile:

    Do you think you were mooching when you lived with your parents?

    I do agree with your point on respect.
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  3. Ignorant

    Ignorant Village Idiot

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    Who's going to care for her? I work and most likely the spouse will, too... she's going to need care from a healthcare professional.

    There are recreational activities available for people her age, no? If she isn't working, she can volunteer at a hospital... read books, travel, etc.... we can still talk on the phone and see each other from time to time, she doesn't have to live with us....

    Visiting and living together are two different things... but my friends understand the basic rules of respect and decorum. They know that taking my last beer is a no-no... I wonder if mother-in-law would be as conscientious?

    Children can't mooch... able-bodied adults can.

    Once I entered adulthood, I was expected to hold my weight financially and domestically. I stayed with my mother for a year after college and I paid all of the household bills, excluding mortgage. I don't think you stated whether mother-in-law would have to pay anything.
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  4. Ignorant

    Ignorant Village Idiot

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    Leila, how would handle disagreements with the hubby and mother-in-law wants to butt in and give her two cents? See, that's too much potential for bad blood arising. I'm not married to your mother... I'm married to YOU and I don't have to answer to her... hypothetically speaking.
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  5. Leila Night

    Leila Night efrain,you're my one&only

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    Ok, my parents are together and very healthy and this is becoming weird... but if my mother/father suddenly came down with something that affected her/his lifestyle (like paralysis or something), I would want to be there for her/him. I would definitely want to decide with my husband to what extent, of course.



    There are these options, but family has a way of healing, too. So, maybe all of the above plus close contact? I don't know, I still spend a lot of my time away from school at my parent's home and still consider it home. Most of my clothes and books are there along with a computer I still use... Maybe when all that changes my mind will change on this.


    Again, this is probably a cultural thing, but I would give the last slice of cake to my mother if she didn't ask for it.



    True, but I wouldn't consider it mooching if family is involved.

    No, she wouldn't have to pay for anything, unless she could and we couldn't. That's a situation where I think paying it forward comes into play.
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  6. Ignorant

    Ignorant Village Idiot

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    Something like paralysis or terminal illness would require a great amount of dependency and care... would you be able to afford to spend most of your time with her? What if it puts a strain on your marriage? Shouldn't your husband come first? I know that everybody's vows and understanding of marriage are different.

    Is it "family" or love that heals? Because sometimes the two aren't congruent.

    See, I'm thinking of the big picture, because there are many factors that are involved. You're a student full-time, correct? So that means you're not working full-time and most of your support still comes from your parents... and your stay with them isn't full-time throughout the year, is it? That's a totally different dynamic.

    I would, too... but not my beer... some things are just MINE.... and some people don't respect that.

    I don't mind being put out for temporary visitors, but when it becomes long term, I don't want to feel like I'm a visitor in my own home. I agree with Short... I abided her rules when I lived in her house, the same goes with mine.

    Children are the only x factor IMO... other than that, anybody can mooch... and family tends to exploit that the MOST... you gotta have a backbone... besides, what is "family?" Blood doesn't always count.

    If you were to live with your parents full-time and working, would they require that you pay for some bills? It might be different because you're a woman... parents tend to go easier on their daughters... sons are bums if they don't pay.
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  7. Hidden_Poetry

    Hidden_Poetry New Member

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    eh, I think when you have kids and you have your mother and your mother inlaw telling you what you should do and correcting the ways you raise your child. You may change your mind on calling it "help" or "advice" lol.

    My mother inlaw was the best ever. She only meant well. But she would always try to correct my parenting and it drove me BONKERS! As my mother still tries to do. It's so annoying to have ANYONE tell you what you should do and what you shouldn't. Because no body gives it in an advice way!! Well, none that I've experienced ;o)

    I've learned to smile and nod when someone offer's some advice (unless I've asked for it).
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  8. Leila Night

    Leila Night efrain,you're my one&only

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    My mother's decent about giving space to my brother and sister-in-law, so I'm not really worried about this.

    If there is a disagreement... I would probably take my husband's side... (at least until the novelty of having a husband wears off... j/k, sort of).

