[Grudge]Athect1c vs Coup d'état

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Shadow, Oct 26, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689

    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent. Failure to acknowledge an extension request results in it being granted.
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory. A failure to post voting links will result in a loss.
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
    •Upon your second no show, you will be suspended for two weeks of competition. A third no show will result in a three week suspension and a fourth will result in a suspension for the remainder of the season. There is no suspension for first time no showers.
    • Competitors are limited to posting 3 times in their own match, which allows for checking in, posting votes, and posting a verse. For each post over 3 unless deemed necessary by the mods, the competitor will be docked one vote.
    • Each competitor may only post once in another competitors battle allowing for a vote and nothing more, if you would like an explanation or to explain as to why a vote was cast a certain way, you can pm them or point things out properly in the vote to begin with. Violating this will result in losing a vote in your match.
    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Monday @ 8:59 PM PST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
    •Champ and Contender links MUST be labeled accordingly
    •Your votes MUST be AT LEAST 2 FULL lines in length per verse in order to be deemed valid (Discretion given on incomplete verses)
    •Failure to vote and/or post LABELED LINKS will result in vote deductions in your battle
    •If your opponent fails to show, you still must vote on 3 matches as well as posting those links in your match!!! You WILL lose if you dont.
    •Voting is open until matches are closed. Deadlines are flexible!!!
    •Voting is open to PARTICIPANTS, RSTL MODERATORS, and PAST CHAMPIONS ONLY!!!
    •PAST CHAMPIONS MUST vote on a MINIMUM of 3 matches in order to be counted as a legitimate voter
    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    check, open topic this go around ...agreed ?
    test
  3. Aesthet1c

    Aesthet1c The Morning Star

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2012
    Messages:
    431
    Down for whatever, it's Halloween! Merry scary day guys!
    test
  4. Aesthet1c

    Aesthet1c The Morning Star

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2012
    Messages:
    431

    [​IMG]

    The night is dim, and the ground covered with wrappers.
    Halloween behind me yet I still feel like an actor.
    I was moved when I discovered last nights greatest factor.
    Something no kid or adult should ever endeavor.
    I lay here shattered, my mind split like antimatter.
    Shaken sober to life's vindication, I slowly get up im staggered.
    Double vision I can barely see my surroundings.
    I make out mountains and nature without foundings.

    Birds I hear, while essence is slowly inhaled.

    I exhale,
    lay near a tree,
    And retrace my thought.

    They said she was the devil and I shouldn't approach her.
    Sitting quiet, reminiscing in complete closer.
    I ask about her night, she snaps into a composer.
    Something I have never seen or witnessed in this miserable life.
    She said the solemn never voe and the knights never take rooks.
    After that I was hooked
    A binding in a book...
    Warnings were given, but I overlooked.
    A saint, no a devil, Jesus I AM shook.
    I took short looks watching to see the power.
    But not until midnight the day changes its hour.
    Horns in her hair with chains around her wrists.
    Though her wits font the emotional premises.
    A complex costume, thats what sparked me at first.
    But when I saw her drink, It enticed my thirst.
    My Nerves burn concern for shes an enemy that learns.
    In turn I urn for this pot she has churned.
    Now infer like how it started, completely absurd.

    1 more party, I never liked defeat.
    1 hour to trick or treat.
    1 hour before me and the devil meet...

    She said her name was Fallen and she couldn't handle the party.
    She would rather explore minds on a location serene.
    I Glance at my buddy he knows were changing scenes.
    On a level of keen, because something isnt right.
    Shes been acting different since I mentioned wrong from right.
    Simple condescending advice for the devil to think twice.
    But I didn't realize my words at that time, a saint.
    So we arrive, a dirt road, darkness fills the void.
    I start to realize the road we took.
    A devil with 3 deals, i overlooked.
    Scenery devastating but this essence exemplary.
    Her face peels and clothes tear off.
    Black essence disperses and takes shapes of cloth.
    Doth life is prevalent yet you show no evidence.
    For death is upon you now, for I am the element..
    I stare into the scythe, my death is definite.
    I ask a question, a deal for this impediment.
    The Idea that took my lover, for certain.
    When your mind was lit, Was life a choice.
    Was there a voice, or did u guide intuition.
    Stricken, the devil is unwritten.
    Back in the book..
    Bindings retraced what was shattered.
    My love comes back to reality.

