I Dont Know..

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Madnick, Feb 21, 2005.

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  1. Madnick

    Madnick Modern Laureate

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    Her heart is empty
    Does it know what she wants
    Is it unsure of her feelings
    I dont know..

    Her tears spin on an axis
    Waiting for disappointment
    Is she really happy
    I dont Know..

    Her emotions hang in the balance
    With a sledge hammer chizzling away
    Can she feel the pain
    I dont know..

    Her life is living on a razor
    Slowly cutting every inch of flesh
    Will she end everything
    I dont know..


    Later at school, I didnt see her
    The girl that no one notices,
    The creative mind behind art,
    An abstract person who feels
    More then what she is told to,
    The smartest person I have met,
    I looked and I cant see her
    Maybe she is sick, She looked
    Kind of uneasy just yesterday,
    So where is she, I dont know..



    Her mind was a wreck
    From years of toment and abuse
    But was she on the right track
    I dont know..

    Last night she looked at her self
    Her strength was gone
    Did she see the crude remarks
    I dont know..

    The razor was abandon
    In the medicine cabinet next to the pills
    Does she have more to live for
    I dont know..


    Later at school, I didnt see her
    The girl that no one notices
    But there she was, The creative heart
    Helping her mind over come,
    There was a smile on her face that
    Lasted all day, She had a weight
    Lifted off of her shoulders, I cant help
    but love her..


    Does my heart truely feel this emotion
    If it does then beat a little faster
    Do I feel the transition
    I do know..




    and..




    yes..
    test
  2. b3LLig3r3nT

    b3LLig3r3nT b3LLig3r3nT

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    I liked this.. I can relate t0 the "her" side 0f it.. and I liked h0w y0u asked questi0ns at the end 0f every part..

    Her emotions hang in the balance
    With a sledge hammer chizzling away
    Can she feel the pain
    I dont know..

    ^ l0ve that.. g00d p0em
    test
  3. akqrate

    akqrate Ear-candy

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    Wow dude... i KNOW this was a nice nice poem man. Liked the style u did it in and how u differentiated this girl with all the imagery and word choice... nice writing style too man... keep em comin bro!
    test
  4. Madnick

    Madnick Modern Laureate

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    test
  5. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

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    I wish that ending could happen all the time to those in the situation. It seems too good to be true. Your poem is displaying exactly what I want to say--sometimes one person's words is all it takes to pull a friend from the ledge. Or, it can be anyone. It's good to have people who think and genuinely care for you in life, cause otherwise I'd still be trying to dig my way up out the hole.
    -Much Love
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  6. AlmostFamous

    AlmostFamous U got a problem?

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    Her heart is empty
    Does it know what she wants
    Is it unsure of her feelings
    I dont know..


    I like how you wrote the beginning the most and it stood out to me as my favorite part of the piece

    rep this fool

    Famous
    test
  7. The beginning of this poem seemed to show you being detatched and daydreamy. I liked the thoughts about where she was and how she was doing, it built up some wonder. The chisling away' did this also. The second half seemed to be more about the plot, an the qestions of I dont know seemed to reflect both of your concerns, almost as one person's voice in places. It was kinda eery and in places, dark in a sense of gothickyness that lurked behind the art student and the whole state of mind of abstract redundentness and confusion. But perhaps that is just a person reference of my own which has spun that idea. Cool poem, regardless.
    test
  8. Madnick

    Madnick Modern Laureate

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    Thanks for all the feedback it means alot.
    test
  9. Dark_Angel

    Dark_Angel Dark_Angel

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    To some extent I liked this, I like what you did with it but thought that topic of it coulda been enhanced more. Its images are based on stereotypical images of the 'art student' and it offers no real imagery to go with the words, which are great. It worked well and I do like what you did with it, but i just thought with more hightened visual image it woulda given it a greater edge. Nice work
    test
  10. ~Eloquent

    ~Eloquent Narcissistic....

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    wow...
    i feel you the quiet ones can really have lots of meaning inside of them
    this was written very well,its almost like you step it up a notch everytime you write...
    Her tears spin on an axis
    Waiting for disappointment
    Is she really happy
    I dont Know..

    Her emotions hang in the balance
    With a sledge hammer chizzling away
    Can she feel the pain
    I dont know..

    Her life is living on a razor
    Slowly cutting every inch of flesh
    Will she end everything
    I dont know..


    dope and i like the suspense you put in it,how u havent been seeing her around lately,
    true story?
    test
  11. Index.

    Index. New Member

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    nice. i love the darkness of this.

    there's a lot of uncreativity in the realm and it's a breath of fresh air to see stuff like this with an actual concept behind it.

    the last stanza was my favorite. i really liked how you ended it for some reason.
    test
  12. lpoet

    lpoet POET

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    this was just outstanding...

    reallly made it worth my while comeing in here on my break at work

    usually hate repetative type pieces but u did this real well.....

    the i dont knows seemed to really work for u in this poem

    really liked the end...shed light on the entire situation

    lovin the creativity

    O...

    another reason i liked it so much is b/c it reminded me of my days in hs when i would just sort of stare at people and wonder what there story was...

    very nice work here

    ima look out for u

    UPin
    test
  13. Madnick

    Madnick Modern Laureate

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    Thanks for all the feedback Ipoet, Eloquet, Index, and dark angel. It means alot thanks.

    Eloquent this isnt a true story its fiction. But thanks for asking.
    test
  14. Amerrorist

    Amerrorist American Terror Is..

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    The imagery was quite brilliant in this piece. The story told, the portrayal of this "girl's" emotions were like a scattered glance. I liked what I saw. The happy ending was a positive outcome though a sorrowful one might not have been a bad read. Might this be a true story, it ended perfectly.
    test
  15. Madnick

    Madnick Modern Laureate

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    Thanks amer but it isnt a true story in my case of writting but it might be true somewhere in the world.
    test
  16. *Hott Chocolate*

    *Hott Chocolate* current mood: happy

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    i liked how well each stanza trasitioned into the next..and i also enjoyed the story told. good one!
    test
  17. Madnick

    Madnick Modern Laureate

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    Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.
    test
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