    I think it would mostly likely be the kind of situation where all three of us would have to follow the demands of our different roles and my mother would have to back off whether she likes it or not.

    Yes, he should come first, but hopefully I'm with someone who's generous and understands mercy... I think there are certain strains a marriage should be able to handle without shattering like glass. And shouldn't my husband support my decisions and actions, too?
    How can I help my mother if she lives too far away? For me, family (and family through marriage as well) are the clearest recipients of my unconditional love. I would never question having their support and they can expect the same from me.
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  9. Leila Night

    Leila Night efrain,you're my one&only

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    True. I am, however, an adult and my parent can either say 'take out loans' or 'you have to pay us back' if they wanted. Instead, they choose to support me, even though they know I have friends who's parents make more money and who are not nearly as generous as they are (and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this).


    m'eh. I don't drink and don't plan on having alcohol at my place. You can't expect me to understand... =)

    To tell you the truth, I never had that many rules growing up... I've never even been grounded... To me, outlining rules of conduct for either of my parents is not something I would be able stomach.



    Family, if not blood, people you love unconditionally, for good or ill.



    You would be surprised at how much stuff my parents bought as 'presents' for my brother and sister-in-law, then.
    I would pay for stuff, but I don't know if they would ask me... Again, this might be cultural.
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  10. Leila Night

    Leila Night efrain,you're my one&only

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    Yeah, I'm sorry... I'm not really writing from experience of parenthood. So, I'll bow to your wider knowledge.

    True, I don't like people telling me what to do. I just imagine parenthood as a little nerve wracking, so I'm seriously hoping by the time I am a mother (God willing), I'll be a little more graceful about accepting advice then I am now. I usually listen to what my parents say, anyway...

    Believe it or not, I have a reputation for doing just this in my extended family.
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  11. Hidden_Poetry

    Hidden_Poetry New Member

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    When it comes to parenthood, damn right I have wider knowledge of parenthood :eek:)

    I'm a graceful person in general. But once you become a mother and have someone looking over your shoulder telling you to do this and to do that. It gets annoying. That's all I'm saying. Wheather you are really close with your mother or not...it can only go on for so long before you are ready to burst. It's alot of pressure on new Mother's just trying to become a mom and go with your maturnal instict. Never mind having your own mother there barking down your neck.....Even if she doesn't mean too. They all step on your toes a time or two.
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  12. Ignorant

    Ignorant Village Idiot

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    That's true... I guess it would depend on how overbearing the mother is... but patience is a virtue.

    Hell no! Men rule! j/k

    I think the two of you should come to a mutual agreement on that issue, and if one disagrees, you should back off.

    I hear ya, sister... each situation should be judged accordingly... I'm just saying, sometimes, you have to be watchful of people taking advantage of you... like some people beg for a living... they don't care about taking care of themselves or handling their own issues, because they know that they can always reach for a handout somewhere or call up that generous, 'never-says-no' relative or friend and hit him/her up... those people are despicable IMO.
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  13. Ignorant

    Ignorant Village Idiot

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    Like I said, it's different for women... they may feel it's their job to support you until your husband comes along.

    But I know you're one of those "independent" feminists... so my only question is, how will that expectation of support affect you if your husband never comes along or if your parents, god forbid, leave this earth and you're left to fend for yourself?

    That was just an example... you can make your own... and I never expected you to understand.

    Never grounded? Were you that smart or just that good?

    I understand how you are now... I feel like the way we approach and think about everything in life is influenced by culture and experiences.
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  14. Leila Night

    Leila Night efrain,you're my one&only

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    I think you're right. It probably feels like you're being told you're a bad parent. I guess I'm thinking of my sister-in-law, who, more often than not, accepted advice from both her mother and my mother.

    Yeah, men rule, but only when women allow them to.

    Leila Night approves this message.

    It is despicable. I just think it's different with family (and some really close friends), especially because you can tell family members when they're doing something wrong. My brother's probably the only person I can accept harsh criticism from. Like once he told me how I often react out of pride. If anyone else attempted saying something like that, it would be unlikely I would accept it for what it is.