    As I sit under the tree. A light descends, its heavenly.


    When we die, we sacrifice a rook.
    For devils voe for knights and the solemn overlook.
    A crook'd page for the primordial book.

    Notes:

    :picture:
    I figured I would need a strong picture to show pure emotion with contrasting imagery to show the darks and brights of this piece. As the picture shows, birds fly where a scarecrow is prevolant. The lights shines while the day ends. And its halloween kinda :)
    :depth:
    I was really going for hidden meanings and abstract ones too, so you may find some meanings that I didnt know about haha

    I hope you all enjoy this, I cant wait to write again.
    test
  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    Hot November

    I saw the sky churning as oceans of ashes
    Turning down rays of fire, fallout & flashes
    Burning up the night, kissing noble November
    Mixing the air with embers, opals, & splendors
    Exhaled from the heaven as pyroclastic flow
    To earth, blasting arrows with strong tip bows
    The Most High showed, sizzling the Creation
    And the people choked, shriveling like raisins
    To all the wicked who took Satan's evil image:
    You best believe this vision means only business
    I saw this storm swallow the world's population
    Airtight, noway avoiding assured demonstration

    I got down on my knees, hands spread apart
    Beseeching God, believing he sees only hearts
    And if I am worthy, spare me not any concern
    I have children, they wouldn't be ready to burn
    I closed my eyes, perceiving a centurion sky
    Wrapping my mind against seven billion cries

    I saw,

    Ten thousand angels playing Chutes & Ladders
    With tools of harvest to tear truth from answers
    I saw all World powers raise up skeleton armies
    Behaving odd against a coming elephant tsunami
    Humanity running against the Host of Heaven
    Soaking up blood in the body fields of tension
    I saw Napoleon in front riding with a battle flag
    And Alexander in red planing amplitude in rags
    Following them were one hundred million soldiers
    Waging to circle a tree called Life, to mow it over

    The branches were thick trunks of Lebanon cedar
    At the base, a colossal end with a genuine reaper
    The sky furnace above waxed hot, torching like hell
    The tree went up in flames and the armies swelled
    The air was a thick cloud of chromatic volcano
    I blinked my eyes finally and behold the inferno!

    I saw,

    One hundred million necks hang from the Great Tree
    Dangling in the dense wind, swaying like quaint leaves
    A million silhouettes peppered the skyline like salt licks
    Collecting ash and scorch, limed with motor and brick
    All at once I heard the collective all cry out, gasping
    A last full measure asking mercy for trespassing

    A few moments later,

    I looked at both my hands, lifting my head high
    Giving praise to God that he let me be left alive
    I spit dirt and ash out, smacking my lips in thirst
    I vow to repent and to live within the scriptures
    I buttoned up my coat, tonight a hot wind grows
    Protecting me against the infinite day of hot coals....

    [​IMG]
    test
  6. Aesthet1c

    Aesthet1c The Morning Star

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2012
    Messages:
    431
    Very scenic! I dig your drop man, first work of yours I have seen.
    test
  7. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    thanks aesthet1c....i really enjoyed reading your verse man, spunky
    test
  8. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2011
    Messages:
    736
    aesthetic:
    This is night and day from what you posted for the last tournament. A very timely choice of subject matter. There were some grammatical errors here and there that the grammar nazi in me picked up and spelling mistakes that made me stop to figure out what you meant to say (for example.. did you mean to say voe? or did you mean to say vow?)
    You had some great moments, but also moments made it look like you were just trying to string rhymes along.
    ie.
    The first two lines were great. I appreciated you using "urn" in place of "yearn," whether that was intentional or not. However, that line that follows... is not nearly as great.
    There were times when you veered from the AABB rhyming pattern, mostly by having a line stand on it's own. When you do this, it needs to be done in a smart way so that it doesn't create a jarring sensation for the reader.
    In this excerpt, you actually accomplish this well. The "night" in your first line adequately connects with your ending word of "Life" so that it still read smoothly.
    However, over here...
    This was not done as well and made me take a step back.
    Connecting the ending lines of your piece to something the girl said earlier was cool, but the execution needed work... You have a pretty good and varied vocabulary, so I would work on using that to your advantage..
    I know you know other words for "road," for example..
    The way you worded some lines also felt a bit awkward for me to read..
    Overall, I think you have a good understanding of different writing mechanics and just need to tighten some things up to really be a player here. Good job, especially for an unranked match.

