HIDDEN HOPE...please critique, I will peep your soon...it's been a minuten

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by MISSKEYdaQUEEN, Jul 10, 2003.

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  1. MISSKEYdaQUEEN

    MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther..

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    HIDDEN HOPE...please critique

    HIDDEN HOPE

    Forced entry into my heart
    left cluttered and disarrayed
    topsy turvy and damaged
    all hint of life to fade
    Love fallen into thieves hands
    stollen and misused
    what's left of fragile spirit
    is lost and confused
    Faith in hidden places
    not found by the crook
    foundation of strength
    fortunately overlooked
    Rebuild tattered soul
    as hope medicates mind
    that stolen heart missing
    not authentic did they find
    laying prescious in the cracks
    so pure and complete
    love was never taken
    treasure under unturned leaf
    Beauty resides here listen
    music feeding the brain
    God healed body and soul
    with nourishment like rain
    Violation left a scar
    but that scar a memory
    memory of vulnerable moment
    when allowed robber to see
    Thieves can't steal
    what is carelessly given away
    regardless how sincere
    the wolf was yesterday
    Caution brings knowledge
    Swallow the pill of pride
    Life is that rollercoaster
    just to take you on that ride
    Common sense is security
    just not always at use
    only you have the password
    to prevent furthur abuse
    Faith is key to life
    Hope medicates your ails
    Strength holds you together
    when all else fails
    God gives all three
    when crooks look for prey
    to use wisely enough
    to survive another day.



    KEYSTYLE IN THE MORN....
    enjoy...peace
    test
  2. vinous

    vinous New Member

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    Violation left a scar
    but that scar a memory
    memory of vulnerable moment
    when allowed robber to see
    Thieves can't steal
    what is carelessly given away
    regardless how sincere
    the wolf was yesterday
    ^^^
    my fav part, nice piece.
    test
  3. MISSKEYdaQUEEN

    MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther..

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    Thank you...uppin..dang, can get some coments please??lol
    test
  4. tk2oo3

    tk2oo3 New Member

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    2,082
    ok rhyme scheme & your style is fine.. but i suggest making it longer or something cuz your thought flow is choppy.. i mean sentence structure is at times jus sentences wit no connection thrown into four lines.. (not random jus no connecting words).. i think for a piece like this you need longer lines or somehow work the small structure to your advantage better.. overall its ok..
    test
  5. MISSKEYdaQUEEN

    MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther..

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    dayum, well I admit.
    My keystyles aren't usually structured
    Just off the tips.
    Editing to improve to me would make it less
    authentic.

    Nevertheless, thank you for your comment
    Your opinion is noted and appreciated!!!

    respect
    test
  6. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    "Thieves can't steal
    what is carelessly given away"

    that was my favorite part. Seemed like i read something like this before. The word play in this was pretty nice. Dope keystyle

    one luv
    test
  7. Swiss Miss

    Swiss Miss New Member

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    135
    I liked it, I mean it doesn't have to have sentence structure to be a powerful piece...Nice drop!

    Lauren
    test
  8. skandelous_lala

    skandelous_lala back from the dead

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    that was pretty nice girl. good job. thoughts did seem to jump around a bit but it sourta went with the piece, it didn't seem as if it was meant to stay all in one place.
    test
  9. MISSKEYdaQUEEN

    MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther..

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    ^^^basically

    confusion is always unorganized

    I was finding clarity in confusion so...eh

    It was gonna be a little different
    test
  10. SIZZLA

    SIZZLA New Member

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    7,907
    this joint had some "hot spots" in it.. like thos one here
    "Thieves can't steal
    what is carelessly given away
    regardless how sincere
    the wolf was yesterday"
    i only wish that you had made the thoughts complete and connected them more sucessfully... you get a lil lost here and there... still, the joint is tight, i would re-edit it till i got it to flow a lil better....


    damn! i just scaned down and saw that others copied this part as well... so, i guess it is "the" hot spot... re do this joint... i will lok back here latter....
    test
  11. ThisMiss

    ThisMiss Guest

    this was very nice, miss. my favorite part was...

    "Thieves can't steal
    what is carelessly given away"

    ..it kinda jumped around a little...but i still really enjoyed it. :)
    test
  12. MISSKEYdaQUEEN

    MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther..

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    Arghhh...I guess i should swallow my pride?

    I wrote this in the heat of thought though. If I edit it won't it lose some meaning? I mean really.....I admit I did kinda lose my frame of thought some....but,I don't know. I've had writers block for a while and I'm just trying to get back in the swing of things. It's hard when you have the vision and your words are gone.Your pen is just clenched in your fist and you look at the paper, lines blurred with tears because fears prevent you from doing the one of the only things that rescue you.

    Ya know.
    test
  13. tk2oo3

    tk2oo3 New Member

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    i never re-do pieces personally.. anything that is not completed in one sitting is trash basically.. it never comes off as strong as it could, even if it does come decent or good.. so jus next time you feel the same emotion feel free to write about the same things..
    test
  14. MISSKEYdaQUEEN

    MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther..

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    ^^cool. I dig that.
    test
  15. *GeMiNeYeZ*

    *GeMiNeYeZ* ~§¤Sweet Shinobi¤§~

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    11,131
    its beautiful... feel like one of my keystyles. lol. u get rep!
    test
  16. 6ftground

    6ftground BLACKACE/GRIMREADER

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    Milady you can never have writers block, you could be in the war dungles and still be
    Miss dan dada... your work is sunbright all the time..i always make sure to put me darkers on feel me my Queen..Up this one..peace
    test
  17. mr.rip

    mr.rip New Member

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    great work miss you always got something deep to say mommy.
    test
  18. lpoet

    lpoet POET

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    always enjoyed your work..i actually like the structure in that it reminds me of my old keystyles...i like how a lot is on the surface of the piece but you kind of have to dig a lil deeper to see what lies beneath..

    nice
    test
  19. Poetic Concept

    Poetic Concept New Member

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    Violation left a scar
    but that scar a memory
    memory of vulnerable moment
    when allowed robber to see
    Thieves can't steal
    what is carelessly given away
    regardless how sincere
    the wolf was yesterday
    Caution brings knowledge
    Swallow the pill of pride
    Life is that rollercoaster
    just to take you on that ride
    Common sense is security
    just not always at use
    only you have the password
    to prevent furthur abuse
    Faith is key to life
    Hope medicates your ails
    Strength holds you together
    when all else fails
    God gives all three
    when crooks look for prey
    to use wisely enough
    to survive another day.

    I think this should have been your whole poem, it was well connected, easy to read, and more true than most would like to believe. I thought the beginning was a little choppy but I guess thats how mine too, anyways great write
    test
  20. Evg.poet

    Evg.poet As the Heart Speaks...

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    Mar 24, 2004
    Messages:
    259
    I'm feeling the piece. I like the rhyme scheme. You have always had your own style. Keep with it.

    Blessings.
    test
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