her

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Thrilla-Ali, Aug 14, 2011.

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  1. Thrilla-Ali

    Thrilla-Ali Dapper Don

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    She was more than words can offer, more than what a writer could author
    deep into the sky blue waters of Gibraltar, we promised our love would never alter
    things got hotter the temperature was rising, the heat must've got'er
    tropical fever, sweat seeping out her palm like she was cast by a spell -- she was gone
    she would chant Gibran for long nights, chant till dawn, chant till she felt wronged
    once pictured her destiny fully drawn, but her sketch was taken for granted, couldn't stand it
    told her no need to develop a scab, if she needed aid i'd be the first to band it
    she decided to take time and sand it, i got hit with nostalgia, i couldn't be there in the past
    i better beware of the land without grass, but i escape the dessert with a big fat ass
    now im flat on my ass in a world without May, April tried to get in the way so i springed her away
    the film keeps rolling because my minds a projector, over the moon i necked her
    sweet as nector, but sour as sorrow, ayo i'll never get to see her tomorrow, forget it she's long gone
    test
  2. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Not bad but i'd suggest you work on your wording a bit. 'Springed her away' doesn't make any sense. I would suggest push her away or something like that. Also i'd shorten up the lines a bit. Nice little read tho
    test
  3. h.wood

    h.wood IMAGINATION SUPER STAR

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    Agreed, even though I know you were just trying to be cute. (April, May = springed her- got it) good job though
    test
  4. Thrilla-Ali

    Thrilla-Ali Dapper Don

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    Hey guys thanks for the feedback!
    test
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