    Coup:
    As far as imagery, I think this may be the most vivid I've ever seen one of your pieces to be. A solid piece throughout, with some nice lines that stood out.. It read like you were in tournament form.. But I'm still going to nitpick and rip it apart if I can. Your rhyming and use of alliteration here was as strong as I can remember from you. Actually, I think this may be my favorite thing I've seen from you ever... Might be cause I'm an imagery type of guy... Can't find anything that I can really point out as a flaw.. Great work here.

    vote- A much stronger showing than I expected from both of you... But Coup took this for me.
    test
  9. Aesthet1c

    Aesthet1c The Morning Star

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2012
    Messages:
    431
    My Nerves burn concern for shes an enemy that learns.
    In turn I urn for this pot she has churned.
    Now infer like how it started, completely absurd.

    Im uncomfortable, she knows more about me then myself.
    I urn(yearn) - like a pot, she churns.
    This bar was a reference to past pretense, like I said. Hidden meanings throughout the song.
    -They said she was the devil and I shouldn't approach her.

    Thats absurdity, I should follow my own path.

    Thanks for the phenomenal vote, I will be sure to take everything in!
    test
  10. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
    Messages:
    404
    Edit vote here.
    test
  11. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2002
    Messages:
    4,154
    Aesthetic:

    Hey dude nice concept playing off the light/dark of the topic, it came across very well delivered. Story unfolded nicely with suitable vocabulary n rhythm.. Dope piece..

    Coup:

    Poetic n beautiful.. Ur describing armegedon n it sounds So beautiful lol due to ur colorful word choice and placement.. Flow was hot and in a whole this verse was very well done..

    Vote: coup

    As an artist I think he painted a better picture. Gl guys n1
    test
  12. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,177
    this one's going both ways for me. i enjoyed aesthetic's verse as much as coups.. they were both great reads in their own ways.

    coup- this was one of my favorite of yours so far. read very smooth and delivered some strong messages. the way it read to me complemented the tone, a stanza like..

    Ten thousand angels playing Chutes & Ladders
    With tools of harvest to tear truth from answers
    I saw all World powers raise up skeleton armies
    Behaving odd against a coming elephant tsunami
    Humanity running against the Host of Heaven
    Soaking up blood in the body fields of tension
    I saw Napoleon in front riding with a battle flag
    And Alexander in red planing amplitude in rags
    Following them were one hundred million soldiers
    Waging to circle a tree called Life, to mow it over

    effected with relative depth... Napolean and Alexander as guests, to demonstrate how tense the field covered by a tsunami of human blood was.. picturesque to say the least.

    and the imagery here is very real and well, you can taste, hear, and see it in these three.

    A million silhouettes peppered the skyline like salt licks
    Collecting ash and scorch, limed with motor and brick
    All at once I heard the collective all cry out, gasping

    i'm pretty sure this was some kind of apocalyptic vision. kicked ass pretty much. although i was a bit lost at times after a few reads.. there are quite a few messages in here. the overall acknowledgement of a darkness in the world and a need to protect oneself from it were a couple strong ones.
    although the story line wasn't as lined up as aesthetics i think it was buttoned up better and the story wound down to an end after following its course, message taken. nice one.

    aesthetic - the story read well. very well. there were a few bumps along the way. voe.. for instance. "in turn i urn" i just kind of laughed with. im guessing it was a play on words.. but it had more of a negative effect than a positive.
    in my opinion.

    .. not done yet
    test
  13. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,177
    coup- this was one of my favorite of yours so far. read very smooth and delivered some strong messages. the way it read to me complemented the tone

    Ten thousand angels playing Chutes & Ladders
    With tools of harvest to tear truth from answers
    I saw all World powers raise up skeleton armies
    Behaving odd against a coming elephant tsunami
    Humanity running against the Host of Heaven
    Soaking up blood in the body fields of tension
    I saw Napoleon in front riding with a battle flag
    And Alexander in red planing amplitude in rags
    Following them were one hundred million soldiers
    Waging to circle a tree called Life, to mow it over

    effected with relative depth... Napolean and Alexander as guests, to demonstrate how tense the field covered by a tsunami of human blood was.. picturesque to say the least.

    and the imagery here is very real and well, you can taste, hear, and see it in these three.