    They do feel that way... but I don't think they would feel their job as parents (support) would ever be completely over and I don't think I could accept the Western custom of putting them or my grandparents in a home for the elderly (I think that's insane; have you ever visited one of those places??)


    I don't think anyone's truly independent or self-sufficient. I think that's what the concept of Nirvana is all about.

    How will I support myself without any familial support? It depends if this happens now or in ten years... Now? I would take out more loans and try to finish school and work more hours in the summer, etc. Be miserable.
    Later on in life: I don't know. Continue whatever I'm doing to the best of my ability... Be miserable.

    I think that possible reality would mostly suck from a loss pov and I don't think I could ever account for that future.
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  15. Ignorant

    Ignorant Village Idiot

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    You're actually right.

    Is that because of pride?

    In what way(s) wouldn't it be? Especially if you have your own family?

    I know some of them are deplorable... but what about hiring an in-home nurse? Why do YOU have to be there 24/7? Are you a qualified healthcare professional?

    True... no man is an island... I'm actually a peninsula.

    Why would you choose to be miserable?
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  16. Leila Night

    Leila Night efrain,you're my one&only

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    Yeah, women usually are. Men just don't listen...



    Maybe sometimes it would be due to pride. Usually, it's more like 'who are you to presume you can tell me about what I'm feeling???'

    ...Emotional support. My parents will always be my parents.



    I didn't say I would provide that kind of care; I just wouldn't dump them somewhere so they can await lonely deaths.



    hahaha, I think I'm a peninsula, too. It's a fact I barely feel connected to humanity.

    Doubt it would be a matter of choice. Grieving usually isn't.
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  17. Ignorant

    Ignorant Village Idiot

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    No, I meant, 'effective rule is usually given, not taken.' How are you to lead if no one will follow? Unless, it's a brute dictatorship.

    I'm quite intuitive

    I knew you were going to say that... and I was too lazy to qualify my question... emotional support is a given. What else?

    You can still visit them in nursing homes or at their homes with their private nurses.

    If you're working, you wouldn't be available as much anyway.

    I think we choose our emotions... whether consciously or subconsciously.
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  18. Civilian2004

    Civilian2004 New Member

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    i don't think there would be a problem with my mom living with me. i remember when my ex was talkin about living together and how she would let her mom stay with us if it was necessary. i would have hella rules & limits on her mean ass moms.
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  19. Leila Night

    Leila Night efrain,you're my one&only

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    This is true. I'm of the opinion that 'effective' (who knows what that really means) leadership has very rarely occurred in history.


    What does your intuition tell you about me? That I'm prideful?


    Do you mean something material? I doubt there would be occasion for that. Maybe free babysitting once in a blue moon?



    I volunteered at an elderly folks home during spring break with a friend about three or four years ago ... Few of the residents actually receive regular visitors, so I'm not going to pretend I would be any better than those people. So fucking sad. This isn't going to be an issue for years, so I don't know either way. This is the oddest topic...

    True. That doesn't mean I won't make an effort to be there when I can. Life goes on whether you work or not.



    Yes and no; I don't think whether I bereave the loss of my parents or not will be something I choose. Likely it will be instinctual.
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  20. Ignorant

    Ignorant Village Idiot

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    How do you measure leadership?

    I think Hitler was an 'effective' leader.

    I think that you're a seeker of truth... and in that quest, you can have a righteous indignation towards things you deem inconsequential or irrelevant to your world view... it's the 'deeming' part that might be viewed as "prideful," by some... but I don't know enough about you to make that conclusion just yet.

    I don't know, maybe... how would your parents emotionallly support you in a way that's different from your spouse's?

    So what difference would it make if your parents stayed at their home with a private nurse? Unless you stopped working, moving in with you and your spouse would be the same thing.

    I don't understand... what if you never knew your parents? Doesn't that knowledge, combined with your experiences, influence your emotional decision-making?

    To say that you don't choose your emotions seem to suggest that you can't control them... and we all know how volatile emotionally unstable people can be... see VT
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