If a woman gets divorced

Discussion in 'Ladies Lounge' started by Shit with corn in it IRM'S BITCH, May 10, 2008.

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  1. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    My grandmother still has my grandfather's last name, although they were divorced eons ago... long before I was even born. She's remarried since then... and still kept the name.

    All of her children were conceived with her first husband, and they all have the same last name as him, as well. I believe her wanting to retain that connection and identity with her children factored into her decision not to change her name again. Plus, she'd built a pretty solid career for herself, using her married name, and I don't think she wanted to deal with the hassle of having to change her "professional" name.

    "No, Mr. Boss Man... my name isn't Mrs Brown anymore... ummmm no, it's not Ms. Black [again], either... it's now Mrs Green."

    Wash, rinse and repeat with every other professional collegaue and associate. Possibly have to answer personal questions about the nature of yet another name change. Etc.

    Fugg that... men ain't gotta go through all that b.s. Why should I have to?



    I'm with you... I understand how/why a man's pide/ego would be offended by my refusal to change my name, but he'd just have to understand... or we wouldn't be getting married.

    His pride doesn't trump my practical reasons for wanting to keep my name... exactly how it was when he met me. [And, technically & legally, it would be MY name, not my ex's. The name didn't "belong" to my ex, in the first place]. He knew my name when he met me... if it was that big of a deal, he should have never dated or fell in love with me... and he most DEF shouldn't have proposed marriage without finding out where I stood on the matter, if it was all that important to him in the first place.
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  2. How can you say it didn't belong to your ex if you took his name and gave up your own? Surely technically and legally it is now your name but that doesnt change the past and where you got it from and its significance. Perhaps you are right that his pride shouldn't trump your practical reasons and can see why it might not but this view is probably because you wouldn't give up your name as easily as some women will.

    is it really that inconsiderate of the new guy on the scene to assume you wouldn't be keeping your ex's name after you got divorced and when you married him assumed you'd to take his name?
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  3. I'm not saying its right, im saying thats how it is. Traditionally, a man "takes a wife". Maybe I am more attatched to my name and its significance than you because historically women have always given their names away and taken new ones. For me, it's not enough to be no longer with him and be divorced. I think you should cut ties with the name if you are divorced and revert back to your maiden name. Infact id be a bit confused why a divorced woman wouldn't want to discard it as quick as possible and reclaim her true identity before she borrowed his.

    it really frustrates me when people say "you dont have children so you wouldnt understand" The fact that I do not have children doesnt make my opinion less valid, and the fact that you do have them doesnt make yours more true.
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  4. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    I mean the name itself literally does not belong to him... he doesn't have sole ownership/rights to the name... other folks in this world who have no direct ties or relation to him have/use it as well. I would have taken on the name to forge my identity with him and our future offspring. And just because he and I no longer share that same bond, I still want my identity tied to my children in that particular way. Not to mention, I just don't wanna have to go through the headache of changing my name, yet again.

    Past signifiance is just that... in the past. Symbols take on whatever significance we give them, and the significance of my direct tie to him [via our shared last name] would no longer exist for me. At that point it would be about me and my children. I changed my name/identity to maintain a particular kind of connection with them... that desire doesn't go away just b/c I'm not with their father anymore. That others would still view it as symbolic of my ties with the father wouldn't really be my problem or something I'd have any control over.



    I wouldn't call his ASSumption "inconsiderate"... just not all that smart or wise. You don't leave things like that to chance, if its that important to you... you bring it up well in advance so you can work it out or at least know our partner stands on the issue so you know what you're getting into. I can't imagine we'd get the point of marriage or even considering marriage and the subject hadn't yet come up.
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  5. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    That's how I'd see it, too.

    I don't know that he never had a problem with it... I just know she never changed it... lol.


    That's how I feel about it, too. I know some men won't though... which is cool - they're entitled to feel how they feel about it... we just wouldn't be compatible.
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  6. I think this is a matter of how much significance we place in a name. You seem to see it as just a name, like it could be any name. I am placing more significance in the name because I see it as something you have taken from the man you used to be with. It is a symbol of your union, and something that binded you together symbolically to him. I'm also having doubts when I realise would take his name,(even keep it for life) but you won't drop it and take mine? what kind of message is that sending me? Oh yea, and your ex-husband is gonna love the fact that i'm married to you and you still have his name??? whaaat? i'd feel like a fool.