    A million silhouettes peppered the skyline like salt licks
    Collecting ash and scorch, limed with motor and brick
    All at once I heard the collective all cry out, gasping

    i'm pretty sure this was some kind of apocalyptic vision. kicked ass pretty much. although i was a bit lost at times after a few reads.. there are quite a few messages in here. the overall acknowledgement of a darkness in the world and a need to protect oneself from it were a couple strong ones.
    although the story line wasn't as lined up as aesthetics i think it was buttoned up better and the story wound down to an end after following its course, message taken. nice one.

    aesthetic - the story read well. very well. there were a few bumps along the way. voe.. for instance. "in turn i urn" i just kind of laughed with. im guessing it was a play on words.. but it had more of a negative effect than a positive.
    in my opinion.
    i think you were overly ambiguous in the end. which is my only complaint.
    there wasn't a real crux, but i was interested enough to read it a few times and try and find one. a good read i did not understand isn't a bad one.

    i like these lines in particular..

    Her face peels and clothes tear off.
    Black essence disperses and takes shapes of cloth.
    Doth life is prevalent yet you show no evidence.
    For death is upon you now, for I am the element..

    they flowed well, rhymed excellent.. and were effectively eerie.
    to me, this is the revelation of the stories enemy character.
    my only question is.. what is evidence required for?
    also.. removing the second for would have let me pass over the lack of a need for evidence without questioning it.

    /v coup - rhymed consistently, flowed very well.. and although both painted a similar picture.. a dark and unnatural scene/state of mind.. coup's was more tangible for me.
    test
  14. Aesthet1c

    Aesthet1c The Morning Star

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2012
    Messages:
    431
    superb vote man!

    I meant, yearn. But when I wrote it I must have thought "pot" - urn of ashes. lol It was a while ago but Im sure it was a play on words.
    Evidence was not shown too life, you weren't living it too the fullest. So death takes you back.
    test
  15. Storyteller

    Storyteller .:Your Fav. Mc's Idol:.

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2012
    Messages:
    142
    Well..... I can say this was a great battle fellas.


    The night is dim, and the ground covered with wrappers.
    Halloween behind me yet I still feel like an actor.

    This was a kind of awkward opening but I see why you went with it as it stood on a personal reference to the recent event but it was kind worded still in an awkward transition but the metaphor is nice

    I was moved when I discovered last nights greatest factor.
    Something no kid or adult should ever endeavor.

    I'm sorry but this bothered me really as it forced it's entry upon the flow honestly and the rhyme scheme was a stretch to have it flow off one another my dude

    I lay here shattered, my mind split like antimatter.
    Shaken sober to life's vindication, I slowly get up im staggered.
    Double vision I can barely see my surroundings.
    I make out mountains and nature without foundings.

    Again another great metaphorical stand out but the wording still is dysfunctional maybe it's your accent or heritage idk but it's just awkward entries with te rhyme scheme and word selection I mean foundings doesn't even exist as a word really.... Ur grammar also is lackin in separation in sentencing my friend

    Birds I hear, while essence is slowly inhaled.

    I exhale,
    lay near a tree,
    And retrace my thought.

    They said she was the devil and I shouldn't approach her.
    Sitting quiet, reminiscing in complete closer.
    I ask about her night, she snaps into a composer.
    Something I have never seen or witnessed in this miserable life.
    She said the solemn never voe and the knights never take rooks.
    After that I was hooked
    A binding in a book...
    Warnings were given, but I overlooked.
    A saint, no a devil, Jesus I AM shook.


    I took short looks watching to see the power.
    But not until midnight the day changes its hour.
    Horns in her hair with chains around her wrists.
    Though her wits font the emotional premises.
    A complex costume, thats what sparked me at first.
    But when I saw her drink, It enticed my thirst.
    My Nerves burn concern for shes an enemy that learns.
    In turn I urn for this pot she has churned.
    Now infer like how it started, completely absurd.


    This here was great and fluid with the rhymes and metaphorical imagery set in stone this stanza made it quiet enticing with emotion on lock

    1 more party, I never liked defeat.
    1 hour to trick or treat.*
    1 hour before me and the devil meet...

