[Grudge]Shadow vs. Kuja

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Shadow, Oct 13, 2012.

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  1. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
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    VOTING


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  2. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

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    G'Luck .
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  3. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    you too big guy
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  4. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

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    I may not be able to write my verse til sunday if thats ok, its pretty hectic my end, hoping with it been an practice match that will be ok, thanks.
    test
  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    test
  6. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Frozen Tears


    The tide’s breath ushers in the memory of you
    The ocean inhales exposing your canvass so pure, so true
    Then exhaling its breath to warm the chill in the air
    My nose catches the scent, trapped within a hypnotic stare
    With whispers of passion I remember the sun reflecting off your skin
    It felt like yesterday watching your hair dance amongst the wind
    Your smile glows like the Sun rising over the ocean
    With eyes full of hope filling me with a blissful emotion
    As all I could do was watch you dance across the sand
    Nothing else mattered and no one could understand

    Suddenly...

    Her body grew weak as her heart became frail
    Her lips full of pain as her skin turned pale
    All I could do was watch her eyes fill of despair
    Lying by her side praying for God to be fair
    As I felt her warm hands touch my cheeks
    I could feel her strength with every heartbeat
    Our lips met as she rolled on top of me
    Her hair burying my face, the passion overwhelmed me
    Every movement, every kiss felt like the very first time
    Suddenly she stopped as chills filled my spine
    I gently moved her hair behind her ears
    Revealing the pain she had hid behind her tears
    I tried to wipe them away, “I’m sorry…” She said
    “They wanted me to stay but I wanted to be with you instead”
    Her words became silent as I read “Cancer” from her lips
    I felt helpless as my hands fell to her hips
    She laid her head on my chest and held me tight
    I told her that I loved her and I would help her fight
    She smiled as we continued to kiss throughout the night

    This was her favorite place; she loved the ocean’s breath
    I walk across the sand every year since her death
    Remembering her pained look the last night we made love
    Still trying to wipe the tears from her eye as she hovered above
    But it will always remain frozen like a picture trapped in time



    [​IMG]

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  7. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

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    '

    Silence amoungst the dusty presence, a building of lessons
    A lone child in attendance silently weeps, lost in the message
    In his mind the laughter echos, relentless bullies, ravenous
    Teasing & taunting the young master & his friend, the abacus
    In books the child took solace, his mind so vivid & fabulous
    He imagined himself been the hero, vanquishing his antagonists
    From worlds of old, the child grew bold, slaying dragons
    Before hopping in time as an outlaw raiding coach wagons
    He became many things, a gunslinger, a mighty ancient egyptian
    & No bullies could ever follow him to the world of fiction
    Fast, it became an addiction, his grip on reality came loose
    The years quickly went by, the child became bitter & recluse
    Now in his 40's, the man was empty, his soul an empty box
    For inside his mind, even the boy in the library was truely lost


    [​IMG]


    Sorry for how short it was, time hasnt been my friend this week.
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  8. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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    shadow:
    nice dude you Where ready to start writing. This had a personal touch to it, you've placed in there the true feelings of lost love, beautiful. Dope piece very romantic and sweet even through such a dark time like cancer and death. The story progressed really smoothly and was well structured. Flow was hot and all together this was a great piece.

    kuja:

    LOL dude it sucks cause you could have developed this into something so perfect. When it started off it reminded me of Tha Talents old pieces except with your own touch of innocence you put in every verse. You have a way of making it seem like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, i get the whole boy is lost in his books cause he doesnt want to face reality but the way you delivered this was like the main character consciously decides "you know what the world has treated me bad so i dont need the world, im gonna stay here where im pure and true to myself" even though his not facing the world in the traditional way - his happy which makes the reader happy.
    Dude if you actually turned this into a full piece it would have been phenomenal. Curse you.

    vote = shadow

    shad delivered more of a story, i badly wanted to see kujas full verse so it would have been a much more interesting fight to the death :) but as it stands shadows verse was a lot more solid.

    nice drops guys n g/l
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  9. Storyteller

    Storyteller .:Your Fav. Mc's Idol:.

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    This is easily set for shadow and he wins by default in all honesty so I will leave thshort. Shadow you had the right mechanics in the right areas to exploit the emotion which is highly noted as your writing brings simplicity yet subtle excellence with the wording and that my friend is power. The knowledge to unfold the story and have it wither into the roots of our ears was great. Kuja. I am familiar with your writing from NC. And this my friend had all the making of being a great verse but life does hit you with curves but thanks for still posting such a tease lol. Props to both
    test
  10. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    shad- pretty complete piece. Not hot and not too cold. I noticed you used words like these:

    "exhaling its breath"
    "hypnotic stare"
    "warm air"
    "whispers of passion"
    "dance amongst the wind"
    "blissful emotion"

    ^While not bad, but these descriptions are mad cliche and have been used to the point of being taboo now. lol Gotta say things in new ways. This was only the first section. Your whole piece was like this.

    Your mechanics and story telling are set good. Just working on saying things in a stark way that makes the mind go "yes, that's good". I think that is what you should work on, seeing as you are experienced in laying out outlines and filling in the rest.

    Text- It seems everyone writes the opening really well and after the initial surge the rest comes as work. lol This was a good opening with well structured words and ideas. I know you story tell well and I would liike to see this finished.

    v-shad
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  11. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    shad: consistent even in the preseason, you always deliver the same level of polish.. The story was well told, as usual.. the flow slightly dropped off here and there, but it wasn't anything major.. at the same time, nothing truly wowed me in the piece.. i read through it and it read nice and flowed nice for the most part, but nothing stood out.. and i think i say that about all your pieces, now that i think of it... >.>

    kuja: bummed you didn't have much time.. i was the same way. i was liking the path you were leading the story down though. the rhyming convention you used didn't read the way alot of your previous stuff did either. i noticed a spelling/usage error or two here and there (using been instead of being in Line 6).. because i'm a grammar nazi. The piece as a whole felt too short and lacked development... but what you presented was nice.

    vote - gah...... honestly, i think i'm gonna give this one to Kuja.. wait, damnit. hmm... for me it's choosing completeness and development vs. a less complete but flashier verse....

    yeah, lets go with Kuja on this one.
    test
  12. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    can't really vote for Kuja, kat only had 14 lines...14 anvil lines, 2 short of requirement.
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  13. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    ah, shit! and i thought I was the stickler.. good catch coup. x.x
    test
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