[Grudge]Coup d'état vs Stroyteller vs Patrown

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Shadow, Nov 15, 2012.

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  1. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent. Failure to acknowledge an extension request results in it being granted.
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
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    VOTING


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    test
  2. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    Check. Good luck guys, let's have fun with this
    test
  3. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    check check. gl hf
    test
  4. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    Candy Cigarette

    A memoir for the down trodden, to the ill forgotten:
    Drift a mile in worn hauls, become her problems
    Be the barefooted strange girl on a cruise ship
    Apple bottom, candy cigarette, her nude lips
    Shirt soaked suction tight, clung to perfect body
    Provoking your silent awakening, pop a molly
    Sail. Over a full moon glowing underwater
    Below a sky befallen, darkened for the hour
    Floating November misery in seas of lemon light
    Swallowing the sun because it stolen the night
    Be you. Changed to never trust yourself
    Because a mile in you will never trust yourself
    Don't judge her, until you lived her book
    The cover is girl, and the material is rook
    Be you girl interrupted. All pumped full of lead
    Swimming with sharks in her head


    [​IMG]
    test
  5. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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    Real nice coup.. Truly beautiful :)
    test
  6. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    edit: sorry.
    i just got out of an asylum.
    test
  7. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    yeah sure you are pat...lame
    test
  8. Storyteller

    Storyteller .:Your Fav. Mc's Idol:.

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    Sorry lost Internet let me drop... Please
    Biotch! You wish you had a phone like mine...
    test
  9. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    drop away storytell. Aint no big thang. You'll probably destroy me but hey, it is what it is.

    your phone signature is familiar, who are you ?
    test
  10. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    the empty vase

    first steps were made.. on a dining room floor
    making it up as they went over the time explored
    each tear clings to dirt and falls from a cloud
    its weight to much of a burden for pride to allow

    sitcom sample laughter all that's left when it's gone
    the owner tells the cops he's been there since dawn
    "Mr. Obrian's not complyin' with directions again..
    Just stay inside sir, protections been sent"

    cops came and went, bring the irishman in
    time after time taken with eyes vacant and grim
    they shone with tears never allowed to be shed
    all his time in heaven spent on earth instead

    chased ghost's in a potato sack and threw snacks at scoobie
    to kill the time while the past collapsed on itself so cruelly
    an oasis isn't a mirage if you've taken a picture there
    "our future's" a facade as soon as a kitchens bare
    test
  11. Storyteller

    Storyteller .:Your Fav. Mc's Idol:.

    Joined:
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    Rotten, Smutted and proved to be the worst of three,
    The sisters kept discreet while boys crept in to sleep.
    Not a whisper did i peep nor did I sputter in disregard,
    The utter urgency to keep apart the wanting in others hearts.
    Clouding me shards that grey the bluest of moons,
    Despair, puking onto the pillows as a purists perfume.
    Baffling tunes of men hiding into our darkest of caves,
    Shrapnels carving away at gaping holes as targets *of slaves.
    Balled and chain not free to flock with the wind,
    Animosity sin- a tier above what a melancholy binge.
    Taste of the brim splurges into a spiral descent,
    Parched, drenched- not wanting breath just gasping for death.
    Clothing the stench; chasing shadows into circles,
    Till my sight serves you a face, Paling faster to purple.
    Bottled champagne without a corkscrew, impartial with perfection,
    As my life isn't a reflection its more of a sentence answering my own question.


    Who am I?



    @shadow
    @cigma
    @kuja
    @Cereal_Killer
    @patrown
    @coup de'état


    Open for votes
    Biotch! You wish you had a phone like mine...
    test
  12. IAmBenT

    IAmBenT Eat a dick, faggot

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    Am I allowed to vote?
    test
  13. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    Please do. I'm pretty sure any past participant is able to vote.. if not anyone.
    test
  14. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2011
    Messages:
    736
    aite lets do this.

    Coup: I'm a little iffy with this one... I loved parts of it... kinda reminded me of my bar scene verse when you described her... and other parts felt like they coulda used some more polish.

    that was dope, particularly liking your usage of "nude lips"

    this was kinda eh to me... "pop a molly"?... eh.

    liking this part, minus "stolen".. not sure if that's a typo.. if it wasn't, I'm a bit iffy on your word choice there, but the line was nice

    this last part felt kinda rushed.. like you just wanted to finish it already and so you grinded it out real quick... I can see the ideas there, which are solid, but the execution felt a bit lacking..

    Overall, it wasn't bad, but I've definitely seen much better from you.. I think it just unraveled for me in the end.. if that portion felt more tightened up it would have been much for solid


    patrown: you've come a long way since you first joined..

    Last two lines were great. first two weren't spectacular, but they weren't terrible

    Maybe it's been a while since I read your stuff, but I think the way you word lines has improved a great deal.. Now, using commas a little more might help your cause even more. But that's just me... and my criticism for myself is that I tend to use commas too much

    dope.
    so was this one
    i enjoyed this one. you did the 16 line thing, which i think you've been doing for the past few pieces.. one piece of advice GL gave me a while back (i ignored it for a few weeks though lol).. you broke the piece up by four lines, but the breaks didn't seem meaningful.. it feels like you just did it for the sake of doing it.. if the line break won't add any meaning/purpose to your piece, i'd say to just not do it..

    Storyteller: sup noob =p first thing i noticed right off the bat is the rhymes. you know how to do it and do it well.

    Rhymes and your command of vocabulary were used very well here...

    This section didn't sound as smooth as your previous 2 bars.. i liked the idea behind the lines though

    hiding in* our darkest of caves..
    it's either "ball and chain" or "balled and chained"... i tend to be a grammar nazi haha
    the last line also sounds a little convoluted... the lines alright when i initially skimmed, but on my second read, this section was a little problematic.

    I like that "parched drenched" line, as well as the ending line (that was dope), but the rest of it... they were nice, but I didn't get the impression that they did much for your piece other than add more lines..

    to sum up this long ass vote that took me several weeks to do cause i was busy...

    Coup: Solid drop, but a little short of my high standards for you.
    Patrown: Surprising improvement in the word selection and wording department. A mix of great lines and so-so lines, but overall solid.
    Storyteller: Great first drop. Some grammar issues and lines that didn't move the story further along though.

    This one is alot closer than I thought... I didn't think Storyteller would write at the level he did, and I just expected Coup to mop this one up. Patrown really brought it too...

    Vote- Patrown. As an overall piece, his worked together nicely.. More rhymes and such would have been nice, but sometimes less is more, and I feel that was the case in this one.
    test
  15. Storyteller

    Storyteller .:Your Fav. Mc's Idol:.

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    Lol bump bump for votes
    Biotch! You wish you had a phone like mine...
    test
  16. Storyteller

    Storyteller .:Your Fav. Mc's Idol:.

    Joined:
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    Sorry but still no votes???
    Biotch! You wish you had a phone like mine...
    test
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