    She said her name was Fallen and she couldn't handle the party.
    She would rather explore minds on a location serene.
    I Glance at my buddy he knows were changing scenes.
    On a level of keen, because something isnt right.
    Shes been acting different since I mentioned wrong from right.
    Simple condescending advice for the devil to think twice.
    But I didn't realize my words at that time, a saint.
    So we arrive, a dirt road, darkness fills the void.
    I start to realize the road we took.
    A devil with 3 deals, i overlooked.
    Scenery devastating but this essence exemplary.
    Her face peels and clothes tear off.
    Black essence disperses and takes shapes of cloth.
    Doth life is prevalent yet you show no evidence.
    For death is upon you now, for I am the element..
    I stare into the scythe, my death is definite.
    I ask a question, a deal for this impediment.
    The Idea that took my lover, for certain.
    When your mind was lit, Was life a choice.
    Was there a voice, or did u guide intuition.
    Stricken, the devil is unwritten.*
    Back in the book..
    Bindings retraced what was shattered.
    My love comes back to reality.

    As I sit under the tree. A light descends, its heavenly.


    When we die, we sacrifice a rook.
    For devils voe for knights and the solemn overlook.
    A crook'd page for the primordial book.

    The closer should have been a bang and the little inner rhymes and short work should have been minimized j think it made it read off a tad more complex than it is really but highly impressive Ur style choice which I loved and the raw emotion.... Your word choice is in question but hey it's you not me but overall I thought this as a great concept and imagery but it lacked aggression and fluidity through the bars some were a tad repetitive but nice work man*

    Vs.

    I saw the sky churning as oceans of ashes
    Turning down rays of fire, fallout & flashes
    Burning up the night, kissing noble November
    Mixing the air with embers, opals, & splendors

    First and foremast dam?!!!!!!!! That shit was fire and consistent.... This a side I haven't seen yet from you fam.

    Exhaled from the heaven as pyroclastic flow
    To earth, blasting arrows with strong tip bows
    The Most High showed, sizzling the Creation
    And the people choked, shriveling like raisins*

    IDK this really had forced written the all over really. It was just bad word choices and metaphors

    To all the wicked who took Satan's evil image:
    You best believe this vision means only business*
    I saw this storm swallow the world's population
    Airtight, noway avoiding assured demonstration*

    Wording was the issue and could have been fire with the concept but it was lackluster on the impact of emotion

    I got down on my knees, hands spread apart
    Beseeching God, believing he sees only hearts
    And if I am worthy, spare me not any concern
    I have children, they wouldn't be ready to burn
    I closed my eyes, perceiving a centurion sky
    Wrapping my mind against seven billion cries

    I saw,

    Ten thousand angels playing Chutes & Ladders*
    With tools of harvest to tear truth from answers*
    I saw all World powers raise up skeleton armies
    Behaving odd against a coming elephant tsunami*
    Humanity running against the Host of Heaven
    Soaking up blood in the body fields of tension
    I saw Napoleon in front riding with a battle flag
    And Alexander in red planing amplitude in rags
    Following them were one hundred million soldiers
    Waging to circle a tree called Life, to mow it over

    This whole thing was fucking wow.... Really enjoyed. The subtle approach to minor life stabilities on lock through ones emotional change for the sake of exploiting other characteristics in this section..._/b]

    The branches were thick trunks of Lebanon cedar
    At the base, a colossal end with a genuine reaper*
    The sky furnace above waxed hot, torching like hell
    The tree went up in flames and the armies swelled*
    The air was a thick cloud of chromatic volcano
    I blinked my eyes finally and behold the inferno!

    I saw,

    One hundred million necks hang from the Great Tree
    Dangling in the dense wind, swaying like quaint leaves
    A million silhouettes peppered the skyline like salt licks
    Collecting ash and scorch, limed with motor and brick
    All at once I heard the collective all cry out, gasping
    A last full measure asking mercy for trespassing

    A few moments later,

    I looked at both my hands, lifting my head high
    Giving praise to God that he let me be left alive
    I spit dirt and ash out, smacking my lips in thirst
    I vow to repent and to live within the scriptures
    I buttoned up my coat, tonight a hot wind grows*
    Protecting me against the infinite day of hot coals....


    The massive thought in this was put on great display. You tackled te topic with great ideas some really bad transition and word selection but you did a great job


    But my vote goes to: Coup
    test
  16. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    Coup, you have upped your rhyming game stupendously! Poetic ability is still there as always...when can I sign up for this shit again ppl?
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)