From Adam to Atom

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Xero Satsujin, Mar 18, 2004.

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  1. Xero Satsujin

    Xero Satsujin OnLy gOd kNoWs oR Goes

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    Life is very much a part of death. I take them both in with every breath. For I know this all to well. Breathe in Heaven, breathe out hell. Sit back and watch as I become knowledge manifest. Growing more and more anxious as my soul is put to the test.

    From a Boy, to a King, to a Man, to a God, and back. Now I am one in myself and I burn like the lightning`s crack. Able to take control of my will. More viscous than a Dragon God who is forced to kill. And afraid of what it is that I will become. I am searching for someone to remind me of where it is that I am from.

    I have walked the Plains of Time all alone. An heir to a long forgotten throne. Who is there that would believe what I have seen? So I search for myself a wife, a center in my life, a Queen. Someone to pull me away from all of the insanity and life`s crisis. Someone that can guide me home, the Goddess Isis.

    I have stood before God and all of his Glory. Yet I am able to sit here and tell you this story. I have tasted wine with the Dark Prince himself. Still I managed to resist his temptation of unmearsurable wealth. I have done battle with Heaven and Hells angels. But they fall short of victory no matter the angles.

    I have known Greatness beyond all comprehension. I have seen what all of the preachers in the world often neglect to mention. I can turn tears of sorrow into tears of fire. And flow through your veins like a melted sapphire. Make you feel like you are finally whole. Then you realize it is I who has Total Control.

    Don`t be afraid though and never fear. If I consider you my friend then I will always hold you right here. Close to my soul and right next to my heart you will stay. That is unless you want to walk away. Leaving me like I was before. Cold, alone, tired, weak, and sore.

    All that I want is to finally know peace. But I can`t give up life though for the sake of my own release. For I am apart of your soul. And if I go, my absence will take its toll. The darkness will creep upon all like the dusk. Taking the light away, turning the earth into dust.
    test
  2. 49th Prophet

    49th Prophet Dark Magic Inferno

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    From Adam to Atom <-- Dope Title

    It was like I could almost feel this piece as I read it.

    "I have tasted wine with the Dark Prince himself"

    "Someone that can guide me home, the Goddess Isis"

    "I can turn tears of sorrow into tears of fire. And flow through your veins like a melted sapphire."

    really liked those lines.
    And insead of saying the same shit I always say, I'll chill with the commentary cuz you know how I feel 'bout your work.

    Much Love

    Peace
    test
  3. allnakey

    allnakey Sex is no fun by yourself

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    "Breathe in Heaven, breathe out hell."

    Wow such a powerful line, i really enjoyed that


    "I am searching for someone to remind me of where it is that I am from."

    I think we all are still searching for that one.

    "I have stood before God and all of his Glory. Yet I am able to sit here and tell you this story. I have tasted wine with the Dark Prince himself. Still I managed to resist his temptation of unmearsurable wealth. I have done battle with Heaven and Hells angels. But they fall short of victory no matter the angles."

    Just had to quote the whole stanza there everything came correct and was beautifully put.


    This whole piece was nice, it seems you write a lot of being a king among yourself and waiting for a quenn to step beside you, and complete you as one, powerful and gracious. There is just so much in there, this piece was realy nicely put together like always a pleasure to read.


    Stay up, Much Love, Peace
    test
  4. Xero Satsujin

    Xero Satsujin OnLy gOd kNoWs oR Goes

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    Alright, gonna try to get this one all together...Prophet, lol, that made me laugh what you said about commentary. Nakey, I've found what I've been searching for, but this is sorta an older piece. I had actually intended on changing that part, but I have yet to get to it. but thanx for the compliments on my work...much love...1
    test
  5. Jean Lynnin

    Jean Lynnin New Member

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    wow you ahd some mind blowing lines in there, crazy, i enjoyed it however the meter was off at a few points. you had great imagery and some profound lines that were truly brilliantly worded, i really enjoyed this
    test
  6. iLL Script.

    iLL Script. ~Poetic~

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    Life is very much a part of death. I take them both in with every breath. For I know this all to well. Breathe in Heaven, breathe out hell. Sit back and watch as I become knowledge manifest. Growing more and more anxious as my soul is put to the test.

    very nice opener. really liked tha Breathe in Heaven, breathe out hell line. nice

    From a Boy, to a King, to a Man, to a God, and back. Now I am one in myself and I burn like the lightning`s crack. Able to take control of my will. More viscous than a Dragon God who is forced to kill. And afraid of what it is that I will become. I am searching for someone to remind me of where it is that I am from.

    again a nice stanza And afraid of what it is that I will become. I am searching for someone to remind me of where it is that I am from. favorite part

    So I search for myself a wife, a center in my life, a Queen. Someone to pull me away from all of the insanity and life`s crisis. Someone that can guide me home, the Goddess Isis.

    i'm searchin' myself for tha same thing right now, very nicely written

    I have tasted wine with the Dark Prince himself. Still I managed to resist his temptation of unmearsurable wealth. I have done battle with Heaven and Hells angels. But they fall short of victory no matter the angles.

    another excellent part that grabbed my attention

    I have known Greatness beyond all comprehension. I have seen what all of the preachers in the world often neglect to mention. I can turn tears of sorrow into tears of fire. And flow through your veins like a melted sapphire. Make you feel like you are finally whole. Then you realize it is I who has Total Control.

    nice stanza

    If I consider you my friend then I will always hold you right here. Close to my soul and right next to my heart you will stay. That is unless you want to walk away. Leaving me like I was before. Cold, alone, tired, weak, and sore.

    this really stood out 2 me. this is tha same way i am with my friends

    All that I want is to finally know peace. But I can`t give up life though for the sake of my own release. For I am apart of your soul. And if I go, my absence will take its toll. The darkness will creep upon all like the dusk. Taking the light away, turning the earth into dust.

    excellent endin' very very nice piece here, really enjoyed readin' it. longest reply i have ever left lol
    stay up
    test
  7. Xero Satsujin

    Xero Satsujin OnLy gOd kNoWs oR Goes

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    ^^^lol at longest reply, lol...but thanks tony, I'm glad you liked it...
    test
  8. Psycho69

    Psycho69 A Soul Born In Verse

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    I really enjoyed it, the way it had been pieced together.

