I see you see me

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by D. MonEy25, Mar 28, 2011.

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  1. D. MonEy25

    D. MonEy25 Gifted With The Words

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    I’m leaning at the bar
    You’re standin there
    Short thing
    Thick body with shoulder length hair
    I glare
    You’re with ya chicks
    I stand in the mix
    Takin sips
    Of my brew and talking with my boys
    The music over the speakers
    Makin hella noise
    I’m chill as i stand by the floor
    You motion me close
    Now we movin to the beat
    I can feel ya body heat
    As we move our feet
    You say its time to retreat
    Digits we exchange
    With names within the same timeframe
    I see your game
    To explore something more
    Lets see where
    We go from here
    We can chill or explore
    The atmosphere
    Or whatever you wanna do
    I just wanna know you
    And the ins and out of everything you do
    test
  2. mr.rip

    mr.rip New Member

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    22,509
    Feeling this keep it coming D. good shit
    test
  3. D. MonEy25

    D. MonEy25 Gifted With The Words

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    Messages:
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    Thanks man. Much appreciated.
    test
  4. Carpe Noctem

    Carpe Noctem Neos Helios

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    5,202
    No meat to it at all.

    All I got was a dull description in choppy rhyme form.

    Go into more detail. Balance the objective with the subjective.

    Sights, sounds, tastes, emotions

    I want more than just bare play-by-play announcing.
    test
  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    ^I agree. But also this was not a bad piece of play by play. It was smooth and clear. Maybe elementary, but effective. Lastly, nothing original by any means and not that inspiring or creative.
    test
  6. Jay Bee

    Jay Bee Boricua

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    this was pretty gud. wish it was a little longer seemed like the whole poem comes from quick thoughts like a freestyled poem i was expecting her response. flowed a lil weird until i read it a couple times not hatin just honest critisism. keep it up mayne
    test
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