I Got It Made....

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by KhemetSuns, May 31, 2003.

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  1. KhemetSuns

    KhemetSuns New Member

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    745
    haven't posted here in a good while...just something i was feeling at the time







    I Got It Made


    the severity of this mediocrity/has spawned my hypocritical nature in the image of an original socrates/i say what i see but rarely ever see what i say/stealing dreams from where innocence lay/presenting it to the world behind illuminating lights that only reflect realities shade/and they scream i got it made/....traces of your breath circle my lips/while thelonius monk is being played on your hips/with the ends of my finger tips/as we dance into bliss/and lay down to anguish/falling deeper into the pain from your eyes/which contradict your hearts cries/but you're still here where you first laid/and they scream i got it made/........i look behind americas black stripes from afar/to notice how we always end up supporting the white stars/i'm a czar of a one man revolution/because isolation has become the human evolution/meanwhile we have white uncle sams/who dictate evil based on the interruption of their manifest destiny plans/but i'm gonna do for self and not get played/and they scream i got it made/...............i travel the road of your footprints/without footprints of my own so who have i become this entire stint?/i can rent faith for cheap/but what is faith without owning that leap/you have shown me what i have not yet shown my soul/love enters but always exits my hold/my heart is in the right place with the wrong grade/and they say i got it made/but what have i made with what i got?................
    test
  2. TuNed RooT

    TuNed RooT Love is introduction ..

    Joined:
    May 25, 2003
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    869
    Interesting ending line, word choice was very respectable, as well as the metaphors used, lacked a little in that area though at times. Although, your number one flaw in this is your structure/organization, because it's simply awful for a poetic piece to be assembled like this. Well, it determines on how you wrote it and want it to be read like, but at least save us the torture from us having to squint to read it, because it's all crunched together. Overall, decent and strong meaningful piece you wrote there, family. My blessings..
    test
  3. KhemetSuns

    KhemetSuns New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2001
    Messages:
    745
    thank you for the criticism,as well as the compliment...however the point of it being written that way was done on purpose...it was 4 different stories jumbled into one..... which represented one life,one thought,one hope,one love...peace,and blessings
    test
  4. *GeMiNeYeZ*

    *GeMiNeYeZ* ~§¤Sweet Shinobi¤§~

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    May 19, 2001
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    11,131
    yea, great piece! i like the lyrical structure and metaphorical style incorperated in this poem.

    "meanwhile we have white uncle sams/who dictate evil based on the interruption of their manifest destiny plans/"

    so true... man... great job.
    test
  5. KhemetSuns

    KhemetSuns New Member

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    Oct 17, 2001
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    745
    thank you for the love....
    test
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