I.c.t.o.a.n

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by FukkedUPKidR, Jun 1, 2003.

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  1. FukkedUPKidR

    FukkedUPKidR Guest


    So turn your back on me
    Because anyone who stands face to face with recklessness
    Is a disgrace
    The air muttered something as it blew by
    I lied and told them it was you...

    I hid parts of my heart around town
    High class motels for clowns of cheap love
    You supposedly met hell in March
    By April you never went on an Easter egg hunt
    And I’m empty without my compass
    Truly disfigured and distraught...

    A trigger comforts you unlike I ever could
    Unreasonably
    You pushed me on my knees
    {Like a Trent Klatt
    Scoring in overtime
    ...It’s a loss of words
    When my anger blares in specks of silence
    A tempting conspiracy I fell in love with
    A kind of Starvation
    Something I can’t recollect}

    U Begged my tears to stop harassing me
    Something in you was my world
    And I’m empty
    It’s come to this, I’m emotionless
    It’s come to that you were the only piece
    Meant to be missing from the jigsaw puzzle.

    Now everyone made it around town just fine
    Except you and me
    We had different plans and you told me you wished..
    Sometimes you wished that someone waited for you beyond what you knew
    I wanted you to know I waited
    Am waiting, for you
    test
  2. Lyme

    Lyme Guest

    wow its incredibly how much your writing has matured.. very smooth
    test
  3. TuNed RooT

    TuNed RooT Love is introduction ..

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    869
    Haven't seen any other piece by you, I don't think. So, I can't really judge on if you had elevated or not. Seems to me this piece was quite decent, needs a little work in some areas, such as word choice and metaphores. Organization/structure was alright, as for rhyme scheme, that was onpoint through most of the whole joint. Overall, I thought it was alright, nothing that I could sit through and read again, but it was worth one read, at least. My blessings..
    test
  4. GorillaThugMC

    GorillaThugMC Minotaur Orator

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2003
    Messages:
    1,074
    ^^^ Now If I was a poet, I could say somethin' like "WHAT, brutha? This was perfect, foo, did I say you could speak? SAY IT AGAIN! SAY IT A MUTHAFUCKIN' GAIN!"

    But I'm not a poet, so I'll just stick to my opinion!

    I was listening to Shadowboxing while reading this, so I didn't really understand a lot of parts, but for the parts that I did understand (i.e. "When my anger blares in specks of silence
    A tempting conspiracy I fell in love with" and the lines that follow), I liked it!
    test
  5. FukkedUPKidR

    FukkedUPKidR Guest


    Don't know about word choice..What words I choose and how I choose to say it defines my poetry and makes it my style. That's just my take on how poetry should be but thanks


    & Thanks lyme and gorilla ...lol you fool
    test
  6. Atmosphera

    Atmosphera New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2003
    Messages:
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    I Felt Peace In This Even Tho You Raged With The Emotion I Am At Ease With It
    test
  7. TuNed RooT

    TuNed RooT Love is introduction ..

    Joined:
    May 25, 2003
    Messages:
    869
    Yes, poetry is just to use the words you need to use to unleash what you need to have unleashed, yam sayin'? I'm just telling you, if you WOULD LIKE to elevate your vocabulary, then do so. That's all, and Gorilla.. I ain't even about to start..
    test
  8. FukkedUPKidR

    FukkedUPKidR Guest


    Haha, don't mind Gorilla =)

    No , I know exactly what you're saying..It's just lately I've been writing with simpler words, & more emotion.
    test
  9. Feme Sole

    Feme Sole Mrs. _Evil

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    Apr 13, 2002
    Messages:
    37,722
    ms rosa :)

    i liked the second stanza a lot especially....
    "I hid parts of my heart around town
    High class motels for clowns of cheap love"

    your stuff always speaks to me.....maybe because we have similar styles......much love
    test
  10. FukkedUPKidR

    FukkedUPKidR Guest



    Thanks for the love
    test
  11. Nitsuj™

    Nitsuj™ We Are The Resistance

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2000
    Messages:
    15,644
    this is good. I can feel the emotion of the writer when I read it. Good writing.
    test
  12. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2001
    Messages:
    17,331
    yeah them first 3 lines had me going from the start. Good shit glad to see something from you again.

    one luv
    test
  13. augee.ali

    augee.ali Lively Up Yourself...

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2003
    Messages:
    1,734
    I could picture you acting this out and adding in the dramatic effects... Just come in real crazy like "So turn your back on me.....!" Nice read.
    test
  14. FukkedUPKidR

    FukkedUPKidR Guest



    Hmmm, interesting..yes..

    Thanks to all =)
    test
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