    It flowed nicely all the way through and had alot of quotables.. ir's not always easy to write something that long and get dull at some parts. But, it grabbed my attention from beginning to end.

    Great piece.
    test
  9. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    We need to start having Quotables of the Month up in the realm. That's all i have to say. Good damn boy.

    one luv
    test
  10. misspimp

    misspimp a.k.a KATURAH

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    I can turn tears of sorrow into tears of fire. And flow through your veins like a melted sapphire. Make you feel like you are finally whole. Then you realize it is I who has Total Control.


    Never cease to amaze me. This was such a beautiful piece...with great depth and meaning...i really loved this alot....the whole piece was really very touching but for some reason those lines stuck out to me...this was awsome!!

    mad love
    test
  11. x_M@miChul@_x

    x_M@miChul@_x Just Do It

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    Life is very much a part of death. I take them both in with every breath. For I know this all to well. Breathe in Heaven, breathe out hell. Sit back and watch as I become knowledge manifest. Growing more and more anxious as my soul is put to the test.
    i really liked this, actually i love the whole thing :),,good job keep it up :)
    test
  12. Xero Satsujin

    Xero Satsujin OnLy gOd kNoWs oR Goes

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    Aight, I'm just gonna say thanx...cause I really appreciate the luv on this piece...
    test
  13. StubbilyMug

    StubbilyMug DayorDollar Records

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    a bit broad of subject matter and not interesting to me
    ur flow is something im a fan of man
    i've seen better concepts from you tho

    thanks man
    test
  14. Xero Satsujin

    Xero Satsujin OnLy gOd kNoWs oR Goes

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    Aight Stubs, for a 9th Grader (that's when I wrote this piece) I'd have to say that this is pretty damn imaginative. And to answer your question, yes I came up with all of that myself. I don't see the point in copying or mocking anyone elses work when I can do the same as the can. All of my work is copyright protected and original from me, but yeah, I've come more correct than this, so go check those out. but thanx for your input on this piece. by the way, I meant to, not TOO.
    test
  15. StubbilyMug

    StubbilyMug DayorDollar Records

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    test
  16. Anaphora

    Anaphora was here

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    First off, I'm not a big fan of the rhyme scheme... I gotta say that right now... it's kina eye pokey superficially hidden end rhymes. The thing is, there's so many good points, and lines, and partial lines, that the rhyme takes away from them, because you get a nursery rhyme type rhythm building up... things like:
    "Breathe in Heaven, breathe out hell", and
    "And flow through your veins like a melted sapphire."

    I am searching for someone to remind me of where it is that I am from. -this is a lot wordier than it nees to be... you could simply have "I am searching for someone to remind me where I'm from." In poetry words are precious... in prose too, but waaaaaay more so in poetry.

    unmearsurable wealth -that woul be immeasurable, not unmeasurable.

    Stubby's right though, it is too... to doesn't make much sense...

    If you take light away, the earth wouldn't just be dust... lightning isn't so much a burning, as an electrifying... stuff like that, stuff that sounds good, but is an inaccurate simile will instantaneously turn a real reader off...

    I say, drop the rhyme scheme, maybe enjamb some of them if you wanna keep it, so the rhythm isn't all lame. Cut this by about half, because half of it or so is very familiar territory to anyone who's read much poetry, especially workshop type poetry. Keep the gems like the sapphire line, (yea, I guess that pun was intended, because I caught it just before I typed it, and still wrote it anyways.) and the breathe in heaven line... scrap the soul crap... there's 100 million people who write poetry, and 99 million of them talk about souls, and hearts, and tears, and sadness...
    test
  17. Xero Satsujin

    Xero Satsujin OnLy gOd kNoWs oR Goes

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    it would seem to me that we have the supposed professional on our hands. the one who can tell us how we feel and tell us how we are supposed to write and whether our feelings are rational and sensible. It would seem that he is a judge to the masses as well.

    To me though, you seem to be the type of person who over looks the grounds of intent and purpose and goes for sense and reason, but to each his own. I honestly appreciate the critique. But, as electrifying as lightning is, it's still 3times hotter than the surface of the sun, so either way you're getting burned.
    test
  18. Xero Satsujin

    Xero Satsujin OnLy gOd kNoWs oR Goes

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    I try not to make it a habit of repeating myself.
    test
  19. Zeta

    Zeta New Member

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    It's nice for sure thanks for posting it
    Peace
    test
  20. Anaphora

    Anaphora was here

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    See, its not about telling you how to feel, its about the craft of poetry, the chosen vehicle to convey those feelings. If you took this to a serious writer's workshop, something pretty much all successful poets/writers at least started out doing, and most continually do with their peers, you would get similar responses. I'm not trying to be a badass internet poet, and they do exist, who say everything's bad. I'm trying to help out by suggesting things that may not've occured to you because you're in the cognitive loop, and know exactly what you're trying to say...

    As for looking at sense and reason... you should be able to understand, and follow a poem (which I did in yours, so I'm not sure why you bought it up) but for instance, just because you're writing a poem about confusion, doesn't mean you should confuse the writer.

    But can I ask an explanation of the to/too controversy?? I don't get how to (not too) makes sense in that context, and would like to know (honestly, I'm not trying to make a smart ass or sarcastic remark)...
    test
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