    But having said that, I have mixed feelings about this subject because I would never encourage a woman to give up her individuality/identity but having said that, I wouldn't deal with the fact that she wanted to keep her ex-husbands name like it was nothing very well.

    true, both parties have this responsibility. but often people dont bring things up cus they take them for granted.

    bottom line is: I'm not trying to marry a woman who wants to keep her ex's name for life (infact I dont think i'm trying to marry at all lawl) but if I was, id take issue with this because and i'd expect her to want to change from his name and take my name if we are talking in the traditional sense and would respect my feelings on the matter. Sure it would be a hassle to change ya credit cards, but is it really a hassle to, tell people you remarried? I mean, cmon, do you love me or not.

    call my pride dumb, me shallow, or whatever it is. I feel like i'd be over accomodating to be with a woman for life who will happily have her ex's name and not want mine or to revert back to her own.
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  7. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    I understand your point BG.
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  8. and you obviously arent catching the feeling here that despite you thinking its just for the children I dont see it that way. I see it as a connnection to your ex.


    I like your twist on it, but you surrendered your own name and borrowed his identity on paper at least. Why couldn't he have taken your name?

    I think maybe women don't seem to care about names because every generation their surnames have changed so they never truly feel settled on a name. My name is my fathers, my fathers father, my fathers father's father, etc. I wanna hang onto it.
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  9. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    My name is my father's, my father's father's, and my father's father's father's, too. So I feel ya. lol
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  10. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    Talkin to my honey, and had him weigh in on the subject:

    Tae says:
    so I'm having this conversation with a friend...

    Tae says:
    u gotta weigh in, too. when you get married, do you expect your wife to take your last name?

    Babe says:
    Yea I do

    Babe says:
    Well she don't, my kids do

    Tae says:
    ok

    Tae says:
    what if she was divorced from a previous marriage and wanted to keep that name?

    Babe says:
    Mmm then I would wonder? Whether she really wants to be separated from the dude

    Tae says:
    True. But what if she explained to you that it wasn't about the ex, she just wanted to keep her identity tied to her kids in that particular way? Would that bother you?

    Tae says:
    or that she didn't want to have to deal with the hassle of having to legally hange her name again.

    Babe says:
    Fine, as long as my kids have my name

    Babe says:
    But "keeping identity to kids" that's not a good enougg reason, how about I adopt the kids cause I love u and everyone take my name and ill pay to have someone do the paperwork, you my limp and i am ur cane

    Tae says:
    adoption... that's a good idea. But what if the kids' father was still in the picture and both he and the kids wanted to keep their name the same?

    Tae says:
    and why I gotta be a limp?

    Babe says:
    Well then I digress, the kids u give me will have my last name, .........I can be ur limp

    Tae says:
    why are we limping babe? did we get hit by a bus or something?

    Babe says:
    Its a metaphor, let me remix it

    Babe says:
    I gotta think

    Babe says:
    Got it

    Babe says:
    You are my rib

    Tae says:
    can I be your colon instead?

    Tae says:
    cause I'm the shit

    Babe says:
    Sure thing, but the colon is full of shit actually

    Tae says:
    not if you stay on top of your fiber game

    Tae says:
    lol
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  11. Langford

    Langford New Member

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    If I was a woman, I don't think I'd take anyone's name even if we were married.
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  12. cyphamasta

    cyphamasta New Member

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    my mom did that. my pops died before i was born and she kept his last name. when she remarried she hyphenated it with my step dad last name. he didn't seem to have a problem with it that i know of.
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  13. cyphamasta

    cyphamasta New Member

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    oh i don't know about that. i wouldn't want that at all.
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  15. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    He entertains my craziness... lol. He just might be a keeper ;-)

    Still don't understand what the "limp" thing was about, though. LOL!!
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  16. hell of a guy to put up with your poopy colon, ma
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  17. I think he meant likehe would be the crutch for her limp and sort shit out so she wouldnt have to worry
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  18. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    I got the sentiment, I just didn't think the metaphor fit (how come I'm your limp/ailment, but you're my crutch/savior?). I be overanalyzing shit.

    And Nani, I totally agree... its always cool to have someone you can bug out with who gets your quirkiness :-D
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  19. yo was only offended cus you are so fiercely independant.which is a beautiful thang.
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  20. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    Awwww *blushing & batting my eyelashes at you*
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